Saving Shinigami
by ShinigamiPhoenix
Summary: Duo's having a hard time coping with his alter-ego, Shinigami, and needs Heero's help, and his love. COMPLETE!
1. Default Chapter

Notes: Okay, I went back and put this entire story into proper chapters, and here's the first one. And because I am getting a little more used to the idea that these things are going on the net, here's the disclaimer: I don't own them. I wish I did, but I don't. I don't have any money, so don't sue me, cause all you'll get is my cat and he's white and fluffy and really annoying. Enjoy and review!  
  
The house was quiet and dark, the others all asleep upstairs. I'd been talking to Duo for most of the evening. I know, me, Heero Yuy, talking, but... but Duo had somehow wrangled me into a conversation. I learned a lot about him, and I guess he learned a lot about me, too.  
  
"Do you miss it?" Duo asked, frowning, a sorrowful, wistful tone to his voice.   
  
"Miss what?"  
  
"Miss that part of you that you gave up in order to be a killer, to be a Gundam pilot. I do. Not often, but sometimes; sometimes, I wonder how different I'd be if I hadn't killed that part of me that stopped me from being Shinigami."  
  
I hesitated. "I don't think I ever had that part of me. I was trained to be a killer since I was born. I don't know how to be anything else."  
  
"I didn't have that part of me for long. I lost it when I was about eight. But... sometimes I wonder. We gave up so much to be what we are and do what we do. Sacrifice for the cause and all that shit. Sometimes I sorta wonder how different we'd be. I don't think Wufei would be much different, and Trowa probably wouldn't. But Quatre, I think he'd be different, more... cheerful. I mean, I know he's cheerful enough, but sometimes, he gets all quiet and sad. You can tell that he's hurting about the things he has to do, the person he has to be."  
  
He fell silent and I prodded, "Would you be different?"  
  
".... I think so. I mean, I became Shinigami way before I became a Gundam pilot, but... I think, I would be different. Less... haunted."  
  
"And me?"  
  
"You.... I dunno. I mean, like you said, you don't know how to be anything else, but....well, I think you'd be different."  
  
"How?"  
  
"I dunno. Maybe... more relaxed. I mean, you never stop thinking about the war, about the big mission, and I think... if you didn't have that worry, that responsibility, maybe you wouldn't be so... serious. I can't imagine you ever being like me or Quatre, but I think maybe you wouldn't be so... closed off. Maybe you'd let someone get close to you."  
  
I thought about that for a minute. Would I be different without the war? Duo was right, I was constantly thinking about the cause. Would I really be different? I didn't think so, but... maybe. Then I thought about that last sentence. I couldn't see anyone getting close to me. Only two people had ever really tried: Relena, and Duo. I'd rather wear a frilly pink dress than ever get close to her. But Duo.... Some small, forgotten part of me, a part I hadn't even thought existed, wanted to let Duo inside my defences. A tiny voice at the back of my head was saying, Maybe it wouldn't be so bad. Maybe it'd be nice. Maybe.  
  
"You don't let anyone get close to you, either," I said aloud. "You pretend, but you keep everyone at a distance."  
  
He gave a lop-sided grin. "Yeah, I guess I do. Shinigami's just not a good person to get close to, ya know? I let some people get close to me once, and they died, so... I stopped getting close. But, it's not as if I have a whole lot of people to get close to, ya know?"   
  
"We're very isolated."  
  
"Yeah, even among the resistance. Whenever we walk into a resistance base, everyone just sort of... looks. Have you noticed that?"  
  
I had. We didn't visit the resistance bases often, but when we did, we stuck together. We're all loners, except Quatre, but we always stick together. The Gundam pilots, the ones who are always different, always on the outside.   
  
Duo fell silent again, staring out the window at the dark. I watched him, memorizing his features without really knowing why. Alright, so maybe in some dark place in my heart, I did know why, but I just wasn't up to admitting it right then, so bugger off.  
  
"Do you ever think about what will happen after the war?" Duo asked after a long couple of moments. "If we win, I mean."  
  
I hesitated. Did I? "No."  
  
"Me either. Wonder what we'll do-if we're alive. Quatre will go back his old life, the family business. Trowa will probably go back to the circus with Catherine. Wufei, who knows, but he'll find something, probably become a professor at some college or join some form of law enforcement or something. But, what about us two? The others, this isn't really their lives, ya know? They've always had something else. But me and you, we don't got nothing else. This war is everything to us. I have no bloody idea how I'm gonna survive after it's over. What'll I do? I really can't see myself settling down in a nine-to-five job and going home to a nice house with a white picket fence, with the wife and kids and a couple of dogs. And I can't see you doing that either." He sighed heavily, leaning forward and covering his face with his hands. "Man, that's depressing."  
  
I looked at him and realized that he had let his mask drop. All the grins and smiles and jokes were gone, leaving him very... serious; depressed; haunted. I felt very... honoured that he had shown me his true face. He never showed anyone else. Which begged the question, why me?  
  
"Because I know you understand," he muttered, as if reading my thoughts. He let his hands fall down and sneaked a glance at me. "Like I said, the others, they wouldn't understand. But you do. I know that. Quatre, he'd just go all pitiful and say, Oh, Duo, don't think like that. Trowa would give me a look and wander away. Wufei probably wouldn't say anything. But you, you understand. You know exactly what I'm thinking."  
  
And I did. I understood perfectly. Duo and I were Gundam pilots to the core, soldiers, fighters. Nothing would ever change that. We lived for fighting, for danger, and we couldn't survive without it. It hit me then that I didn't intend to live through this war. If I didn't die in battle, I'd commit suicide. I could not live in... peace, normality, whatever the hell you call it. And Duo couldn't either. I don't think he intended to commit suicide, but...  
  
"I'm gonna self-destruct my Gundam, with me in it," Duo said. "And if on the off-chance that that doesn't work, like with you, I'll probably go out looking for some serious, serious danger. Shinigami ain't gonna go out quietly. He's gonna go down in a blaze o' glory."  
  
I didn't know what to say to that. Not unusual, I'm not good with words. But, looking at his... disheartened expression, I wanted to. For some reason, I wanted to comfort him. I wanted to tell him not to die. I wanted to touch him. What the fuck is going on with me?  
  
"I got a mission tomorrow," Duo said, and I blinked. While missions were strictly confidential between base and pilot, we tended to tell each other the basics. Duo hadn't been near his laptop all day, so he'd waited a while to tell us. Uh, tell me. Why hadn't he told the others sooner? "It's a sneak, grab and blow."  
  
Translated, that meant it was an infiltration-extraction mission where he demolished the place afterwards. That last was unusual. Normally, infiltration-extraction missions meant that you got the target out undetected and left the base/building/whatever alone. I frowned.  
  
"What else?" I asked, because I knew that there was something else.   
  
"The target is a scientist who wants to come to our side, bringing with him tons of information that could help. Only they've put some kind of chip in him, homing beacon kind of thing. I have to make it look like he died so that they won't trace him immediately, meaning our doctors can remove the chip. And the best way to do that is complete demolition, where they'll have to spend a weak identifying each body."  
  
"Of course."  
  
"Here's where it gets hard. He's not staying at a military base. He's staying at a civilian hotel. I'll have to completely destroy the place, civilians included."  
  
Oh. I opened my mouth and then closed it, not sure of what to say. Killing civilians by accident was hard. Killing them on purpose was harder. Killing dozens, possibly hundreds, including children, on purpose was... there wasn't a word for it. I'd only done it once, and it had nearly killed me, though I didn't show it and I'll deny it under torture.   
  
"I've got the blood of civilians on my hands, we all have, and I've got more than the others, equalling yours, but this... I researched the hotel as soon as I got the mission. It's large, one hundred and fifty civilians. It's near the beach, the park, and the arcade, so it's popular with tourists, tourists with kids. The hotel even has a little crèche. Out of morbid curiosity, I looked up how many kids there will be when I'm there. Seventy kids my age or younger. And you know what, to get maximum impact, I'll have to plant some major explosives in the crèche, among other places. The kids won't stand a chance. None of them will. Over a hundred sacrificed... for one man and some information." A fierce expression came onto his features, savage. "We're supposed to be the good guys," he growled. "We're not supposed to do shit like this. If we do this shit, what the hell makes us different from the bad guys?"   
  
I didn't have an answer to that. He stood up so abruptly, my hand was on my gun before I realized it. He stalked up the stairs, his anger, his frustration, swirling around him like a dark cloud. And inside that cloud was the other emotions-the guilt, the sadness, the horror. We all have lines we won't cross, things we won't do. I only have one: I won't rape anyone. But the others have more lines. Duo has fewer than the others, but he has some, and this, I think, was one of them. And if he crossed this line, what did that make him?   
  
I continued to sit on the couch for a few more minutes. Duo and I shared a room and I knew that he wasn't in the mood for more talking. Neither was I. So I sat, and I gave him time to change and get in bed. He'd pretend to be asleep, and I'd know he was awake because he always woke up when someone entered the room, and he'd know I knew, but he'd pretend, and I wouldn't break the charade.   
  
After five minutes, I turned off the small lamp that had been illuminating the living room and walked upstairs. I paused briefly to listen. Quatre and Trowa were in their room. A bedspring creaked as someone rolled over. They were both breathing, both alive. Wufei was breathing, and alive. I could hear all this, distant but clear, and knew that I shouldn't have been able to. No normal human could hear someone breathing in a different room. But I could.   
  
I shook my head and walked into my bedroom. Duo was in his bed, the one at the far side of the room, turned away from me, quilt drawn tight around his shoulders. He normally slept facing the door, just in case, and I agreed with it-I mean, I always took the bed closest to the door, and faced the door, just in case. I didn't comment. He was supposed to be asleep, remember.   
  
I changed silently into the dark blue cotton shorts I used for pyjamas and slipped into my own bed. I wasn't in the least bit sleepy, though I could make myself sleep if I wanted to, but I didn't make myself. I stared at the ceiling, and listened to Duo breathe. I finally went to sleep sometime around midnight. 


	2. Chapter Two

Notes: None really, just the usual plea for reviews. This chapter isn't very interesting, but if I added it to the previous or next chapter, it would make that chapter really long, so this is it. I don't know how long chapters will be, probably varying in length, depending on when I want to stop things, but I wanted to end the first chapter with Heero going to sleep and start the next chapter at the new safe house, so this chapter just got stuck in the middle. Sorry. Enjoy and review!  
  
I woke up to the sound of Duo standing up. I glanced at him and saw him stretching, muscles straining, fingertips reaching for the ceiling. He looked at me and didn't grin or smile or even speak. His mask was still down, and I knew that around me, it would be until he came back from the mission, and maybe then, he'd continue to go unmasked for me.   
  
Shaking his head, Duo moved to the single dresser and opened one of his two drawers, pulling out some black jeans and a black long-sleeved tee shirt with black boxers and black socks. He dressed silently, turned away from me, but making no move to hide himself. He had a bullet-crease scar across his shoulder blades and a clean knife wound to the right of his lower back. His skin was creamy and pale, as he normally wore long-sleeves and most of his work took place at night, or inside a building or Gundam. I knew that he was strong and muscled, and it showed more in the front, in his chest and abdomen, but just from looking at his back, you could tell he was strong. He was lean and lanky, but he had muscles. I liked that.   
  
Sitting down on his bed, he unbraided his hair and brushed it. He looked completely different with his hair down. It moved around him like it were alive, a thick, warm, chestnut, living blanket. I liked seeing him with his hair down. I was the only one that got to see him like that. I felt honoured. He braided his hair quickly, having had years of practise, and tied it off with a black hair-band.  
  
Duo reached under his bed for his bag and began checking its contents-clothes, weapons, basic medical supplies, four changes of ID, handheld radio, laptop. He had another bag filled with bomb-making equipment, another change of ID and a couple more guns, plus a complete med kit. The handheld radio was for him to call us on the emergency frequency in case of trouble.   
  
He pulled on a shoulder holster, checking the gun's clip and safety automatically, and then strapped a knife to each forearm. The knives were a set of four, the other two going on his thighs. He normally didn't add the knives unless in enemy territory, usually having just his gun and hunting knife. That he was wearing them now was not a good sign. He pulled on his black combat boots and checked the knives in the built-in sheaths. A gun and four knives, and he hadn't even left the safe house yet. Not good. Duo wore extra weapons when he was nervous, angry, or upset. I think it might have been all three this morning.   
  
He looked at me again, some dark, unreadable emotion in his violet eyes, and then left. He hadn't said a single word. Unless doing infiltration work or hiding from search parties, silence was damn near impossible for Duo Maxwell. I didn't like that he was silent. I really didn't like it.   
  
Sighing, I got up and changed into faded jeans with an off-white tee shirt, gun a stark contrast to the whiteness, but no one would comment. Forgoing shoes and just wearing socks on my feet, I padded downstairs and found that Duo was the only one up. He was sitting in the kitchen, staring into his coffee. Duo's idea of breakfast was coffee-or in a pinch, Coke-and maybe an apple. Quatre made sure he ate properly. So did I. Come to think of it, so did the others. Hm, interesting.   
  
"How long will the mission take?" I asked quietly, pouring myself some coffee and sitting down opposite him.   
  
"Few days, week at the most. I leave in a couple of hours."   
  
"The others might not be up."  
  
"I know."  
  
"Do you want me to tell them about the mission?"  
  
Duo thought about that for a moment and then shook his head. "No."  
  
"Alright."   
  
I heard movement upstairs and knew that at least one of the others was awake. If it was Wufei, it was just him, if it was either Trowa or Quatre, it would be both of them. I listened, and heard just one set of footsteps, so it was Wufei. He moved into the bathroom and I heard the water running. It was his day for the first shower, a very hot one. Then it would be me, with a hot one, then Duo with a very warm one, then Trowa with a warm one, then Quatre with a lukewarm one. The hot water in this safe house was very limited, and it took a long time to heat back up, so we took it in turns. Of course, the water running made the other two wake up. Quatre would come down in a moment and start making breakfast-probably pancakes.  
  
I looked at Duo and saw him take a deep breath, let it out slowly, and plaster a cheerful grin on his face. It looked completely genuine, just like all his smiles, and it made me... sad to see it, which was confusing as hell.  
  
Quatre walked in, wearing a pair of jeans and a loose grey tee shirt. He didn't appear to be armed. He was the only one of us that was not constantly armed. He smiled around a wide yawn and said good morning.   
  
"Morning, Quat," Duo said cheerfully. "Didya sleep well?"  
  
"Very well, actually. You?"  
  
"Like a corpse."  
  
"Duo."  
  
"Sorry. Like a log."  
  
"Better. Pancakes?"  
  
"Oooh, yummy." Duo sipped his coffee and watched Quatre move around the kitchen, getting all the ingredients for pancakes. I watched Duo. He seemed so happy, so... carefree. But it was just a mask. It was as flawless and impenetrable as my own masks. Did the others know it was a mask? Quatre, with his mild empathic abilities might, if he focused hard enough, but the others.... I don't think any of them realised just how much Duo hid from them. He ran and he hid and no one even knew he was doing it.   
  
"I'm going out to do the shopping later, if you have anything to add to the list," Quatre said, glancing at us. I'd already checked the list and couldn't think of anything else, so I didn't say anything. Duo stood up and took the list off the fridge, examining it. It was quite short, just the bare essentials, and one luxury item per pilot. My luxury item is a book by Laurell K Hammilton. She's my favourite author. Only Duo knows how much I like her, and he's read some of my books. Duo's luxury item is a new CD, nu metal, of course.   
  
"Nope, you've got everything here," he said, putting the list back on the fridge just as Trowa walked in, wearing jeans and dark blue tank top, with a gun in a hip holster. A shoulder holster would chafe against his bare skin, so why put up with it if you didn't have to? He made himself a coffee, and Quatre a tea. Quatre is the only one of us that doesn't drink coffee, or anything with caffeine in it, for that matter.  
  
"So, what's everyone doing today?" Quatre asked cheerfully, putting the pancakes in front of Duo, along with a bottle of chocolate ice cream sauce, knowing how much Duo like the stuff on his pancakes.   
  
"I'm going to be working on Wing," I muttered, still watching Duo, who just looked at his pancakes and then pushed them towards me.  
  
Quatre noticed and asked, "Aren't you hungry, Duo?"  
  
"Not as much as I thought I would be. I'll grab a snack later or something." He grinned and left. I ate the pancakes because my body was hungry and then followed him. He was opening the window, and tossing down his two bags and med kit.   
  
"Leaving?" I asked quietly, leaning against the wall. He looked at me and nodded.  
  
"Yeah. Might as well get a little jump-start on things, huh?"  
  
"One week."  
  
"Yep. From today."  
  
Meaning that next Wednesday, if he wasn't back and I hadn't heard from him, he was captured or dead, and I could go find him.   
  
"We leave this safe house in three days."  
  
"I'll get the co-ordinates from base at the end of the mission. I'll find ya."  
  
"Who's going to pilot Deathscythe?"  
  
"You, of course. I don't trust anyone else with my buddy. Just don't steal his parts again."  
  
That was something of joke between us-that I'd stolen parts from Deathscythe to fix Wing after he'd busted me out of the Alliance hospital. Like the fact that he'd shot me when we first met. He grinned at me for the first time since yesterday, and it was a mere ghost of his usual grin that left his eyes empty, drowning violet pools of nothing.   
  
Then he turned and jumped out the window. I heard him land lightly, pick up his bags, and walk away. It was a five mile walk to the town, but I knew he could walk it. He could've taken the car and left it at the drop-off point, but he didn't. He chose to walk. Hm.   
  
I walked over to the window and watched him walk away, and felt... something. I don't know what it was-sadness, longing, wistfulness, all of them, none of them; just something. I sighed and turned away from the window. 


	3. Chapter Three

Notes: Duo's back! Yay! Heero and Duo in a bed! Yum! Duo feeling shitty! Aww! *** means a flashback. Enjoy and review!  
  
The new safe house is just like the last one: small out-of-the-way cabin sort of place in a forest, with only one old black-and-white TV set, a tiny radio, and two bedrooms, which meant that Wufei would be sharing with me and Duo. Just one problem: there were only two beds in the bedroom. This had happened only once before, and luckily, it had been a busy two months and at least one of us had been away at all times. Duo didn't come back for four days, maximum, and I wondered what we'd do when he did return.  
  
I was desperately worried about him, though I didn't let it show, of course. It's constant communications blackout, so I had no idea how he was doing. I guess I could take comfort in the fact that he hadn't called on the emergency frequency-I'd know if he has, because I keep my handheld radio clipped to my waist at all times.   
  
The others were quite interested in his mission and asked me a lot of questions, probably because I'm Duo's unofficial partner and group leader, but I feigned ignorance, not hard to do, because I never let my expressionless mask drop, so they couldn't read me. I felt Quatre trying to 'read' me a couple of times, alerted by that faint prickling sensation that gives me goosebumps and makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up, and told him to stop it. As far as I know, I'm the only one who can feel him using his gifts. Yet more proof that I'm not entirely human.  
  
***  
  
"You've got such a gloomy personality, why don't you just give up and stop pretending to be human?" Duo muttered angrily.   
  
"Hey!" I shouted before I could stop myself. That had hurt. I don't know why but it had hurt, cut through my heart like a knife. I didn't want this cocky American pilot to... think about me like that. What the hell was going on with me?  
  
Duo looked up at me, his deep violet eyes sullen and distrustful. "What is it? You're too late if you think you can ask for me help."  
  
I hesitated for a split second. What could I say? Then I leaned forward casually and said, "Could you keep it down over there?" Dammit, no! I hadn't wanted to push him away!   
  
"Yeah, sure," Duo said, glaring at me fiercely, completely angry now. "Forgive me for interrupting."   
  
***  
  
I shook my head to clear my thoughts. That was the fist instant in which I knew Duo was like no one I had ever met before, the first time I'd felt something strange. I wished with every fibre of my being that I could go back and change that, not push him away, not that it would make much of a difference. He didn't stay pushed away. I like that about him-he's as stubborn as me.   
  
I wandered over to my laptop and checked my email account. It's empty, other than three old emails from Duo. They each contain a picture of him doing something stupid, and just general chatter, nothing important, nothing that could be used against us if the email was traced, not like that could happen. All our laptops have insane firewalls, and Duo and I have more than normal-the benefits of being a computer genius.   
  
I wished for a mission. It would give me something to do. Wing was in perfect condition, my weapons were cleaned and cared for to within an inch of their lives, my files were all updated, and it meant that I had absolutely nothing to do but sit around and think about Duo.   
  
Wufei walked in, wearing a pair of grey jogging trousers and nothing else. He was covered in a light sheen of sweat, and his breathing was a little rapid. He nodded at me and walked into the tiny kitchen, getting a bottle of water out of the fridge.   
  
"Any word from Maxwell?" he asked, sitting down in the armchair and sipping his water. I shook my head.  
  
"Iie." Oops. I didn't speak Japanese unless I'm nervous or upset or worried or angry. Only Duo knows this, but I think the others suspected something. Wufei's eyes narrowed slightly, and I met his gaze challengingly. After a minute he shrugged and walked upstairs. I sighed, running a hand through my hair.   
  
"Heero, you look tense," Quatre said, walking down the stairs and looking at me sadly. "Is it Duo?"  
  
"Of course not."  
  
"What's this mission about, anyway? It's not like him to not tell us."  
  
"All I know is that it'll take a few days to a week and obviously didn't require Deathscythe." Aha! I could mess with Deathscythe. Okay, so Duo probably wouldn't appreciate it, but it'd give me something to do. I stand up and leave the house silently, walking through the forest. There's no hint of a path, and it's just under a mile to where the Gundams are hidden, and I don't really think I thought at all as I walked.   
  
Deathscythe was crouched next to Wing, and I keyed in the password-singingshinigami-to open the hatch. I settled into the command chair and closed the hatch, looking around the small cockpit. On impulse, and knowing that I really shouldn't, I brought up Deathscythe's internal computer hard drive and looked at the files. There was a folder labelled 'Heero Yuy', and I opened it. Inside were three different files, not labelled, and I opened the first, only to come up with a password box. Okay, this was so wrong. I pulled out of the folder and just stared at it. Then something else caught my eye-a folder labelled 'Victims'.   
  
With a very bad feeling in my stomach, I opened the file and found it was a list. The first few names, I didn't recognise-Solo, Emily, Jon, Kid, Sister Helen, Father Maxwell, Janet, Nate, Kelsi, Phillip, Anya, Tara. Then came the names of bases and a number. I recognized the bases as ones he'd destroyed. Occasionally there'd be Jane and John Does in the list, and sometimes there were names, probably people who had seen his Gundam, or just people at the wrong place at the wrong time. It was a long list.  
  
Dammit. Duo kept a record of all the people he'd killed, all the blood he had on his hands, soldier and civilian. Dammit.   
  
I sighed, staring at the list. He probably had as many kills as I did. But while I could forget about them, seeing them as necessary and justified deaths, he obviously couldn't. He felt guilty about every single one of them.   
  
I closed my eyes, leaning my head back against the headrest, and thought. I'd known that Duo's wide grins were just a mask, but I'd had no idea just how much he hid. He hid all his guilt and sorrow and horror almost constantly. It had to wear him down. I didn't have much emotion to hide, so I was alright, but Duo.... Someday, he was going to snap, and I really didn't want to be around when he did. I had the feeling that it would cause some very serious mass destruction.   
  
It was nearing midnight on Tuesday when Duo walked into the safe house. I was sitting on the sofa with my laptop, updating one of my files, when the door opened. I really didn't like how he looked. His skin was paler than normal, almost white; his eyes were unusually bright but sort of dead at the same time; his feet dragged, making him sort of shuffle instead of walk.   
  
"How was the mission?" I asked in a murmur, watching him closely as he left his bags by the door and flop down in one of the armchairs.   
  
"Shitty, but successful. The resistance doctors were putting Takashi under for the operation as I left the base."   
  
"You didn't stay to rest?"  
  
"Nope. Hate those looks I get, and all those murmurs-ya know, ooh, look, he's one of those Gundam pilots, he looks so young, how many has he killed, is he armed, terrorist." His eyes flashed angrily. "Those stupid bastards are sitting there, saying, yeah, I'm fighting OZ, I'm a good guy, I'm a hero, and they don't have the slightest idea what this war is really like. They don't have any scars. They haven't hidden in a dark, damp cave with no food, no water, no warmth, while hiding from search parties who were after their blood. They haven't sacrificed anything. And they sit there, all high and mighty, look down their noses at me. I haven't even turned sixteen yet, and I have sacrificed things, done things, that they will never have to do. I have nightmares every night, about the things I've done, but I still do it, because I know I have to. They have no right to be like that."  
  
I just looked at him and let him rant on about the resistance soldiers, because it was important to him. He needed to focus on something else other than what he'd just done. He looked at me with those dead eyes, and a tear rolled down his cheek. In all the time I've known him, all the things we've been through, and I've never seen him cry. I wanted desperately to comfort him, to hold him, to.... I don't know. But I couldn't do any of it. Because while I so desperately wanted to, and was able to, to actually do it would be admitting to both him and myself that I lo... that I cared for him. That's about as much as I can admit at the moment, and it's a huge leap for me.   
  
Then we heard footsteps upstairs. The others had woken up to the sound of our voices, because there weren't supposed to be any voices. Duo wiped the tear away and grinned. Quatre and Trowa walked down, guns in hand, and stopped when they saw Duo.  
  
"Injuries?" Trowa asked quietly, putting the safety back on his gun. Duo shook his head.  
  
"Nah, perfectly healthy."  
  
"What was the mission?" Quatre asked.  
  
"Just had to rescue some scientist from OZ and get him to a resistance base. OZ doesn't even know he's gone yet." Which was technically true. OZ thought he was dead, not missing. He'd also left out the hotel and civilian causalities.   
  
"Why didn't you tell any of us you were leaving?"  
  
"I told Heero."   
  
"You didn't tell him much."  
  
"I told him everything."  
  
Quatre gasped, looking at me. "You lied!"  
  
"Yep."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because Duo asked me not to tell you."  
  
Quatre frowned. "Why did you tell him that, Duo? You're not normally this secretive."  
  
"Quat, I have more secrets than you could possibly imagine."  
  
"Well, I guess...."  
  
"I'm tired, so I'm gonna go to bed, alright?"  
  
"Alright. It's good to have you back." Quatre smiled at him and left with Trowa. Duo sighed, closing his eyes.  
  
"Truth, Duo," I said quietly. "How was the mission?"   
  
"Bloody awful. I, uh, got caught, by a couple while planting bombs in their room. Hid behind the door. Knocked the woman out. Knifed the guy. Knifed her. Locked the door. Planted the bombs. Left. Simple. Just a little more blood on my hands. Nothing to write home about." He laughed suddenly, a dry, bitter sound. "When I'd killed the OZ guards and met Takashi, he just looked at me incredulously and said, You're my rescue? You're just a kid. I just grinned and looked at him and said, I haven't been in a kid in a long time. He didn't believe me, didn't believe that I was capable of getting him out. So I showed him Shinigami; I showed him what I was. He nearly fainted. He just couldn't believe that a kid like me could be so... monstrous. Couldn't believe that the grinning kid in front of him was a cold-blooded mass-murdering terrorist who would kill anyone in an instant if they needed killing. But I can. I have. And I will again. Always kill. Always destroy."  
  
"I'm so sorry."  
  
"Apologises are just words, Heero. They don't change anything. Nothing can change what I am." He shook his head and took a deep breath, letting it out in a sigh. "Where's my bedroom? I need to sleep."  
  
"Um...."  
  
"What?"  
  
"There's only two bedrooms."  
  
"And?"  
  
"And only two beds."  
  
"Oh."  
  
Silence for a moment and then I said quietly, "I'll sleep on the couch."  
  
"Bullshit. There ain't no problem with us sharing a bed."  
  
I hesitated on that, but followed him upstairs anyway. As soon as we opened the door, there was the unmistakable sound of a safety being clicked off a gun, and we both froze.  
  
"Chill, Wufei," Duo said wearily, sighing and walking the rest of the way into the room. "It's just us."  
  
Wufei put the safety back on his gun and put it back under his pillow. "Maxwell, you couldn't come back during the day?"   
  
Duo didn't respond to that, and neither did I. Wufei went back to sleep, while Duo and I changed into what passed for pyjamas among us pilots-shorts or boxers. Pyjamas were unnecessary and took up needed space, so we didn't have them.   
  
Duo slid into the spare bed-which happened to be the one closest to the door-and looked at me in the darkness. I hesitated at the foot of the bed. He raised his hands and used sign-language to say, Get in the bed now, Heero, or I shoot you. And if I start screaming, get the fuck out of the bed and don't try to touch me.  
  
Well duh. One of the most basic lessons is that you do not touch a sleeping soldier-especially not a Gundam pilot-when they're asleep and not expecting to be touched, especially if they are having a violent nightmare. The results are often bloody. I rolled my eyes at him and climbed into the bed, feeling automatically for the gun hidden under the pillow.   
  
The bed was quite narrow, so as much as I tried to put some distance between me and the warm, trembling body of Duo, our sides were pressed together. As it was, he had one leg and arm flung over the side. Duo sighed.   
  
"Heero, raise your left arm," he ordered. I frowned, but raised my arm. Duo rolled over and pressed himself against me, head nestled in the hollow of my shoulder, one hand on my bare stomach, the length of his body pressed against mine. "This okay?" he asked quietly, rolling his eyes to look up at me uncertainly.   
  
I would never in a million years tell him just how okay this was. I could be close to him, hold him, and it wouldn't reveal a damn thing. Hopefully. I smiled softly and draped my arm around him, closing my eyes. I heard Duo's breath ease out in a soft sigh and waited until his breathing had steadied and deepened. I could feel his heart thumping rhythmically against my side.   
  
I opened my eyes and looked at him. His masks were gone, and even in sleep there was a hint of... pain on his features, a faintly stubborn expression on his face, an expression that said, You can hurt me, but I'll hurt back, because I've done it before, and always survived, and I'm not gonna give you an inch. That one expression summed up so much about Duo. I tenderly brushed my fingertips against his cheek, the barest of touches, but all I dared. The smallest, softest smile curled Duo's lips and he snuggled closer to me, mumbling something incoherent under his breath. I smiled and left myself fall asleep. 


	4. Chapter Four

Notes: Everyone give a big awww for Duo! The angst and emotional torture start here, so if you don't like seeing Duo being hurt, go away, but if you don't mind seeing Duo get hurt so long as he gets better, keep on reading. I'll put this in the beginning of every few chapters so no one forgets: I really, really wish I owned them, but I don't, so don't sue! Enjoy and review!  
  
When Duo jerked violently to the side, I was instantly awake. He was frowning, shivering, and thrashing madly, but not yet screaming. Emphasis on the yet. I rolled out of the bed and watched as the first blood-curdling scream spilled from his lips. Wufei was on his feet immediately, gun in hand.   
  
"Nightmare," I said tersely, just as Quatre and Trowa burst in, both carrying their guns. They looked at Duo as he screamed again, spine bowing almost painfully, and sighed, putting the safety back on their guns, and just watching, helpless, as Duo fought against his nightmare.  
  
Duo screamed wordlessly for over five minutes, as fast as he could draw breath, but then his screams formed a single word: "SORRY!"   
  
That one word slashed at my heart like a knife and I gasped, flinching. I wasn't the only one to react. Tears welled up in Quatre's eyes and he reached blindly for Trowa, confirming my suspicions that he felt something more than friendship for the tall Italian. Wufei looked shocked, staring at Duo with wide eyes.   
  
Duo jerked awake suddenly, violently, sitting up as if he were a spring. He looked around wildly, panting for breath, and finally found me. He begged me silently, desperately, and I understood.  
  
"Everyone, out," I growled threateningly. They didn't hesitate. They fled. I cautiously approached the bed and knelt down. "Talk?" I asked quietly, and his breath hitched slightly, a tiny hiccupping sob escaping his lips. He shook his head mutely and I suppressed a sigh. We didn't talk about our nightmares, especially Duo, but I had the dreaded feeling that he needed to talk, needed to cry, needed that... release. But he kept it all bottled up inside, and it was slowly killing him.   
  
"Do you think you can sleep again?" I asked, knowing the answer, but needing to ask anyway. He shook his head, tucking his legs up to his chest and wrapping his arms around his knees. He began to rock, gently at first, but then violently. I don't think he realized that he was doing, or that he could stop. I hesitantly reached out to touch his shoulder, and found that his skin was deathly cold. His eyes were blank and unseeing. Shock, or something very close to it. Damn.   
  
I pulled the quilt out from under me and wrapped it around his shoulders, rubbing his arms. He didn't acknowledge any of it and I began to get more than a little worried. I hesitated, debating what to do, and then decided to break the unwritten and unspoken rule.   
  
"Duo, it's alright to have nightmares," I said quietly. "We all do. We have to do some pretty... horrible stuff, and it's alright to be guilty, to have nightmares. Just... don't let it break you. You are so strong, Duo, stronger than anyone I've ever met; nothing you've been through, the horrors you've seen, has broken you; don't let this. Please. Just... smile for me. Make a wisecrack or a joke or tease or me or irritate me....just do something. Please."   
  
Duo didn't acknowledge my words. Didn't acknowledge anything. I chewed my lower lip to keep from screaming, and continued to rub his arms through the quilt.  
  
"Alright, Yuy, what the fuck happened on his mission?" Wufei demanded, leaning in the doorway. I looked up at him and sighed, giving up completely.  
  
"It was an infiltration-extraction mission, a scientist who wanted to switch sides. He was staying a hotel with some guards. Simple enough. Right?" Wufei nodded, frowning, and I continued, "OZ had put some sort of chip in him, a homing beacon, so if they suspected he was missing... they'd find him immediately. Unless they thought he was dead. The other half of Duo's mission was to completely demolish the hotel. Civilians included."  
  
Wufei froze, not even blinking. "How many?" he whispered after a while.  
  
"One hundred and fifty, give or take. Lots of kids."  
  
Wufei muttered something in Chinese under his breath, and then shook his head. "Barton has some sedatives; you're group leader; it's your decision."  
  
Sedatives would grant Duo the rest he was incapable of, but drugs didn't work too well on us, didn't last long, and sometimes gave us funny side effects. Plus, Duo hated any form of drugs, hated the weakness and helplessness and sometimes reality-alterations they caused. After a moment, I shook my head.  
  
"No, no drugs. If he's not better by tomorrow, um, later today, I mean, then I'll reconsider. But not now."   
  
Wufei nodded and left without another word. I sighed, and dared to wrap my arms around Duo's shaking shoulders, moving to sit behind him, rocking with him.   
  
"I'm so sorry, Duo," I whispered in his hear. "I wish I could take this pain from you. I'm so sorry."   
  
Seven in the morning found me and Duo in exactly the same position-me hugging him from behind, both of us rocking, neither of us speaking. The others had left us the hell alone, though I knew they were awake. I could hear them downstairs, making coffee and tea and talking quietly. I felt distantly bad that they hadn't slept at all in the past four or five hours, but most of my brain was concentrating on Duo. The shivering had worsened to shuddering, then lessened to shivering again, weaving back and forth between the two, and right now, he was shivering. I'd been checking his temperature every ten minutes since he started rocking. He's dropped three degrees, gained five, then lost four, gained one, and stayed there over the space of the last few hours.   
  
The fact that I could judge someone's temperature to a single degree just by touching was useful, but I really didn't like it; just like I didn't like being able to hear my comrades breathe in their bedrooms when I stood in the hall, or being able to feel Quatre trying to read me, or being able to bend steel bars with my bare hands, or falling down a fifty-story cliff and walking away with only a broken leg, or being able to set bones without any drugs and not feel blinding pain.   
  
I literally shook my head to clear my thoughts. I was supposed to be focusing on Duo, not my fucked up self.   
  
Someone knocked on the door and it opened a crack to reveal Trowa, carrying a tray, on which was a sandwich, a bowl of tomato soup, and two cups of coffee. He set it down on the edge of the bed, next to me.   
  
"Do you think you can get him to eat?" he murmured, and I thought about.  
  
"Probably not."   
  
Trowa left, before I could ask him to go, and I raised a spoonful of soup, holding Duo firmly to reduce the rocking. I put the spoonful of soup to his lips.  
  
"Duo, could you eat this for me? It's tomato soup. Please." I pushed the spoon against his half-parted lips and was granted entrance. He swallowed the soup without acknowledging it, but hey, he was eating something hot. It was progress.  
  
It was slow, and he only managed about half the soup before pressing his lips together and continuing his violent rocking. But his temperature had raised six degrees. Improvement. I finished the rest of the soup, and grabbed one of the coffee cups.  
  
"Duo, do you want coffee?" I asked quietly, holding the cup close to him so that he could smell it. He didn't take his eyes of the spot of the wall he'd been watching for the past few hours, and he didn't open his mouth, so I put the coffee back on the tray with a sigh.   
  
The next person to visit was Wufei, and he stepped into the room at ten thirty, hovering near the door.  
  
"Barton and I have a mission in three hours. Should we ask for a delay?"  
  
"Iie, things will be fine."   
  
Wufei looked sceptically at Duo, who, of course, didn't notice the attention. "You sure?"   
  
"Hai. I got some hot soup into him. I think... he just needs time."  
  
Wufei sighed. "Unfortunately, that's something we don't have."   
  
"Why?" A very bad feeling seeped into my stomach, like tendrils of ice. "Wufei, what's happened? Talk to me, Chang."  
  
Wufei hesitated. "The mission isn't only for Barton and myself; it's for Maxwell, too."   
  
"No! They can't ask him to go out killing again! He can't!"  
  
Duo stopped rocking and both Wufei and I stared at him. Duo's lips moved silently for a moment and then he whispered, "A mission?"  
  
"You don't have to go. Quatre can go instead."  
  
"Mission. Killing."  
  
"You don't have to go."  
  
".... Little kids. So little. So innocent." Then he started rocking again, but his eyes had gone from dead to haunted, sparkling with tears. I wasn't sure if it was an improvement or not. Okay, one thing at a time.   
  
"Wufei, contact base, tell them that Duo is unfit for duty until further notice. Tell them that all missions for Deathscythe can be handled by Wing. Tell them that if they have a problem with that they can fucking answer to me."  
  
Wufei nodded and left. I clutched Duo tighter, my chin resting on his shoulder. I was close enough to smell the faint spicy scent of his hair, and found that once I noticed it, I couldn't forget it. It was a completely intoxicating smell.   
  
"No more killing," Duo whimpered, a tear rolling down his cheek. I wanted to lie, I wanted to promise him no more killing, but I couldn't. I couldn't explain it, but I just couldn't lie to him.  
  
"I'm sorry, Duo," I murmured in his ear, closing my eyes against a suspicious wetness. "I'm so sorry."   
  
A few minutes later, there was another knock on the door and Wufei walked back in. From his guarded expression, I knew I wasn't going to like what he was going to say.  
  
"Just tell me," I ordered, and he sighed, fingering the butt of his gun.   
  
"The mission has been postponed, and Duo is off active duty."  
  
I ignored the fact that he'd called Duo by his first name, and not just Maxwell. "And?"  
  
"And... he has to go see a doctor. Report at the nearest resistance base asap."  
  
"A doctor. A shrink."  
  
"Yeah. We're allowed to go with him, and get mental checkups ourselves."   
  
"Duo doesn't talk to strangers about his feelings. He doesn't even talk to us."  
  
"He... doesn't have a choice. Winner and Barton are already packing. Can Duo move?"  
  
"No." I sighed heavily, rubbing my eyes with one hand. "Get the sedative from Trowa. I'll give it to him."  
  
Wufei didn't question me, just left, and I thought. Duo didn't talk to anyone about his feelings, period. He was not going to talk to some strange shrink. I doubt he could even speak to anyone but me. He'd said a total of thirteen words in the past eight or so hours, and I had the feeling that he was speaking more to himself than anyone else, except maybe me. I know that sounds conceited, but.... I think I was the one Duo was closest to. I think I was the one who was going to get him through this. Stop laughing, or I'll hurt you.   
  
Wufei returned quickly with a needle, and helped hold Duo still while I swabbed his arm with alcohol and injected him with the sedative. It only took a moment for it to kick in, making him go limp in my arms. I laid him down gently on the bed and stretched until joints popped.   
  
"I'll get dressed, get packed, and get a car," I informed Wufei. "Make sure Duo stays drugged, just don't use Thorazine. He has a bad reaction to it." It was a dismissal, as polite as I could manage that moment, and it was enough, because Wufei left.   
  
I changed quickly into some faded jeans and a loose dark blue dress shirt over a white tank top and shoulder holster. Yes, the holster chafed a little, but I could bear it. I also strapped a pair of throwing knives to my forearms. They'd been a gift from Duo when I'd lost mine on a mission. I kept my essential things packed in two duffel bags in case of attack, so I just added my clothes, and was packed. It took me less than a minute. I glanced at Duo, and decided to pack for him too. Then I realised that he had never unpacked from his mission. All he had out was the black cargo trousers and black tee shirt when he'd come in last night. It would do. I dressed him quickly, not thinking about what I was doing, and then left, pulling on my trainers as I went.  
  
The town was three miles away, and I set myself to a light jog that quickly covered the distance. Finding a car was easy, finding the right car was harder. It had to be something inconspicuous, with a decent engine and enough petrol in the tank, and could fit five boys, one of whom was unconscious. I finally settled on a dark blue van parked in a car park. It only took me a second to get the door open, and another moment to get the engine started. Duo, Trowa and I all know how to hotwire any car, truck or motorbike. Wufei thinks it's dishonourable, and Quatre... well, Quatre's just Quatre.   
  
I was at the road next to the forest after being gone just half an hour, and watched as my friends walked out from behind the trees. Quatre and Wufei were carrying Duo. Trowa was carrying Duo's bags. We all had two duffel bags, no more, and light enough to carry for a long time. We'd been thankful for that two months ago when we'd been discovered and had to run two miles, while hiding from the enemy, through a rocky terrain, carrying our gear, to our Gundams. It had not helped that Trowa had a broken leg and Wufei had a broken arm. But we'd managed it. Of course.   
  
Quatre and Wufei sat in the front, while Trowa sat in the back, with Duo pressed against his side, his head resting on Trowa's shoulder, who checked his temperature and pulse frequently.   
  
The nearest resistance base was a three-and-a-half hour drive, three-hours-clear if we didn't always pay attention to speed limits. I paid attention to speed limits and took the extra half hour. No one said anything. I guess none of us were particularly eager to get to the base.   
  
After an hour, Quatre flicked on the radio to fill the silence. After listening to upbeat pop music for half an hour, he turned it off again. I kept flicking glances at him, a question preying heavily on my mind. But Quatre didn't reveal what he sensed from others often, said it was like a priest talking about a confession. But I had to ask.  
  
"Can you... sense anything from him?" I asked quietly, my grip tightening on the steering wheel. Quatre looked at me, something dark and un-Quatre-like flitting behind his blue-green eyes. After a moment he sighed, leaning his head back against the headrest and closing his eyes, rubbing at his chest with the heel of his hand.  
  
"A lot of... guilt... and pain... and horror... and sadness... and... Gods, I don't have a word for half the emotions he's feeling. But none of it is good. He's on the brink of some huge black pit, and he's fighting it, with everything he has, but it keeps pulling at him, all the time, and he can't fight it forever. He's losing. He's slipping. And if he falls, we'll never get him back."  
  
"I won't let that happen!" No, I did not say it. I opened my mouth to, but Wufei beat me to it. I glanced in the rear-view mirror at him, and raised an eyebrow. He flushed slightly, but continued, "Duo is the strongest, brightest spirit I have ever met, and I will not all that light to vanish. I don't care if he doesn't want my help, he's got it, and he's just going to have to live with it."   
  
"He's got my help, too," Trowa murmured.  
  
"And mine," Quatre said.  
  
I realized something then. I wasn't the only one who cared about Duo. We all did. We were probably the closest thing to a true family any of us had ever had, except maybe Quatre and Wufei, but their families were made of blood, this family was made of... something else. We were united, unbreakable. And Duo was right in the middle of us. If someone was trying to hurt him, even himself, we'd protect him. I don't know if any of the others realized this, but I knew that whether they understood why they were doing it or not, they would rescue Duo from the dark pit he was falling into.   
  
Duo stirred and Trowa checked on him again. "He's waking up," he reported to me in his soft murmur that right now, was very soothing. "More drugs?"  
  
I hesitated, and then shook my head. "Iie. Let him wake up."   
  
"Sure?"  
  
I just nodded. They didn't question me. I was group leader and Duo's partner. Add in the fact that I could kill them all single-handed, and they tended to listen to me. It didn't take long for Duo to wake up; like I said, drugs don't work too well on us. A startled, half-muffled scream escaped his throat and he looked around wildly.  
  
"Calm down, Duo, you're safe," I said, watching him closely and completely forgetting the fact that I was driving. Duo looked at me, something... desperate in his eyes. I saw Quatre frown out of the corner of my eye.  
  
"Pull over, Heero," he ordered, and I frowned.  
  
"Why?"  
  
"He needs... he needs you to be with him."  
  
"Nani?"  
  
"It's confusing and I don't really understand it but... he needs you to hold him. He needs your touch."  
  
"Why me?"  
  
"Possibly because you're his best friend. Possibly because you're the strongest and can protect him. Possibly because you held him before. Possibly all of the above. Possibly something else."  
  
I pulled into a small petrol station and let Wufei drive. As soon as I slid into the back, Duo fairly pounced on me, clutching at me with a grip that I'm not sure even I could've broken. Feeling more than a little embarrassed with the others watching, I slipped my arms around him and began to rock gently back and forth.  
  
"It's alright, Duo. It's alright. You're safe. I'm here. You're safe. I'll protect you. It's alright." I kept repeating soothing nonsense words to him for the rest of the trip, and it seemed like only a second later when we were passing guard stations, Wufei giving the right code phrases.   
  
Duo wasn't up to walking, so I carried him. He's nearly my size, and his weight was unbalanced, but I could carry him for a short distance. We ended up in a nice but cluttered office. Trowa and Wufei were leaning against the back wall, Quatre was sitting in one chair, and we'd tried to make Duo sit in the other, but he refused to let go of me, so he ended up sitting on my lap. I noticed that both Trowa and Wufei had their arms crossed over their chests, which put their hands close to their guns. I didn't comment. 


	5. Chapter Five

Notes: Shrinks, yuck; Duo, Heero and Quatre in a shower, yum! No citrus, though, Duo's still catatonic! But I do promise a 1x2x1 lime in the future, possibly a lemon. We'll see. Enjoy and review!   
  
It was thirty minutes until Dr. Shaw walked in. He was a tall, lean man with dark skin and greying hair. He attempted a smile, but it faded when he saw that he was faced with four very not-friendly, not-happy lethal Gundam pilots. He sat down at his desk and stacked some files before looking at us.  
  
"Alright. My name is Dr. Shaw and I've been assigned to talk to one Mr. Duo Maxwell. I take it that's him?" He gestured to Duo, who didn't acknowledge him at all.  
  
"That's him," I grunted.  
  
"Could you tell me what's the basic problem?"  
  
"How about the fact that he's fifteen and has a higher body-count than most middle-aged war veterans?" Wufei growled. "Or the fact that he has to be the God of Death? Or the fact that he has to kill anyone who he knows he's a Gundam pilot? Or it could be the fact that he just had to kill over a hundred civilians, including children, because he was told to. Take your fucking pick, Doctor."  
  
Dr. Shaw blinked. I glanced at Wufei. I'd never seen him so... angry; protective; intense.   
  
"Alright, can I call him Duo?" Shaw asked.  
  
"Hai," I said. "You can call him Duo."  
  
"Good. Now, boys, Duo and I have to talk alone for a while, so perhaps you should go to the mess hall and get something to eat?"  
  
"I don't think Duo will like me leaving."  
  
"Oh?"  
  
"Yeah. I'm pretty sure that the only reason he isn't completely freaking our right now is that I'm holding him."  
  
Shaw raised his eyebrows and just looked at me, and the look was very eloquent. "I don't mean to be insulting, but I doubt that."  
  
I shrugged mentally and stood up, taking Duo with me. Gently, I pulled away from him, and he gave a strangled scream, reaching for me again. I carefully fended off his attempts.  
  
"Duo, I have to go, alright? I have to go now." But he didn't seem to hear me. His eyes were wide and feverish, desperate, and he clutched at me again. I looked at Shaw, who was watching us intently. "He needs me here," I said, letting Duo grip my body without responding.   
  
Shaw sighed. "Alright. I need to think on this for a moment. Why don't all five of you go down to the mess hall and bring Duo back here in an hour?"   
  
We left without anyone asking me if Duo could eat. We found the mess hall easily, and as soon as we stepped through the doors, pretty much all noise stopped and everyone looked at us. The others moved up to stand protectively around Duo, who was clutching at my waist with an iron grip while I held him in a gentle but firm grip.   
  
"Yuy, go find a table," Wufei said. "We'll get some food."  
  
"Right. Soup, if they have it." I spotted a table near the back corner and walked towards it, glaring at anyone who dared meet my eyes. As soon as I sat down, Duo tried to climb into my lap, and after hesitating for a moment, I let him. If any of the people watching wanted to make an issue of it, they could spend the rest of their lives in the infirmary. Simple as that.   
  
"Duo, can you hear me?" I muttered, watching his eyes. He looked at me with his haunted violet eyes, and something registered in them. I almost didn't see it, but I think he did see me, hear me. "Duo, we're going to help you, alright? We're going to make you better. But you have to want our help. You have to let us help you. "   
  
"So little," Duo whimpered, burying his face in my shoulder, and I could hear all the pain and the sorrow and the guilt and the anguish in his voice. It very nearly broke me. I sighed and wrapped my arms around him and... lied.  
  
"No more killing, Duo," I murmured into his ear, closing my eyes. "I promise, no more killing. No more killing."   
  
The others walked over, Trowa and Quatre balancing two trays each. Both trays held coffee, sandwich, and soup, chicken and vegetable. Duo's favourite soup was tomato, but he didn't mind chicken and vegetable. I raised a spoonful of soup to Duo's lips, holding tight to stop the rocking, and he let me spoon feed him almost all of the soup. I could feel the soldiers in the room watching us, talking, but just ignored them. Once Duo had eaten the soup, I checked his temperature again, and found it had raised two degrees. I picked up half of the sandwich and held it to his lips.   
  
"Duo, could you take a bite of sandwich for me?" I asked quietly. "You need something solid inside you. Please? Duo?"   
  
Duo ignored me and began rocking again. I sighed, putting the sandwich down. I ignored my lunch, too, just taking a quick sip of coffee.  
  
"If I hear the words 'poor little kid' one more time, I'm going to hurt someone," Wufei growled. I'd been ignoring the soldiers, but now that I listened, I could hear the words repeatedly, from various places in the room. "That's it." Wufei pushed himself up and stood on the table. "Listen up, pathetic onnas! We are Gundam pilots, and we are different! We face horrors every day that you can't imagine! We live forever alone, forever killing, and don't complain! My companion here is fifteen and has earned the title Shinigami, the God of Death! He has known only killing, only pain, for his entire life! And murdering over a hundred innocent people has finally made him snap! So shut the fuck up, leave us alone, or we will kill you all!"   
  
Silence. You could've heard a pin drop. Wufei sat back down very calmly, and sipped his coffee. I glanced at Duo and found that, while his rocking had not ceased, his eyes were now fixed on Wufei. Wufei noticed and looked back. After a moment of silent eye contact, the Chinese pilot nodded his head in the best bow he could manage from his position, and went back to his meal.   
  
We left the mess hall quickly, with half an hour to waste. To fill the time, we went to the room we'd been given, away from the barracks. It was a simple room with five narrow cots and five empty footlockers. We didn't unpack.   
  
Quatre sighed, sitting down on his cot. Silently, Trowa sat down beside him and began massaging his shoulders. I wondered if Trowa felt the same way about Quatre that Quatre felt about him.  
  
"Maxwell could use a shower," Wufei said quietly into the heavy silence.   
  
"Hai," I muttered. Duo obviously hadn't showered in a few days, and quite badly needed one.   
  
"We'll clear out the showers," Trowa murmured, giving Quatre's shoulders a final squeeze before standing up. He gestured to Wufei and they left. Quatre moved to Duo's duffel bags and found his 2 in 1 shampoo and conditioner, and towel. He hesitated, looking at Duo, who was curled in my lap.   
  
"One of us will need to hold him, and another to wash him," he muttered nervously.   
  
"I hold, you wash."  
  
"You sure?"  
  
"Hai. We'll leave all our boxers on."   
  
"Of course. Can you carry him?"  
  
"Of course." I stood up, shifting Duo's weight. Quatre opened the door, and we walked down to the showers. Wufei and Trowa were standing outside the double doors, guns in hand, threatening glints in their eyes. I trusted them to make sure no one walked in. Few people would question someone with a gun, and fewer still would question a Gundam pilot with a gun.  
  
The showers were one of those large communal ones with no stalls, which was okay, because we were alone. Quatre stripped to his boxers-white silk-and helped me strip Duo to his plain black ones. It was harder for me to get undressed, because Duo wouldn't let go of me, so eventually Quatre ended up pulling off my dress shirt and tank top while I held Duo away from my body. Then we had to stand up, and Quatre had to unzip my jeans. Letting him undress me would have been embarrassing, if we weren't think so hard about the reason he was undressing me.   
  
Once we were all in our boxers, we stepped into the showers and turned on the water. Duo's legs were not up to holding any of his weight, so I did, while Quatre grabbed a bar of soap and a washcloth and started to wash his thin, trembling body. I have to give Quatre credit for being totally professional. He could've been washing a car, for all anyone else knew.   
  
The water was seriously nice against my skin, hard and hot, and I realized just how tense I was. Don't tell anyone, but a long, hot shower is one of the few things I truly enjoy. I rolled my head and shoulders, trying to relax, but for some strange reason, I couldn't. Go figure.   
  
Quatre bit his lip, looking at me, "Um, we should wash his, um, private area."   
  
"Just do it, Quatre. I don't think he knows what we're doing anyway."  
  
His face a furious red, Quatre peeled down Duo's wet boxers and quickly cleaned the exposed flesh, before replacing the boxers. No, I didn't watch. Quatre pulled the band out of Duo's hair and worked out the kinks, eyes widening at the sight of Duo with his hair down. Even under the circumstances, I could appreciate Duo's beauty, or maybe because of the circumstances. Duo was so troubled, so haunted, and yet, so beautiful. Inside, he was fighting demons, but outside, he looked like an angel. Gods, when did I get so poetic?   
  
Washing Duo's hair took a bloody long time, and I divided my attention between supporting Duo, and making sure he didn't get soap in his eyes. Just as we were rinsing out the soap, we heard angry voices. I listened and heard Wufei shouting, "Leave now or I break your arm!"   
  
"I want a shower!" an unknown voice retorted.  
  
"The showers are busy!"  
  
"Stinking Gundam pilots! Think you can do whatever the fuck you like because you're so hard done-by! Poor little kids, asked to be soldiers! You're pathetic!"  
  
Then came the hard sound of a bone breaking, then of flesh hitting flesh, and a small thump, presumably the now-unconscious soldier falling to the floor. Wufei did give him a warning, probably several. It was the soldier's fault. And even if it wasn't, we'd have found a way to make it look like it was.   
  
"Alright, he's done," Quatre announced, turning off the water. He grabbed the towel and quickly dried his body, before drying Duo's. He patted me down, and then wrapped the towel around Duo's hair to stop it dripping. Our boxers were soaked, but we ignored it and dressed.   
  
When we opened the door, we found Wufei and Trowa completely ignoring the unconscious soldier on the floor. They glanced at us and put their guns away.   
  
When we got back to the room, I had everyone look away before redressing Duo in different black boxers, black jeans, black tank top, and heavy black sweater. Getting myself dressed was harder, but I managed it, changing into different boxers, jeans, and forest green tee shirt. I took the towel off Duo's hair and dried it a little more, before taking the brush from Quatre.   
  
Brushing Duo's hair was... oddly intimate. I don't know why, but it was. I shrugged mentally, and concentrated on getting out all the tangles. His hair was darker when it was wet, a dark brown like mine. It didn't suit his complexion. I liked him with golden-chestnut hair, naturally streaked with blonde and auburn. I expected to have trouble braiding his hair, as I've never done it before, but I found it was easy, probably because I'd seen him do it so often.   
  
"We're ten minutes late," Wufei commented as we walked down the corridor to Shaw's office. I glanced at him over Duo's head.  
  
"So?"  
  
"Just saying."  
  
I knew he hadn't meant it as a reproach. Quatre is the only one of us who doesn't mind shrinks, but I think even he wasn't happy to be here. We wanted Duo better, sure, but... well, we didn't like getting outside help. We were a family, and we tried to handle all problems internally. We're just protective that way.   
  
Shaw was sitting at his desk, writing something in a file. He glanced up at us and frowned. We just smiled-yes, me included-and took up our previous positions.   
  
"Alright, I've thought about it, and reviewed your files, and decided that if Duo is to recover, he is going to need help."  
  
"Well duh," Quatre said.   
  
"I would ask all of you to leave, other than Mr. Yuy."   
  
"No," Wufei said flatly. "We aren't leaving."  
  
"Mr. Chang-"  
  
"Duo is ours to protect, ours to care for, ours to help. You deal with him, you deal with us. We aren't leaving."   
  
"H-H-H-H-Heero?" The voice was just the breath of a whisper, but we all heard it, and we all looked at Duo. He was looking up at me with wide, frightened eyes. "H-Heero, I'm so cold."   
  
My arms tightened around him almost of their own accord. "I've got you, Duo. We're all here."   
  
"T-They were so innocent. And I killed them. All dead. All dead. All dead." The tears started then, rolling down his cheeks. I was vaguely aware of Trowa and Wufei bodily removing Shaw, but all my attention was focused on Duo. The tears were slow and silent, almost as if he weren't crying, but his eyes were leaking.   
  
Then something inside him seemed to snap, and he began to cry in earnest, huge sobs wracking his body, the tears coming faster. He clutched at me as if I were all that were holding him on the edge of the black pit, and I clutched him back with a matching fierceness. Come tomorrow, we'd both be bruised.  
  
A pair of arms wrapped around us, and I blinked at Quatre. He was crying, too, but not as hard as Duo. Then Trowa embraced us, followed by Wufei, so that we were all holding onto Duo, surrounding him with our bodies, our warmth, our protection.   
  
I have no idea how long Duo cried, it seemed like an eternity, but eventually, he stopped, and went still in our arms. When I looked, he'd fallen asleep. This was the first natural sleep he'd had since the nightmare, and I doubted it would be all that peaceful for long. Trowa checked his pulse and temperature.  
  
"He's... better," he murmured, frowning slightly.  
  
"Better?"  
  
"Pulse, stronger, steadier; temperature, rising. Come on, let's... get him into a bed. He needs to rest."   
  
I didn't voice my doubts about Duo actually getting rest, because we were all so desperately trying to be positive. I stood up, with some help from Trowa, and carried Duo down the corridor to our room. I laid Duo down in the bed, but when I tried to leave, he moaned and reached for me. Smiling softly, I laid down beside him, and he settled easily into the curve of my body, as if he were made to lie there.   
  
"They look so... peaceful, like that," Quatre murmured to Trowa, and I blushed, looking away. Duo began to shiver again, but his skin was warm, so it had nothing to do with the temperature.   
  
"Is he warm enough?" Wufei asked, noticing Duo's shivers. I sighed.  
  
"On the outside, yeah. On the inside, no."  
  
They didn't ask what I meant, because they all knew. They'd all felt that horrible ice consume their heart, their soul. I'd felt it twice. Once after murdering one hundred and seventy-three innocent civilians (and one little puppy), once after the New Edwards disaster. I didn't want to feel like that again, and I so desperately wanted to get that iciness out of Duo. He was the warmest person I'd ever met-when he wasn't being Shinigami-and I wanted him to stay that way.   
  
"It's alright, Duo," I whispered. "It's alright. Nothing can hurt you here. I'll protect you. It's alright. I'm here. I'll always be here." And, surprisingly, it worked. He stopped shivering and just lay there. I blinked, and kept talking to him. "I won't let anything hurt you, Duo. I'll protect you. I won't let anything hurt you. I'm here. I'll always be here." 


	6. Chapter Six

Notes: The beginning of the recovery! And Heero says those three magic words! And they're NOT omae o korosu, or Duo you baka! Don't you just love it when Heero's all mushy? Enjoy and review!   
  
It was nearing dawn when the nightmare took him. I'd begun to foolishly hope that maybe the nightmare wouldn't happen. I should've known better. Duo jerked suddenly and I rolled out of the bed as the first scream burst from his throat. He struggled, twisting and turning and thrashing, clawing at the air, screaming all the time.  
  
"Duo, calm down!" I urged. "You're dreaming, Duo. Wake up. Come on, Duo, just wake up. Please!"   
  
He didn't seem to hear me. His screams echoed so loudly in the silent room, cutting at my heart like knives. It was all I could do to keep from touching him, trying to comfort him, but I knew that if I did, he would try to hurt me, and I might have to hurt him to stop him. I didn't want to hurt him. So I was forced to just stand by and watch, utterly and completely helpless. I felt like screaming myself.  
  
"I'M SORRY!" Duo screamed, sitting up and looking around wildly, searching for something, I think.  
  
"Duo?" I asked softly, taking a hesitant step forward. Duo's gaze swung to me and whatever he saw, it wasn't me and it wasn't good. He screamed and scrabbled off the bed, flinging the door open and running away.  
  
"Shit!" I cursed, following him. But he was fast, faster than normal, and I couldn't catch him. He ended up outside, just outside the barracks, when he collapsed, shaking, sobbing, and screaming.   
  
"Go away!" he screamed between sobs. "Please! I'm so sorry! Just go away!"   
  
"Duo?" I stepped forward, and when he didn't scrabble away, I knelt down and embraced him. He clutched at me like he'd been doing so much in the past, Gods, was it only two days?  
  
"Make them go away, Heero," he sobbed. "Make them all go away. Make the pain stop. Please."   
  
"I'm so sorry, Duo." I felt so fucking helpless! Dammit, he was falling, falling so fast, and I couldn't do a thing! I wanted so much to make them go away, make the pain stop, and I couldn't. All I could do was hold him, and it wasn't enough. It wasn't nearly enough. But it was all I had.   
  
I felt eyes on me, making my skin itch, and I looked up to find that about two dozen soldiers had come out of the barracks, probably because of Duo's screams, and were staring at us. I glared at them, and wished desperately for my friends. As if on command, my friends appeared, all slightly out of breath. They looked at me and Duo, then at the soldiers, and moved to block us from view.  
  
"Alright, get the fuck back to your beds before we kill you all." Surprisingly, this wasn't from Wufei, it was from quiet and calm Trowa. His voice was still quiet, but it wasn't calm, it was shaking with anger.   
  
".... Is that kid alright?" one soldier asked, trying to peer around the wall made by Quatre, Trowa and Wufei, to look at me and Duo.   
  
"He has issues. If you'd been through what he's been through, you'd have issues, too. So leave us all the fuck alone."   
  
Some of them left, but about ten of them stayed. Wufei slid the safety off his gun and fired a shot into the ground. As he'd had the safety on, he'd probably brought the gun just for this purpose.   
  
"There are fourteen bullets left in this clip, and only eleven of you. Now fuck off, before I have just three bullets left and not fourteen."   
  
The soldiers fled. I turned my attention back to Duo, though it had never really left him. He was still crying, but he wasn't sobbing or screaming any more. But I was still helpless. In desperation, I turned to the one person who knew partly what was going on in Duo's heart.  
  
"Quatre, what can I do?"   
  
"I don't... I don't know. He's... he's so lost... he's trying... to find us... to find the world... but it's so dark... oh, Gods, it's so dark."   
  
Trowa embraced him gently, and Quatre clung to him, much like Duo clung to me. Only, Trowa's embrace seemed to help Quatre, and I'm not sure my embrace was helping Duo.  
  
"It is," Quatre gasped. "Your touch is the only thing keeping him from being lost forever. Lost in the cold, in the darkness..."   
  
"Hush, little one," Trowa murmured. "Stop reading him. You're hurting yourself."   
  
"I can't help it. He's screaming at me. Oh, Gods, Trowa, it hurts so much."   
  
"Trowa, get a sedative," I ordered. "As strong as Duo's body can handle without too strong side-effects."   
  
Trowa nodded and walked away, his footfalls echoing in the still air. I looked at Wufei, and tried to think up a plausible errand for him. I needed a couple of minutes alone with Duo. But before I could speak, Wufei took Quatre's shoulder and led him away.  
  
"We'll return in five minutes," he said quietly, and I just blinked at his back. Well, damn. Sometimes that guy amazes me. I looked down at Duo and drew away enough to look into his shining, haunted eyes.  
  
"Duo, can you hear me? Do you know who I am? Say my name, Duo. Please."  
  
"H-Heero."   
  
"Good. That's good. Do you know who you are?"   
  
"K-Killer. Shinigami. So evil."   
  
"No, Duo, you're not evil. You are the...." Okay, I know that this is probably a seriously bad idea, but I have this feeling that... if I tell him how I feel... it'll help. "You're the only person I have ever loved." There, I admitted it.   
  
Duo blinked at me, and some of the... whatever seeped out of his eyes, and he just stared at me.   
  
"D-Do you?" he whispered. "Do you love me?"   
  
"With every breath in my body."   
  
"W-Why?"   
  
"Because you're beautiful, and strong, and brave, and kind, and warm, and funny, and you never let anyone break you. If they say scream, you refuse to even whimper. If they say stand up, you sit down. And I love you for all of that and more."   
  
"D-Do you think I'm evil?"   
  
"No. You could never be evil, Duo."  
  
"T-They were so innocent, Heero, so little. And I killed them. Oh, Gods, I killed them."   
  
"I know. And I can't erase what you did. But you had to do it. You just have to... put it behind you."   
  
"W-Will you help me?"   
  
"Always." I said it with as much sincerity as I could muster, and Duo, apparently, believed me, because he actually smiled, a smile that made his eyes light up, and then fell unconscious. But he wasn't shaking, and he wasn't crying, and he wasn't screaming. He was just asleep, and maybe, just maybe, it'd be peaceful.   
  
We left the base at lunch. Screw our orders. Duo needed to have what he knew, who he knew, around him, not dozens of strangers in a strange place, giving him strange looks, and asking strange questions. He was still asleep when I carried him into the van. Someone had emptied it off the clutter that had been in the back when I'd stolen it, and put some blankets down for comfort.   
  
"You guys aren't supposed to be leaving yet," a familiar voice said. We all turned around from lying Duo down on the blankets to look at Sally Po. She smiled. "I was called in as soon as you guys were. Took me a while to get here. Is he alright?"   
  
"He's better," I replied. "Just needs time."   
  
"You're all supposed to stay for psych evaluations."   
  
"We don't need our heads examined. We just need to help Duo."   
  
"Heero, I appreciate that you guys are very... protective, but we have doctors here who know what he's going through possibly better than you do."   
  
I just snapped. "Really? Have they killed over a hundred civilians, including little children, to make sure OZ didn't track one guy? Have they had ice consume their heart? Have they been coated in blood, so fresh it was still warm? Have they gone through thirty bullets in a handful of minutes, and not waste one shot? They have no fucking idea what Duo is going through. But we do. We can help him. We are the only ones who can bring him back from the dark place he's in."   
  
Sally hesitated for a moment, but then sighed. "Alright. I'll trust you with him. But call me, if you need help?"   
  
"Sure. Quatre, get us out of here."   
  
"Right." Quatre, Trowa and Wufei jumped out of the van and shut the doors. A moment later, Quatre was behind the wheel and starting the engine. Duo murmured something, hands reaching for me, and I laid down beside him, letting him spoon against the side of my body, head resting on my shoulder.   
  
"... loves me..." he murmured, almost inaudibly, and I smiled, brushing his bangs out of his closed eyes and gently kissing his forehead.  
  
"Yes, Duo," I whispered back, "I love you." Duo made a little 'mmm' sound, snuggling closer, and I smiled again. In that one instant, I forget all about the war, all about the pain and suffering and death that was my life, our lives. There was just me and Duo. I'd never felt so... peaceful.  
  
Duo was still asleep when we stopped the van outside the forest. I carried Duo, and my bags. Wufei carried Duo's bags. Trowa carried Quatre's bags. Quatre drove the van back into the town.   
  
The safe house was just as we'd left it, down to the half-filled coffee cup sitting on the coffee table in the living room. I laid Duo gently on the sofa, brushing his cheek with my fingertips, and quickly secured the house, checking closets and under beds, until I was certain that the house was empty.   
  
Trowa had already put the kettle on. I think we all needed something strong inside us at that time, and since Duo had yet to smuggle us some more alcohol-Quatre doesn't like us drinking, so we have to hide it from him-coffee, was all we were going to get. Wufei sighed, falling into one of the armchairs and looking at Duo, with something odd in his eyes, something that I couldn't decipher.   
  
"I never realized before," he said quietly, "How much he hides. I saw the grins and the jokes and didn't look any further, didn't even realize it was a mask, let alone try and break it. He carries so much inside, yet doesn't show it. He jokes and he laughs, because he knows that... we need it. We need him to be the clown, to get us through this war. He knew it and he accepted it. And I didn't question it. I was a fool."   
  
"Duo didn't want us to see past the mask," I assured him softly, leaning against the wall with my arms folded across my chest. "He didn't want anyone to know... how much he hurts. Don't blame yourself. None of us noticed."   
  
"We should've. All those times, he's gone on... horrific missions, and come back grinning, I just called him a baka and dismissed him. I didn't see... the pain in his eyes, the loneliness. I can see it now, though, in my memories. And I curse myself for not seeing it before."   
  
"He didn't let us to see. Duo is a master at running and hiding, so good that he was doing it, and no one knew. We see only what he lets us see. And unfortunately, that's not much."  
  
Wufei growled in frustration, scrubbing at his face with his hands. "I feel so fucking helpless," he nearly shouted.  
  
I laughed bitterly, and he looked at me. I watched the thoughts fly across his face and then he grimaced.  
  
"Sorry. You must feel worse than I do."  
  
"Hai. But I think he's getting better. I think.... Oh, hell, Chang, I'm not sure. Duo's always been such a mystery to me, and... I just have no idea what to do. Quatre knows him better than I do."   
  
"You're wrong," Trowa said quietly, walking in with a small tray and handing us both a coffee, sitting down in the other armchair and sipping his own drink. "Quatre knows his emotions, but he doesn't know Duo. He doesn't know what to do. You do."  
  
"No I don't! That's the fucking problem!"  
  
"Heero, just think about it. What do you want to do, right now?"  
  
I answered without thinking, "Hold him." I blushed and looked away from his soft, knowing smile.  
  
"Your first instinct is to hold him, and it's right. The only thing that's kept Duo sane these past two days, is you holding him. You are exactly what he needs."   
  
"I am?"   
  
"Yes. I don't know if he needs your strength, or your love, or both, or if he loves you as much as you love him, but he needs you."   
  
I glanced at Duo, and caught him frowning slightly, hands flexing. It didn't take any thought. I went to him. It took some manoeuvring, but I managed to get behind him, and he smiled, curling against me.  
  
"See?" Trowa said quietly. "You're exactly what he needs."   
  
"Medicine for his soul," Wufei murmured. "I have checks to run on Nataku." Then he got up and left. I looked at Trowa.   
  
"Do you love Quatre?" I asked bluntly, and he blinked at me. Then he smiled.  
  
"Yeah, I guess I do."   
  
"Loving someone is dangerous, especially for us. We can't let emotions get in the way of missions."   
  
"They don't. When we go on missions, we're Gundam pilots. But off-duty, we're just boys. Boys who live very weird lives, granted, but still boys. I won't jeopardize a mission for Quatre and he won't for me. But being in love, it's also good. Because we know what we're fighting for, what we're trying to protect. If we completely cut ourselves off from everyone and everything, how do we know what we're trying to save? Loving Quatre means that I have a reason to fight. I'm going to fight to protect him, to make he sure he survives, and to make sure that sometime in the future, we can have a normal life together. I don't care about anything else. I'm fighting for Quatre." He stood up and walked upstairs, leaving me alone with my thoughts.  
  
Trowa was fighting for Quatre, Quatre was fighting for peace, Wufei was fighting for justice, Duo was fighting for revenge... but what was I fighting for? I was fighting for Duo. I was fighting to make sure he didn't have any more nightmares, no blood on his hands, no more... icy darkness. The Colonies didn't matter anymore, not to me. I was fighting for Duo. 


	7. Chapter Seven

Notes: A short chapter, I know, but Duo's awake and kissing Heero, so I'm certainly not complaining, and I told you the lengths would vary. Enjoy and review!  
  
It was early evening when Duo finally woke up. He blinked blearily and then looked up at me. He actually managed a weak smile.  
  
"How are you feeling?" I asked softly, and he frowned.  
  
"Um... shitty. But better." His stomach growled loudly and he grimaced. "Ooh, and hungry."   
  
"Expected. I'll go get you something to eat."   
  
"Potato chips?"   
  
I smiled at his hopeful expression. "Sure." I kissed the top of his head before carefully disentangling myself. He chewed his bottom lip as he watched me walk away, hands curled into tight fists, and I realised that this was the first time he'd been conscious and I hadn't been touching him. I gave him a smile and then disappeared into the kitchen. All he'd had in the past two days was soup, and I wanted something solid in him, so while potato chips weren't exactly nutritional, I got them for him. Okay, so it was also because I found it so hard to refuse him anything, but shut up.  
  
When I walked back into the living room with the potato chips, Duo's gaze travelled down my body and he flinched violently. I frowned and glanced down, realizing that he was looking at my gun in its hip holster. It hit me then, for the first time, that Duo hadn't been wearing any weapons when he'd come back from his mission. He'd gone unarmed, something he never did. Because weapons were things of death; of pain. Dammit.   
  
Holding the potato chips in one hand, I pulled off my holster, gun still in it, and put it under the armchair.  
  
"Better?" I asked softly, and he nodded, looking vaguely... ashamed. I handed him the potato chips and sat down next to him. We shuffled around a bit until I was sitting down at one end of the sofa, and he was curling up beside me, with my arms wrapped around him. "It's alright, Duo. I don't expect you to be fine after what you went through. But you're not catatonic, and you've got an appetite, and you're thinking semi-rationally. It's all good."   
  
A fine tremor ran through his body, and he gave one of those little hiccupping sobs. "I feel so fucking weak," he said, his voice shaking slightly.   
  
"You're not. You're the strongest person I know. Don't be ashamed of the fact that you're having a hard time dealing with..." I didn't want to say, What you did; it sounded too judgemental, so I changed it to, "Your last mission. It shows that you can still feel, that your heart is doing more than pumping blood through your body. I'd be more surprised, more worried, if you were perfectly alright."   
  
"I just.... You're so strong, Heero. You don't let anything get to you."   
  
"Oh, things get to me. Do you remember New Edwards?"   
  
"Oh, God, how could I forget?"   
  
"Well, afterwards, when I was healthy again after self-detonating, I went around to all Field Marshal Noventa's relatives, asking their judgement, offering my life. I was so haunted by what I did, I could barely breathe. It was eating me up inside."   
  
Duo twisted his head around to look up at me. "I-It was?"   
  
"Hai."   
  
"I... I didn't know."   
  
"No one did. Except Trowa. He helped me. I was... still not a hundred per cent."  
  
Duo frowned, absently eating a few potato chips. "I didn't think all this shit got to you."   
  
"It doesn't often, but every now and then... yeah, it gets to me."   
  
"How... how do you cope?"   
  
"I write the most detailed mission reports known to man," I said with a dry chuckle, and then hesitated. "And... I also... visit nightclubs."  
  
Duo blinked and stared at me. "Uh, what?"   
  
"I go to nightclubs, sometimes. To... observe people. To see... what normal people do. I don't know why, but... it helps."   
  
"I never woulda guessed that the Perfect Soldier went to nightclubs to relax. Isn't that like, an unnecessary security risk?"   
  
"But it is necessary. Because if I didn't go, I'd burn out, and I'm still needed."   
  
"Hm."   
  
"Do you want to come with me?"   
  
"I don't... I don't think... all those people... I can't."   
  
I tightened my arms around him. "It's alright."   
  
"Gods, I feel so fucking weak!"   
  
"You're not," I assured him, gently but firmly. "Even I couldn't have done what you did without feeling it."   
  
"I just feel so.... Gods, Heero, I am so fucked up. I can't even stand to see you with a gun. I can't... I'm a Gundam pilot, and I can't even look at a weapon without... Shit!"   
  
"Duo, I understand. It's alright. No one is expecting you to be alright right away. You're off active duty, until I say otherwise, so we have time. You can take as much time as you need to get better. Alright?"  
  
"But you don't," he said quietly. "You're still on active duty. You still have to go on missions. I don't... I don't think I could survive if... you went away."   
  
I didn't know if he was talking about going away temporarily on a mission, or going away in the more permanent, dead sense. Possibly both.   
  
"I'm not going anywhere," I assured him. "I am not leaving you for one single second unless it's absolutely necessary. The war will just have to wait."   
  
"Nothing waits, Heero. The world keeps turning, keeps going on, no matter how much pain one person is in, or how much they want it to stop. I learned that very early on."   
  
It was a reference to his past, on the streets of L2. I'd never heard much about his past; no one had. I wanted to know more, but knew that I probably wouldn't. It would be painful for him to tell it, and probably painful for me to hear it.   
  
"I'm okay with that," he continued quietly. "I understand, I've accepted, but... it's inconvenient. Because, and it makes me feel seriously fucking weak saying this, I don't think I could survive you having to leave me. I just don't. You're all that's holding me together right now. And if you leave me..."   
  
"I'll never leave you. I promise."   
  
"You can't promise that."   
  
"Can't I?"   
  
"No, you can't, and you know you can't. So make a different promise."   
  
"Anything."   
  
"Promise that you'll try your hardest not to leave me."   
  
"I promise. But you have to promise the same thing."   
  
"What do you mean?" He frowned and looked up at me.  
  
I struggled to put it into words. "You're not Duo anymore. You're drifting away from me, into someplace dark, someplace that I don't want you to go. Don't go. Promise me that you'll fight it, fight yourself, fight to stay with me. Because I don't think I can live without you either."   
  
Duo just looked at me for a few moments, and I watched thoughts, emotions, fly across his face, too fast for me to see. Then he smiled, not one of his patented idiotic grins, just a soft, warm smile, that made his violet eyes light up, all the pain and horror disappearing like a bad dream.  
  
"I promise," he murmured softly. He leaned forward and brushed my lips lightly with his. My breath caught in my throat.   
  
"Duo..." I murmured, trying to speak around the lump in my throat.   
  
"Heero, just kiss me. Please."   
  
There was such raw need in his eyes, so raw he was almost in tears, that my voice left me completely. I bowed my head, closed my eyes, and the next thing I know... I'm kissing him. His lips are so unbelievably soft against mine. Those so-soft lips part and my tongue slips into his mouth, dancing with his, exploring his mouth slowly. The kiss was soft, tender, loving, slow, gentle, everything that we don't have in our lives. Our lives were hard and fast and bloody and painful, but this... this was just... I can't explain it, but.... Oh, Gods, his lips are so soft.   
  
We draw away reluctantly and breathless and just look at each other. I'm not sure what's showing in my eyes, but Duo's are filled with... would I be too hopeful to say love?   
  
"I love you, Heero Yuy," he murmured, resting his head on my chest again. Nope, not too hopeful. 


	8. CHapter Eight

Notes: None really, but you get a nice little bit with Wufei where he isn't an uptight git, and Duo tells Heero a little story that really shows why this mission hurt so much (apart from the mass murder). Enjoy and review!   
  
Wufei was the first one to see Duo awake. He'd been outside doing his katas, and came in slightly breathless. He stopped at the doorway and blinked at Duo, who clutched at me a little tighter. I understood why. Wufei had always been so stern and derisive towards him, and now he was afraid of what the Chinese pilot would say about the past two days.   
  
Wufei smiled. "It's good to see you awake, Duo."   
  
"Um.... Thanks. Sorry about... being a pain... Heero told me... about you guys... all going to that base with me... protecting me."   
  
"It was my duty, and more than that, my pleasure. You're a strong, bright spirit, Duo Maxwell, and I won't let anyone, even yourself, hurt that. If you want to thank me, just get better." He walked towards the kitchen and stopped in the archway. "Oh, and no practical jokes for a while would be nice," he added over his shoulder.  
  
Duo chuckled and I felt some of the tension ease out of his body. He fell into silence, something that lately, wasn't that unusual for him. That worried me. Duo hated silence. He'd once said that it was so he didn't have to think, that he needed the distraction, the noise, either his own talking or music or something. I didn't like that he was so silent.   
  
"What happens if I don't get better?" he asked quietly after a while.  
  
"What do you mean?"   
  
"Well, I'm a Gundam pilot, and the war needs me, but... what if I don't get better? What if I can never hold a weapon or pilot Deathscythe? What if I stay... broken?"   
  
"You aren't broken, Duo. You're just troubled."   
  
"Troubled?" Duo repeated with a bitter, choking laugh. "I'm Shini... I'm Shiniga... and I can't even say my name or look at a gun. I'm fucking fucked up, Heero!"   
  
"Maxwell, you are not Shinigami," Wufei said from the archway, ignoring the way Duo flinched at the mention of Shinigami. "You are having trouble with the fact that one hundred and fifty civilians were killed, by your hand. Shinigami might be able to live with that, but you aren't him. You are Duo Maxwell, my friend, the warmest person I have ever met, and he cannot just casually kill a hundred and fifty people. Give yourself a break."   
  
Duo was silent for a moment, just watching him, and then he smiled. "Thanks, Wufei."   
  
"No problem. I'm going to go shower." He nodded at us and walked upstairs.   
  
"Never woulda guessed that he counted me as a friend," Duo murmured.   
  
"He does. He was very worried about you. We all were." I hesitated, and then asked, "What do you remember? Of the past two days?"   
  
"Not much. It was... dark... cold... but... there was someone... holding me... keeping me safe... You?"   
  
"Me."   
  
"Mmm."   
  
Quatre and Trowa had been out in the makeshift hanger, working on their Gundams, and they came in an hour after full dark. Duo and I hadn't moved much from the sofa. I'd gotten up once to get us some coffee and toast-dry, because Duo's stomach couldn't handle anything else. The first thing Quatre did when he saw Duo awake and reasonably sane was smile, one of those huge Quatre Winner smiles that must hurt his face and just make it impossible not to smile back. Then he hugged Duo, hugging me at the same time, and just this once, I let him.   
  
"I'm so glad you're awake, Duo," he said enthusiastically, drawing away.   
  
"Thanks, Quat."   
  
"Are you... alright?"   
  
"Um... I'm better than I was, but I think alright is a bit of a stretch."  
  
"We're all here, if you need anything. Alright?"   
  
"Yeah. Thanks. I, uh, I'm doing better. I just...."   
  
A series of beeps interrupted him and I recognised the pattern as my laptop. I cursed and reached over to grab the right bag, pulling out my laptop. With my arms still around Duo, I typed in the passwords and opened up the message, fully intending to send back 'mission refused', something I've never done before. But I didn't have to. I just blinked and stared at the message. I heard Duo gasp as he read the message.  
  
"What is it?" Quatre asked, frowning.   
  
"Um, we've been given two weeks' vacation," I muttered.   
  
"What?"   
  
"Recommended by Dr. Sally Po, all five Gundam pilots are to report to a safe house, put under the care of Marianne Green, for some R&R. Dr. Po suggested that we needed the time or we'd burn out, especially Pilot 02. Suggestion approved. We report tomorrow morning. It's a... two hour drive, so we leave... seven o'clock."   
  
"Who's Marianne Green?" Trowa asked in a quiet murmur.   
  
"Doesn't say. Two seconds." I entered the name into my search engines and ran it through the databases. "Ah, alright, here we go. Marianne Green, Major, twenty-three, blonde, grey eyes, quite pretty, not much combat experience, field medic. She's legit. Wait, part of this file's missing." I frowned and searched for the rest of the file. I sighed when I found it. "She's not a field medic-she's a psychiatrist."   
  
"They've got to be kidding," Duo muttered, looking at the picture of Marianne, who was smiling softly at the camera. "She doesn't look like a shrink or a resistance soldier. Do we really have to report to her, Heero?"   
  
"Yep."   
  
"We didn't obey our last orders to see a shrink," Wufei said from where he was curled up in the armchair.   
  
"I know, but... I think we should go. I mean, when was the last time we went two weeks without a mission? Duo needs the time and relaxation, and truth be told, I think we all do. Quatre fractured his wrist during his last mission because he wasn't concentrating properly."   
  
Quatre blushed and rubbed his wrist, still wrapped up in support bandages. He'd received a stern lecture from both Trowa and myself because of that screw-up. He'd returned bruised badly, with over two dozen small cuts on his body, and the fractured wrist.   
  
"It would be nice to have a little break," Trowa agreed. "We're all very tense. I can't remember the last time I relaxed completely. I say we go."   
  
"I don't like shrinks," Duo grumbled, snuggling closer to me.   
  
"You don't have to talk to her if you don't want to, Duo," I assured him. "But some time away from the war is a good idea. And this Marianne actually sounds pretty nice. Good things in her file. Just go with us, check it out, and if you really don't like it, we can leave."   
  
"Promise?"   
  
"Promise."   
  
The house was a nice Victorian-style one with working shutters, a porch big enough for all us pilots to sit on, and colourful flowerbeds. There was a woman standing on the porch, smiling, and I recognised her as Marianne. She was small, just over five-foot, with honey-blonde hair falling over her shoulders in a wavy mass, and sparkling pale grey eyes. She was wearing grey trousers and a pale lavender blouse with no shoes. I frowned at her as we climbed out of the van we'd borrowed. Duo gripped my hand, eyeing her nervously.   
  
"Alright, boys, let's get inside," she said, ushering us into the house and closing the door behind us. "Now, my name is Marianne, and I know all your names. Bedrooms are upstairs, there's a bathroom upstairs, and a bathroom downstairs, I expect you to wash before lunch and dinner, which are at noon and six every day; I want you all to carry your weight around here, helping me with the cooking and cleaning, and coming with me to do the grocery shopping; my bedroom's the first one the left, and there are three others. Quatre and Trowa, you two can share, Wufei and Duo-"   
  
"Uh, Marianne, I would prefer to have my own bedroom," Wufei interrupted smoothly. "And Duo is rather... dependent on Heero at the moment. I'm sure Dr. Po mentioned that."   
  
Marianne looked at him for a moment and then nodded, still smiling. "Alright. You can have your own room, and Duo and Heero can share. Now, why don't you all go and pick your rooms and get unpacked. I trust you've all had breakfast?"   
  
Quatre hesitated. "Well... not really. We were kind of, um... busy this morning, so we didn't get time."   
  
What he didn't say was that Duo had had a 'fit' where he obviously wasn't in reality, and it had taken us, me, an hour to calm him down. By that time we had to borrow a van and get moving or be late, so breakfast had just not happened.  
  
Marianne's smile vanished and she pursed her lips. "Hm. Alright. I'll make you all some breakfast, and then we can all get settled in. Oh, Quatre, I'd like to talk to you in the kitchen for a minute, alright? Trowa, could you take his bags up to your room?"   
  
"Sure." Trowa took Quatre's bags from the blonde's hands and walked upstairs. Wufei, Duo and I followed.  
  
Duo and I ended up with a nice room done in pale yellow. The furniture was all light honey-oak, and there were nice sheets and blankets on the beds instead of quilts, it being too hot for actual quilts. Duo left his bags by his bed, and wandered over to the large window, flopping down on the window seat and looking out at the small lake, and beyond that, a forest.   
  
He opened his mouth to say something, but then closed it silently. I hesitated, unsure of what to do.   
  
"I met a little girl," he said suddenly, voice quiet. "Her name was Emily. Brown hair, blue eyes, really sweet smile. She, um, couldn't find her parents. Really scared. She held my hand, let me take her down to the front desk. Said thanks. And, uh, that evening, someone knocked on my door, and it was her. She'd... bought me a teddy bear, as a thank you gift. Said that when she grew up, she was going to have long hair like me. Only she never got the chance to grow up, did she? I killed her." He knelt down on the floor and rummaged around in one of his bags, pulling out a small brown teddy bear with a purple ribbon around its neck. "Ain't it sweet?" he asked, tugging at the ribbon. "She'd, um, added the ribbon because it matched my eyes. I've never had a teddy bear before."   
  
"I'm sorry, Duo," I said, and the words were so completely inadequate.   
  
"Thing is, she's not the first Emily I've known. There was a girl called Emily in my old family, my gang, with Solo. She was, um, about six. She had black hair, dark, dark brown eyes, and had this... necklace that she'd found in the garbage one day. It was one of those things you get in cereal boxes, black cord, with a little pink plastic angel on it. She loved it, wore it all the time. She died. Plague. Like Solo died. I tried. I got us the vaccine, but... four of us died, Solo, Emily, and Jon. And Kid. Kid died, when Solo died. And Duo was born."   
  
I'd always wondered how and why he chose the name Duo. I hadn't really expected to find out like this.   
  
"I held Solo in my arms, and he said, we'll always be together, always be two, so Kid died, and Duo was born." Duo reached into his bag and pulled out a piece of black cord, on which dangled a pink plastic angel. He put the necklace around the teddy's neck and looked at it. "Both Emilys are dead," he murmured. "And I killed them both."   
  
"No, no you didn't. Emily died of the plague. You tried to get her the vaccine in time. It's not your fault. You saved the others."   
  
"Yeah. Kai, Lissie, Cassie, Pete, Michael, Sara, Thistle, Val, Raven."   
  
"What happened to them?"   
  
"Um, they got adopted. Father Maxwell and Sister Helen found us. Got them set up in semi-decent houses. They tried to get me a home, but I kept getting in trouble, so they adopted me themselves. I keep tabs on everyone. I checked a month ago, and only Michael, Raven, and Lissie are alive. I have to check again. A lot can happen in a month. Everyone's dead, Heero. Why? If I survived, why didn't they? Why did they have to die?" He looked up at me, tears burning in his pain-filled eyes.   
  
"I don't know," I murmured, mentally kicking myself. "I wish I had the answers for you, but I don't. I don't know why they died, or why you survived. I'm sorry."   
  
"I beginning to forget, Heero," he whispered. "I'm beginning to forget what they looked like. And, if I forget, then who's left to remember them? If I forget, then they're really dead."   
  
Someone knocked on the door, and Duo quickly ducked his head. Wufei stuck his head into the room.  
  
"Breakfast is ready."   
  
"I'm not hungry," Duo mumbled, hugging the teddy bear to his chest and leaning against his bed, effectively hidden from Wufei.  
  
"You sure?" I asked. He nodded. "Alright. I'll be back in a few minutes, unless you want me to stay?" He shook his head. I sighed and left.   
  
"Something happened?" Wufei asked quietly as we walked downstairs.  
  
"Nothing too major." Then I had an idea. "Wufei, you're an artist, aren't you?"   
  
"In my spare time, yes. Why?"   
  
"I need you to do me, and Duo, a favour. He might not go for it, but I think he will. See, he's starting to forget what his gang used to look like, and he doesn't want to forget. I want you to start carrying around your sketchpad, whenever he's in the same room. I'll casually ask if he wants to ask if you could draw him some pictures. I think it'll help."   
  
Wufei nodded. "I would be honoured." He paused thoughtfully. "He really cared for them, didn't he?"   
  
I thought about that for a second and then said simply, "They were his family." 


	9. Chapter Nine

None: Really short, but it's mostly Duo talking about his past, so that's okay. Enjoy and review!  
  
Wufei did start carrying around his sketchpad, drawing little people and objects. I waited until that evening before talking to Duo about it. We were curled up on my bed, with him lying on top of me, the light off and curtains drawn, throwing the room into a twilight darkness.  
  
"Duo," I said tentatively, and he rolled his eyes up to look at me. "Wufei is a good artist, and... well, if you asked him, I don't think he'd mind drawing you some pictures. Of your gang. Maybe it'd help you remember, help keep them alive."   
  
Duo lowered his eyes and didn't say anything for a long time. I let the silence grow, completely patient where he was concerned, and willing to accept any answer. He stayed silent for a long time, and when he did talk, his voice was quiet.  
  
"I don't... I don't like to ask favours, it means that I'm indebted to someone, and that's not a good thing."  
  
I understood that it was a reference to his harsh past, and didn't push it. "He wouldn't mind. He's your friend, and he doesn't like seeing you hurt. If this helps, I think he'd do it willingly."   
  
"I don't.... no. I can't. It's too..."  
  
"It's alright. It was just a suggestion."   
  
He nodded and let the silence grow again. My hand was rubbing his back lazily, and I honestly don't remember consciously deciding to do so, it was just one of those things that my body did without me. He liked it, though. During the past two days since he had woken up, I had discovered that he liked these idle touches, as if it reassured him of something, maybe that I was there, that I did love him.   
  
"Marianne seems nice," he said after a while, and I hummed my agreement. "She seems... she reminds me of Sister Helen." I didn't speak. I was afraid to, afraid that it might break this spell and he wouldn't talk. "They don't look much alike, Sister Helen was taller and her eyes were brown, I think her hair was too, but when I saw it, it was covered with soot and dirt and.... But it's in their personalities, in their smiles. Sister Helen would look at me and smile, as if there was nothing wrong with the world, and I knew that if I ever needed it, she would be there to give me a hug and tell me a story. She would protect me. It wasn't the same sort of protection that Solo offered, of course. He'd beat the shit out of anyone who dared mess with us, and Sister Helen would never think of fighting, but... she'd protect me in other ways. She'd take me away from my life to a world of fairies and princesses and bright little poppies. That was her favourite flower, ya know, poppies. Her sister sent her some, pressed and dried, every year for her birthday, and she gave me one once. I remember feeling so special, that she had given me something that meant so much to her.   
  
"When the attack came, when the Church was destroyed, she was the hardest loss to bear. I searched for her first, and I found her. She had... a wooden beam on her chest, and her legs were buried in rubble. Her wimple was gone, and her hair was half-burned and covered in soot and dirt and blood. She looked at me and smiled, just like every other smile. I knelt down and brushed her cheek, trying to get rid of all the grime, but couldn't. She, she didn't have long left. She blessed me and gave me her cross. And her last words... I'll always remember her last words. 'You're a bright little child, my Duo. You're special. And I will always love you. No matter where I go, I will always love you.'   
  
"I sat and cried for ages, I don't know how long. I couldn't understand it, didn't want to. I'd found a home, found parents, I didn't want all that to be gone. It wasn't fair. After a while I got up, left, I didn't look back. I spent maybe a month hiding on the streets, just trying to survive, trying to cope with what had happened. And then I stole away on a ship. I needed to get away, needed to escape. I was found, and I remember... I didn't feel scared. Because the worse they could do was kill me and... I didn't care. They took me to this funky old guy, and we talked for a while, and he asked me... 'Do you want to get back at those bastards who hurt you, boy? Do you want to make them suffer like you did? Do you want them to hurt?'   
  
"And suddenly I did care, because I wanted that so much. I would do anything for it. And he gave it to me. He put me through some of the worse pain I could ever imagine, always urging me on with the promise of revenge, smiling whenever I went past his expectations, whenever I did something extra that he didn't tell me to do, whenever I began to become a pilot and do things on my own and have them work out. Then he sent me to Earth, and my revenge began.  
  
"My first mission was an assassination, sort of a letdown, that I couldn't use 'Scythe. Some high-ranking OZ bastard who was a serious threat. I made contacts on the streets and got a sniper rifle with a lasersight and nightscope. Researched the guy, found out everything about him. Picked a time, picked a place, and waited. I waited for thirteen hours until he entered the movie theatre with his lady friend. I waited until the movie ended, stilled my breathing, calmed my heartbeat, sighted on his head and waited just a moment more for the shot to be perfect. Then I squeezed the trigger, and he jerked, sort of surprised. A hole appeared in the middle of his forehead, and he went down to his knees. He looked so surprised and confused. I got away immediately, before anyone could bring the authorities in, taking the rifle with me. I went back to Deathscythe and wrote my first ever mission report. And at the end I wrote, 'Revenge is good. I want more'. So I got more. I took every mission I was sent and killed every OZ creep I came across, spilling their blood for Father Maxwell and Sister Helen and everyone else at Maxwell Church. It felt so good, at the beginning.  
  
"Until I killed my first innocent. I had hidden Deathscythe in an abandoned warehouse outside a town, fair secure. I had some repairs to do and was distracted. I didn't hear the kid come in until he said, 'Woah'. I turned and had a gun pointed at him before I even knew what was going on. I didn't see him as a child, an innocent, I saw a threat, a danger. 'Don't let anyone see the Gundam, boy, they can't ever see it and live. Ya gotta kill everyone who sees Deathscythe, or you'll be in danger. Got it, boy? Kill everyone who sees your Gundam'. I killed the boy and buried the body, and only then thought, 'Shit. I just killed a little boy.'   
  
"After that, revenge didn't sound as good as it had. I killed more innocents, everyone who saw my Gundam, and those that were just in the wrong place at the wrong time. I remembered every one, remembered that had they not met me, they would be living. But they had met me, and they'd fallen to Shinigami. Little kids, Heero. Little kids should not know about Shinigami."   
  
"Once we win, they won't. That's what we're trying to create, Duo. It's hard, but we will win."   
  
"I know we'll win, but will we survive? Physically, yeah, maybe, but mentally? I'm broken, Heero, very seriously. The thought of holding a gun... killing... I just want it to be over."   
  
What could I say? Some overused cliché that was a blatant lie? The harsh truth? A mixture of both? I was floundering helplessly in a sea of confusion. I just didn't know what to do.   
  
"I'm tired now. Gonna sleep. G'night."  
  
"Goodnight, Duo." I kissed the top of the head and waited forty-seven seconds for him to fall asleep.   
  
My thoughts were chasing each other around in circles like little rabid bunnies. I'd actually heard quite a bit about Duo's past, filled with such pain and sadness that it made my heartache, and he'd told me for no special reason at no special time, all because Marianne reminded him of Sister Helen. Why? Why tell me at all?  
  
Someone knocked quietly on the door and Quatre stuck his head in. "Hi, I was just wondering if you needed anything," he whispered, and then seemed to notice just what position Duo and I were in. He tried, I could see that, but he couldn't help that damned idiotic smile from creeping onto his face, the one that says he thinks we're just 'too cute for words'.   
  
I scowled at him to let him know what would happen if he voiced that opinion before saying, "No, thanks, we're fine."   
  
Hesitating a moment, Quatre slipped into the room and moved around to look at Duo's face, frowning slightly.  
  
"What?" I asked.  
  
"I was feeling... some dark things a moment ago... but now I sense a sort of... peace? Like, something has been lifted from his shoulders or something. What happened?"  
  
"He...." I didn't want to tell Quatre what Duo had told me, it was too personal, too private, but he had a right to know something, so I eventually said, "He told me some things about his past that I guess he needed to say." I frowned slightly, because Duo was lying completely still, and even though our voices were as soft as possible, he should've woken up when we began speaking. Hell, he should've woken up when the door opened.  
  
Quatre slowly reached out and brushed his fingertips against Duo's forehead, eyes closed. Then he smiled and withdrew his hand.   
  
"He feels safe," he whispered. "He feels safe and warm, and... he trusts you. He trusts you to wake him up for danger. Only you saying the D-word will get him to wake up."   
  
"He... he really trusts me that much?"  
  
"He really does. Get some sleep, Heero. You're exhausted." He smiled again and left.   
  
Closing my eyes, I tightened my grip around Duo's body, and let the soft sound of his breathing lull me to sleep. 


	10. Chapter Ten

Notes: Enter the cat! All the Japanese words used in this chapter are correct to my knowledge, using freedirect.com, so if they are wrong, don't yell at me. Enjoy and review!  
  
Duo slept until ten o'clock, and even then it was only because I woke him. I was loathe to do so, but knew that we couldn't just spend the day in bed. It took him a few minutes to wake up, and when he finally did, he looked at me with the sweetest, sleepy little smile.   
  
"Thanks for listening," he whispered, and placed a soft kiss on my lips, before getting up and getting changed. He dressed in some loose black jeans and a black tee shirt.   
  
I saw him reach for his other bag, the one where he kept the majority of his weapons, and then stopped, hand hovering in mid-air. I held my breath, waiting to see what he would do. The moment seemed to last forever, before he slowly withdrew his hand and left his weapons where they were. He sighed, and his head fell forward, shoulders slumping.   
  
Silently, I slid out of the bed and knelt down behind him, embracing him gently. "It's alright, Duo," I whispered.   
  
He clung to me like he had been doing so much lately and I felt a tremor run through his body. "I'm sorry, Heero."  
  
"There's nothing to be sorry for, Duo. You've done nothing wrong."   
  
"Why can't I do this, Heero? Why can't I be strong?"  
  
"You are strong, love. You're the strongest person I know. All this doesn't make you weak."  
  
"It... it doesn't?" I could hear the uncertainty in his voice, hear the desperate need for my respect. Didn't he know that he'd had it since the moment he first shot me?   
  
"No, it doesn't." At a slightly lame attempt at humour I added, "Wufei would be the first to tell you if you were being weak."  
  
Lame attempt or not, I got a laugh, and I felt him relax. "Thank you, Heero."   
  
"You're welcome, love." Kissing the back of his neck, I stood up and quickly dressed in some jeans and a tank top, and then hesitated. Duo didn't like me being armed, but I didn't like being unarmed. What was more important to me: Duo or being armed? The answer was obvious, and I walked downstairs with Duo.   
  
We found everyone in the kitchen. Trowa was washing the dishes, Quatre was drying, and Wufei was helping fold the laundry with Marianne. Marianne looked at us and smiled.  
  
"Well, you two seem a lot better than yesterday. I'm afraid we've already had breakfast, but you're free to make yourself some cereal or something."  
  
"Uh, I'd rather just have a coffee," Duo muttered, and I frowned at him.  
  
"Duo, you need more than that. How about some toast?"  
  
"Yeuch."  
  
"Oatmeal?"  
  
"Yeuch."  
  
"Fry-up?"  
  
"Yeuch."  
  
"Duo, you say yeuch one more time and I'm gonna get pissed. You have to eat something. Now what would you like?"  
  
He frowned and then sighed. "Apple?"  
  
"And something else."  
  
"Potato chips?"  
  
"Duo."   
  
He sighed again and was silent a moment before saying, "Piece of toast, dry."  
  
"Thank you." I rewarded him with a quick kiss, and then moved to the breadbox. I got out three pieces of bread and put them in the toaster, before turning to find that someone had already made a pot of coffee. Getting two cups out of the cupboard, I made two black coffees, handing one to Duo before sipping my own. It was nice and strong, and I welcomed the slight caffeine buzz. While my genetic enhancements make it virtually impossible for me to get drunk-it would require pretty much every drop of alcohol in any given pub-it doesn't mean that I can't get a nice caffeine buzz from coffee or Coke. While I sipped my coffee and waited for the toast to cook, I thought.  
  
Duo hadn't eaten a whole lot since he 'woke up'. I mean, a bag of potato chips, some toast, and a couple of apples, and I was really worried about his lack of appetite. He hadn't eaten much when he was catatonic, and while he was used to hunger and could ignore it if he had to, he preferred to eat when he could. He'd always been small, but it used to be wiry muscles, and now he was just getting... thin.   
  
"Heero, the cup," Quatre said quietly, and I blinked at him to find everyone watching me curiously. I glanced down to find that my grip on my coffee cup was tight enough to break it if I wasn't careful. Letting out a breath, I relaxed my fingers and forced my thoughts away from Duo's health. Well, at least enough to not accidentally shatter my cup.  
  
"So, what's everyone doing today?" Duo asked, and I was oddly pleased to see him speaking without it being necessary, maybe because of his awful silence the past couple of days.  
  
"I'm going shopping with Marianne, and Wufei and Trowa have some chores to do, other than that, we can do what we like," Quatre asked, putting a plate in the cupboard.  
  
"This is meant to be a nice little holiday for you boys, so I won't have you on a strict work schedule or anything," Marianne said, smiling. "I expect you to do your chores and such, but other than that, you can do what you want."   
  
"Hm, been a while since we relaxed," Duo murmured, and again, I was pleased that he was speaking. "Our lives tend to be a bit... stressful."  
  
"Which is why you're getting a holiday. Don't worry, poppet, there isn't any stress in this house. If you want, you can go out and see if you can find my cat."  
  
"You have a cat?" There was a spark of interest in Duo's violet eyes, and I held my breath, hoping that it would stay.  
  
"Mm-hm, she doesn't have a name, but she hangs around here sometimes, and then she'll disappear into the woods for weeks before returning."   
  
Something besides interest seeped into Duo's eyes, something... sad. "Why doesn't she have a name?"  
  
"Well, I didn't know what to call her, and she doesn't belong to me, so...."   
  
"But... she should have a name. She shouldn't be nameless."  
  
"Well, why don't you name her then?" Marianne suggested gently, and Duo bit her lip.   
  
"I want to see her before I give her a name, make sure it fits."   
  
"If you go out and wander in the woods, she'll probably come to you, to find out who's invaded her territory."   
  
He nodded and stood up, looking at me. The need was plain to see, and I smiled at him, putting down my coffee and holding my hand out to him. He grabbed it tightly and smiled at me shakily, and that smile made me feel so good, just because he could smile again.   
  
"Let's go find us a nameless cat and name her, shall we?" I asked him, and he smiled again, a bit stronger this time.   
  
I saw Quatre smiling that beatific smile of his, and knew that I was not the only one pleased with Duo smiling. Curious, I glanced at the other two. Trowa, of course, was unreadable, but I detected a glimmer of joy in his green eyes, and Wufei didn't seem quite so... stern. He was almost smiling. Guess the whole family was happy.   
  
The woods behind Marianne's house weren't all that special, but then, we weren't really there to look at them, were we?   
  
Using our acute stealth and tracking instincts, we searched for the nameless cat, and it was a few minutes before Duo stopped. I looked at him curiously, to find him with an odd, kind of rueful expression on his face.  
  
"What?" I asked softly, and he smiled.  
  
"We're walking silently, and if we want to get this cat to come to us, we should be making noise, because unless she's really close, she won't be able to smell us."  
  
"Oh."   
  
"We're idiots." He smiled at me and then continued walking, swishing his feet to make noise. I copied, and we fell into silence again. He'd smiled three times, and spoken without being prompted, he was willing to eat.... He really was getting better. Oh, willing to eat. He never actually ate. I should take care of that when we got back to the house. He's not looking after himself properly at the moment so it's up to me, and I can't be forgetful important things like food.  
  
"Hey, Heero," Duo whispered after a while, stopping, and I frowned, stopping next to him.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Look over there."  
  
'Over there' was off to my right, behind a small tree, where I could see a pair of pale green eyes watching us curiously.   
  
Moving slowly, Duo moved around me to be nearer the cat and crouched down, extending one hand, relaxed and half-curled, so that he was more offering the cat his knuckles than his fingers. He began making those little clicking sounds people frequently make when calling cats, punctuating them with soft reassurances. I just stood there and let him, because me and animals... not good.   
  
After a moment, the cat slowly came out from behind the tree and I saw that it had short grey fur that looked very soft, large ears, and a long tail. It was quite a sophisticated looking cat, to my eye. It, sorry, she, sniffed Duo's fingers for a moment, before rubbing her cheek against them, purring softly.   
  
Laughing softly, Duo sat down on the ground and patted his leg. The cat walked onto his knees and settled down in his lap, closing her eyes and purring. Duo stroked her behind the ears, expression thoughtful.  
  
"She's a beautiful cat," he murmured after about a minute of silence. "Very... dignified. Sort of regal, like a queen. Hm, what name should we give you, huh, queenie?"   
  
"Maybe something along the lines of royalty," I suggested hesitantly, not wanting to say the wrong thing. This seemed very important to Duo, naming the cat, and I didn't want to ruin it. But he just smiled up at me, and I think he was glad that I'd suggested something.   
  
"That's a good idea. Hm, alright, well, the name should relate to your parents, too, in some way, or the one who names you, which is me. So, what do I like? I like... Japanese, and I like mythology, and I like the supernatural.... Hm. How can I relate that to royalty?"  
  
I frowned, thinking about that, and then said, "Maybe a queen from some myth?"   
  
"Yeah, but none of the queens I can think of that I like would suit her. Hmm. Okay, I wasn't given an actual name, I was given a word, and so were Raven and Thistle and some other kids. Um, what's queen in Japanese?"  
  
I had to think for a second before saying, "It depends on the context and stuff. There's joouheika, which means Her Majesty the Queen. Or simply the word queen can be kouhi, kisaki, kougou, ouhi, joou, kuxi-n or kui-n. Queen Mother is koutaigou." I thought about Duo saying he like mythology and the supernatural, trying to relate it to Japanese words, and remembered a long-forgotten word.  
  
"There's a word for the Queen of Heaven, which is Tenkou."  
  
"Tenkou, the Queen of Heaven. Hmm. Well, I like it. What about you? Do you like that name?" He bent his head to look at the cat, who blinked and looked at him, before flicking her ears and closing her eyes again. "I'll take that as assent. Nameless cat, I dub thee, Tenkou." He laughed suddenly, the kind of laugh I was used to hearing, full of delight and happiness, and it went straight to my heart.   
  
Carefully nudging the cat back onto the ground, he jumped up and hugged me, arms around my neck.  
  
"She's got a name, Heero," he said happily. "She isn't nameless. She's got a name."  
  
"She does have a name, and you have a cat-child."  
  
"I what?" he drew away to look at me, blinking in confusion, and I smiled.  
  
"Well, traditionally, parents name their children, and you just named the cat, so wouldn't that make you her parent?"  
  
He had to think about that for a moment before grinning. "Yep, and you have a cat-child, too, because you helped. Wow, we're kinda young to be parents."  
  
"We'll manage," I assured him, barely containing my laughter.   
  
"We sure will. We can do anything together." And suddenly, the mood turned to something more... serious. The laughter faded from his eyes and for a long time, we just stood there. I don't know what he was thinking or why he wasn't speaking, but I was afraid to speak, afraid of where we had gone.   
  
"We really can do anything together, Heero," he said quietly. "Even... make me better. Right?"   
  
There was something desperate in his eyes, a need to know that he wasn't beyond hope. My breath caught in my throat and I kissed his forehead.  
  
"Yes, Duo, we can make you better," I breathed, and suddenly found myself on my ass with Duo trying to squeeze the life out of me. I didn't know what he was thinking, what had made him so... fearful, but I didn't really need to know. All I needed to know was that he needed me and that I would always be there. So I just hugged him tight and hummed some nameless tune.  
  
After a few moments, his grip eased, and he drew away, sniffing and looking apologetic. I could see that he was on the verge of apologising for his actions, so I forestalled him by placing a finger on his lips.  
  
"I'm not upset or angry or ashamed or anything, Duo," I said softly. "If you need to hug or kiss or talk or throw a temper tantrum or anything, I will always be there for you, alright? You never have to apologise for you actions or your emotions or thoughts. Well, unless you actually are wrong, but you aren't."   
  
He just looked at me for a long time, I think searching for traces of insincerity, and I let him. Then he scrambled up and showed me his back.  
  
"We should... get back to the house. I didn't actually eat breakfast."  
  
"Alright." I stood up, brushing leaves off my jeans, and let him walk a pace ahead of me. Apparently, my reassurance helped, but didn't cure everything.   
  
Quatre and Marianne had apparently already left to do the shopping, Trowa was vacuuming the living room, and Wufei was upstairs in his bedroom doing something unknown.  
  
"Did you find the cat?" Trowa asked, turning off the vacuum so that we could hear him.  
  
Duo nodded happily, though I noticed that there was still a hint of colour on his cheeks. "Yeah, we named her Tenkou."  
  
"Tenkou?"   
  
"Queen of Heaven. She has this kind of regal look, so..."   
  
"Right. Well, good, nobody should be nameless."  
  
"Right! I'm gonna go make myself a sandwich."   
  
He didn't exactly run out of the room, but it was close, and once he was gone, I looked at Trowa with a raised eyebrow. I had a sneaking suspicion about his last sentence, which was confirmed when he gave me a shy smile and a wink. Then he turned on the vacuum again, which effectively stopped conversation. I gave him a grateful smile before I went to see about my own breakfast. 


	11. CHapter Eleven

Notes: Fairly short chapter, but kinda important, and there's some really nice non-romantic sap between Duo and Trowa and Quatre, and some romantic sap between Duo and Heero, and a little mystery about Wufei (anyone guesses what he's hiding gets a cookie!) Enjoy and review!  
  
The day was fairly boring, but it was a peaceful kind of boring. Marianne and Quatre came back from the shopping around lunchtime and we all helped to put things away before Trowa cooked a simple pasta thing for lunch. After that, Wufei went upstairs to continue with his unknown thing, Trowa and Quatre went out for a walk, Marianne settled down to watch her favourite soap opera, and Duo and I played some card games.   
  
Things were... peaceful. We didn't have to worry about being discovered or being called away on missions or tending each other's wounds. We didn't have to worry about anything. I treasured that, the feeling of quiet contentment. But what I treasured more was the same look of contentment I saw in Duo's eyes. He was happy, and that was very important. He smiled a lot more and laughed a little bit whenever he would beat me.   
  
We had a reward system going for our card games. When I won, he kissed me, when he won, I kissed him, and if we had a draw, we kissed each other. And yes, there is a difference between each type of kissing. It's a subtle difference, but it was there, and I treasured the kisses he gave me most, maybe because it proved that he loved me, that I had managed to catch this mercurial angel and lay claim on him, that I had something now, something important and beautiful and vibrant and that I would get to keep him.   
  
The backdoor opened and Quatre and Trowa walked in. There was a slight blush to Quatre's cheeks and a happy, satisfied look in his eyes that said they had done a little bit more than walking. I glanced at Duo and he smirked at me, winking. I had to bit my lip to contain my laughter, because I did not want to explain why I was laughing to Quatre and Trowa.  
  
"Is Wufei still upstairs?" Quatre asked, getting a glass out of the cupboard and getting himself some water.  
  
"Yup," Duo said. "Hasn't come out since he went up there after we put the shopping away. He's probably just meditating."  
  
"No, I'd feel it if he were." Quatre was frowning thoughtfully. "When he's meditating, it's sort of like a distant calm, but now...."  
  
"Now what?"  
  
"Now it's... eager? Sort of an anticipating happiness. It's weird."   
  
"Weird pretty much sums Wufei up. Proud. Admirable. Tough. Stubborn. Strong. Lots of words sum Wufei up."   
  
I blinked at him, and he blushed. I don't think he'd realised what he'd said, and I was about to say something when Trowa spoke.  
  
"What words sum up Quatre?"  
  
"Loving. Tender. Gentle. Protective. Determined. Intelligent. Weird."  
  
"And me?"  
  
"Distant. Observant. Quiet. Fierce. Mysterious. Weird."  
  
"Heero?"  
  
"Defensive. Strong. Sensitive. Watchful. Intense. Gentle. Smart. Calculating. Weird."  
  
A soft smile curved Trowa's lips, and I thought he knew what he was going to do. I wasn't disappointed. "Humble. Intelligent. Troubled. Joyful. Vengeful. Harsh. Tender. Lively. Weird."  
  
Duo blinked at him owlishly, a blush colouring his cheeks. "Who-Who's that supposed to be?"  
  
"There are five members of our team. You described four of them. Guess who I described."  
  
"Uh... um...."   
  
"Huh, Duo Maxwell struggling for words." He frowned, still smiling, and said, "Ya know, you're cute when you looked dumbstruck like that."   
  
The blush that had been faint turned flaming red, and he gasped before exclaiming, "Trowa!"   
  
"He's right, Duo," Quatre giggled. "You look really cute like that."  
  
"I-you-he-you-I...."  
  
Quatre and Trowa laughed before walking out, leaving me alone with a bright red Duo.   
  
"Would you spontaneously combust if I said I agreed with them?" I asked, smiling, and he mock-glared at me.  
  
"Don't you start. It is very off-putting to have two of your best friends, who happen to be in love with each other, say that you look cute and sound like they mean it."  
  
"They did mean it. And so did I. You do look cute when you're dumbstruck, which is a change from beautiful like you usually look."  
  
"Heero!"  
  
"What? I'm not allowed to compliment you?"  
  
"Well.... You.... I...."  
  
"You aren't having much luck with coherent sentences."  
  
"That's your fault. You keep surprising me."  
  
"Sorry. I'll warn you when I'm gonna compliment you in the future."   
  
"I give up!" he groaned, and began shuffling the cards, apparently deciding to just stop this conversation before he really did spontaneously combust.   
  
I got pressed into helping with dinner that night, and had to peel the potatoes while listening to some fluffy 'dinner music'. I had half my attention on the potatoes and making sure I didn't start peeling my fingers, and half my attention on Duo, who was quietly reading a book at the table. He'd been fairly relaxed since finding and naming Tenkou, other than the bit with the near bursting into flames, and I was happy about that, but I could see something underneath, something that wasn't happy, and I wanted to erase that look, but I didn't know how. I didn't even know what that look was, not completely, and how could I erase it without understanding it completely?  
  
"Heero, you're scowling," Quatre said, and I flushed. He gave me one of those looks that are the silent equivalent of 'you wanna talk?' and I shook my head. He frowned slightly, and I flicked my eyes briefly in Duo's direction. His eyes widened in response, a hint of alarm/fear/concern appearing in those blue-green depths, and I gave him a small, reassuring smile, echoing it with a one-shouldered shrug. He nodded and walked away.   
  
We five have been working together, depending on each other, for long enough that we can convey a great deal of information silently, using little gestures and adjusting our body language. It makes it useful when we're undercover and need to talk but can't.   
  
It was oddly... comforting. It gave me this warm feeling in the pit of my stomach. I'd never had anyone in my life that was really important to me, no one that I cared about, and no one that I was close to, but I had four friends now, and we were close. I wouldn't jeopardise a mission for any one of them, except maybe Duo, but I still... cared about them. For the first time in my life I could say that I cared about someone, that I had friends, that I held love in my heart.   
  
"Okay, that's about the fifth mood change in the past three minutes," Duo said suddenly, and I looked at him. "Wanna share you thoughts?"  
  
I shrugged. "Nothing important. Just thinking."  
  
"Uh-huh." I could tell he didn't believe me, but he let it drop. I gave him a smile and turned my attention back to the potatoes. "So, Wufei, what have you been doing upstairs all day?"  
  
Trust Duo to be blunt. Wufei coughed and I'm pretty sure he was blushing, but I was looking at the potatoes not him, so I couldn't be certain.  
  
"Just... nothing important," Wufei finally stammered.  
  
"Oh, now that's bullshit."   
  
"Duo, language," Marianne snapped, and I smiled.  
  
"Sorry, Marianne. Come on, Wufei, you might aswell tell me, 'cause otherwise I'm gonna think up things that are probably wrong and tease you about them. Like, say, where you perhaps getting it on with your right hand?"  
  
"Duo!" Marianne snapped again, at just the same time that Wufei shouted, "Maxwell!"  
  
Duo just laughed. "That wasn't a denial."  
  
"Maxwell, I was not..."  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Oh, for-I was drawing, alright?"  
  
"See, now was that so hard to admit?"   
  
"Yes," Wufei replied testily, and I could almost feel the glare he was directing at Duo.  
  
It came to me then that things were... normal. Duo was laughing and teasing and Wufei was being angry and stern. They were acting just like they had before that horrid mission. I glanced at Quatre and saw by his smile that he realised it to. Gods, could Duo really be healing? Or was it just another mask? How was I supposed to know?   
  
If it was genuine, then I was ecstatic, naturally, but if it was a mask.... Why was he hiding? Did he think he had to?   
  
I looked at Quatre again and raised an eyebrow, flicking my eyes at Duo and Wufei. He heard the silent question and his eyes grew distant for a moment before he gave me the slightest of nods.   
  
Okay, great, this was all genuine, but... what did that mean? Was he getting better? So soon? Don't get me wrong, I was thrilled, but... what about that shadow I'd seen in his eyes? This couldn't be over so soon. I wish it could be, but I was a realist. Duo was far from healed.   
  
"Hey, Wufei," Duo said suddenly, "Am I ever gonna get to see any of your drawings? I mean, I've only ever seen a couple of sketches of animals, and they were quite good, so could I see some more?"  
  
"Maybe."   
  
There was an odd tone in Wufei's voice that I couldn't decipher, and I frowned at the potatoes. Have you ever had that feeling that there was something going on around you but you didn't know what it was? Sort of a tingle in the air, a nagging whisper of suspicion in the back of your mind. Well, I had that. And I didn't like it.   
  
"Heero, would you either stop frowning or tell me what the problem is?" Duo asked, and I smiled despite myself.  
  
"Sorry, Duo, but I was just thinking about things."  
  
"We're here to relax, Heero. Relaxing means not thinking. So, thinking bad, relaxing good. Got it?"   
  
"Got it." I glanced at him and briefly thought about saluting, but decided against it. The chuckle Duo gave me told me he'd seen the thought in my eyes though. That amazes me, the way he can see what you're thinking in your eyes, in your expression, in the subtlest hint of body language. If I wasn't such a sceptic I'd think he was a telepath.   
  
Knowing about his ability to read people so well, I put into my eyes just how much I loved him, just how beautiful I thought he was, and I saw his own eyes widen, a blush creeping onto his cheeks.   
  
"Will you two please stop with the silent flirting before I gag?" Wufei asked archly, and we both laughed. 


	12. Chapter Twelve

Notes: A major serious breakthrough happens, people! Everyone give a big yay for Duo! Also, this doesn't really qualify as lime, but there is some definite... heavy kissing going on, so if you can't handle the idea of two guys getting it on together (why are you reading this story, if that's the case?) then I'm telling you to leave now, and it's only gonna get worse (or better, in my opinion). Enjoy and review!  
  
The next few days were fairly boring. We woke up, showered and dressed, had breakfast, went about our chores for the day, and then relaxed. Marianne had a nice collection of movies from the twenty-first century, and Duo became addicted to them. His favourites were the Lord of the Rings Trilogy, the Scream Trilogy, and Scooby-Doo. We would curl up on the couch and watch them, making appropriate (sometimes crude) comments at scenes we liked, and Duo always shouted obscene things at whatever bad guys we were watching. He seemed to take a definite dislike to Wormtongue, a minor bad guy from the second movie, The Two Towers.   
  
Sometimes one of the others would join us to watch a movie, but mostly we were on our own. I suspected Quatre might have had a bit to do with that, and I will have to thank him someday. Sitting there with Duo, we were able to pretend that we were normal boys, without a care in the world. Those times were very precious to me. We didn't do anything, not even kissing, but that didn't matter. It's hard to put into words, but it was like having that shred of normality and sharing it made us closer, strengthened the bond between us. We didn't have to worry about getting killed the next day, or killing others, we were just normal boys, and we could relax and not have to rush things, not have to jump at any moment of intimacy we might get because we might not get another chance.   
  
Duo seemed to be healing, with all the normality around him. He would smile and joke and laugh, he would dance around and try to initiate drinking games that Quatre and Wufei refused. He was like his old self, and whether it was another mask or not, I don't know, but Quatre seemed to believe it was genuine, and I have never seen Quatre wrong about things like that, so... I was happy. Most of the time.   
  
Sometimes I would find Duo sitting on the window seat in our room, staring at the lake and obviously not seeing it. He looked sad and thoughtful and... beautiful. Duo is always beautiful, but when he isn't concentrating on what persona to present to the world, when he doesn't care what people see... he is breathtaking.   
  
I asked a couple of times what he thought about when he was so lost in his thoughts, and he would just look at his shoes and mumble 'things'. I decided that if he wanted to tell me, he would, and that I shouldn't pry. Besides, it seemed to help him. I don't know what he thought about, but he was obviously thinking very hard. I suspect he was thinking about the past few days, trying to come to grip with what he had done. I wanted to help him with that, wanted to... ease his suffering, maybe, but I didn't know how, and it was fairly obvious that he wanted, maybe needed, to do that little bit of healing by himself.  
  
We'd been at Marianne's for nine days when the next major breakthrough happened. Duo had asked for a little time to himself, so I had spent a couple of hours reading in the living room. Quatre and Trowa were in the kitchen, and Wufei was outside doing his katas. Marianne was in her room.   
  
I finished reading War and Peace and decided to go and check on Duo. He'd been extra quiet this morning and I was kinda worried. I knocked quietly on the door and waited for an invitation before walking in. What I saw made me stop dead in my tracks.  
  
Duo was sitting cross-legged on the floor, and his guns were spread out before him, three of them completely dismantled. He had one in his hands and was carefully inspecting each and every part of it. He glanced up at me and there was something... hard in his eyes.   
  
"My weapons need some cleaning," he said quietly, his voice completely devoid of emotion. "You wanna help?"  
  
All I could do was nod and sit down opposite him. I picked up the nearest gun, a Browning Hi-Power, and dismantled it without really focusing on what I was doing. He was touching his weapons. He was touching and cleaning his weapons. Was he ready for combat again? Was he closing the wounds of that fateful mission? Was he healed? I had so many questions and no way to ask them. I could only find the answers if Duo volunteered them. He did.  
  
"I don't think I'll ever be okay with what I did," he said softly, staring hard at the weapon in his hands. "I don't like killing and I hated killing that many innocents. I don't like being Shinigami, don't like being a Gundam pilot. But... I am. I'm the pilot of a Gundam and that makes killing a part of who I am. My first reflex is to fight, to neutralise the threat. And... if I don't... people get hurt. You get hurt.   
  
"There are only five of us, and we don't exactly have understudies. If I die, or can't pilot my Gundam, then we stand even less of a chance of winning this stupid war. You'll have to take more risks, put yourself in more danger, because I won't be there to help. I know that there's a good chance we'll die in this war, either by a fight, by torture, or by execution, but... if I don't fight, and you get killed, it'd destroy me, because I might've been able to save you.   
  
"I'm not ready yet. If I go into combat now, I'll freeze up, I know I will. But... someday, someday soon, I will be able to fight. I don't know how long it'll take, days, weeks, months, but I will get better. I will always have the memory of what I did, and the wound will never really close, but... it is getting better. I'm not thinking about it constantly, and the nightmares are getting better."   
  
He put the gun in his hands back together with amazing speed and checked the clip before looking at it. "This is a Beretta nine millimetre. It is loaded with Glazer Safety Rounds. I can kill a lot of people with this weapon. I've had it for three years. It's mine, and if anyone tries to take it from me, I'll kill them."   
  
He reassembled the rest of the guns and leaned forward to kiss me lightly on the lips. Then he got up and left.   
  
Well fuck.   
  
He was healing. He finally saw that there was an end in sight. Until now, he hadn't thought he would ever get better. But he did now. And... he was close. He could touch his weapons, could see them for the destructive things they were. We had been here nine days and already he was so much better. I would have to thank Sally.   
  
It was a few minutes before I was able to get up and find Duo. He was in the kitchen, talking with Quatre and Trowa about Aragorn. He liked Aragorn, said he reminded him of me.  
  
Completely ignoring my two friends, I leaned down and captured Duo's lips in a hot, heated kiss that lasted several minutes. My hand stroked along his jaw and buried itself in his hair. My tongue danced with his, exploring his mouth, as his explored my own. It was a kiss full of love and passion and trust and need and so many things I couldn't explain. It left us breathless and smiling like idiots.  
  
Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Trowa watching us with a faint smirk, laughter sparkling in his eyes, and Quatre was looking away, blushing furiously and fanning himself with one hand.  
  
I glanced at Duo and gave him another light kiss before sitting down in the spare seat.   
  
"Anyone for a game of cards?" I asked casually, picking up the deck and shuffling them. Duo only stared at me, still lost in the kiss. I had to repress the urge to laugh and kiss him again, just to keep him looking like that, with his violet eyes clouded with desire and his lips red and swollen.   
  
Seeing him like that, and knowing that I had been the one to make him look like that, made hot desire course through my body, and I shifted uncomfortably in my seat. Now was really not the time for hormones.   
  
I took a deep breath and forced my body to calm down, not looking too hard at Duo because I knew it would just excite me again.  
  
"I take it Duo did something you liked?" Trowa asked quietly after a moment, and the images that sparked to life in my mind from that simple brain threatened my control. "Or was that little show just for our benefit? If it was, thank you, I enjoyed it."  
  
I glared at him half-heartedly, and then looked at Duo, silently telling him that it was his choice. He hesitated, chewing on his kiss-swollen lip, and then nodded to himself.  
  
"I think... I made some progress."  
  
That instantly sparked both their attentions, and they said simultaneously, "Oh?"  
  
"I... cleaned my guns a bit and... admitted that I... would heal. I guess Heero liked that."   
  
Quatre beamed at him, his whole face lighting up. "Duo that's fantastic!"   
  
Trowa was a bit more reserved. "Congratulations."  
  
Duo shrugged one shoulder, looking down at his hands. "S'no big deal," he mumbled. "I just... got ta thinkin'." It was a sign of his discomfort that he let his old 'street accent' into his voice patterns. When he started speaking in his street accent, he was either upset or uncomfortable.   
  
I cleared my throat meaningfully and raised the deck of cards a little. "How about that game of cards?" I asked, and saw Trowa realise just how uncomfortable Duo was. He nudged Quatre and did that silently talking thing. Quatre nodded and I dealt the cards slowly, giving Duo a few moments to get over his discomfort.   
  
We played cards for about an hour, and then it was time for dinner. Marianne seemed oblivious to the tingle in the air, but Wufei picked up on it immediately and glanced at me with a raised eyebrow. I flicked my eyes at Duo and then gave him a look that said 'later'. He nodded and let it drop.   
  
We had a beef stew thing for dinner, with Marianne talking quietly with Quatre about her favourite soap opera, which Quatre had developed a taste for. Wufei and I got assigned the chore of doing the dishes, which was quite convenient, and I told him of Duo's progress while up to my elbows in soapy dishwater.   
  
His face did some very odd things. I couldn't quite capture all the emotions, gone too quickly to read, but that he was showing so much was very telling in itself. I had always suspected that he cared for Duo a lot more than he did, but watching him then, I had to wonder if he didn't care for Duo in the romantic sense. I didn't quite know how to react to that thought. Was I jealous? Angry? Outraged? What? I decided to simply ignore it unless he did something overt.   
  
"He really is an amazing person," he murmured after a while, and I grunted.  
  
"You have no idea."   
  
"No... I don't suppose I do."   
  
After finishing the dishes, we went into the living room to find Quatre and Trowa setting out a game of Monopoly. I raised an eyebrow and looked at Duo, who blushed and grinned.   
  
"Remember a few weeks ago when I mentioned that I'd always wanted to play Monopoly? Well, Quat remembered."   
  
"Ah." I sat down next to him, running my hand along his arm because I just couldn't help myself. He shifted a little closer to me, smiling, and I debated whether or not to put an arm around his waist. I decided against it.   
  
So that's what we did for the next two and a half hours. It was... fun. Duo put on a great show of moaning whenever he lost money and gloating whenever someone landed on one of his properties and had to pay. Quatre was a little more reserved, but not by much. Half way through the game, Duo accused Trowa of handing Quatre money out of the bank, because Quatre had way too much money. After the minor argument that ensued, Trowa agreed to let Wufei be the banker. No one commented when Wufei started giving Duo almost double as much as he deserved. Wufei ended up winning, but just by a few hundred dollars.   
  
"So, curiosity satisfied?" I asked when everyone else had left the room, and he smiled at me shyly.  
  
"Yeah. I know it's stupid, but..."  
  
"It's not stupid," I told him firmly. "You have every right to be curious about all these normal little things that we don't know about. Though, I will say that you could've picked a better game to explore. I lost miserably, and you wouldn't even think about giving me a loan!"  
  
He laughed with me and said in a mock-serious tone, "It's every man for himself in this game, Heero. It's not my fault you suck at real estate."   
  
Then he surprised the hell out of me. He sort of... tackled me, I guess, or pounced. Whatever, he did something, and I ended up lying on my back, with Duo on top of me and kissing the hell out of me.   
  
I was aroused in a matter of moments, and I met his kisses desperately, running my hands up his arms and over his back, finding all the scars from his hard life and caressing them. He moaned into my mouth, little shivers running through his body.   
  
I drew away, breathless and dazed. He was... breathtaking. His eyes were clouded with passion, his lips kiss-swollen, his cheeks flushed....   
  
"Oh, God, Duo, you are amazing," I whispered, and he blushed.  
  
"You're not too bad yourself."   
  
"Was there a, uh, reason for that? Not that I'm complaining."   
  
He shrugged and levered himself off me. I remained lying on the floor, trying to control my breathing and my hormones.  
  
"I just felt like it," he mumbled. "I guess... that kiss before dinner kinda stuck in my memory." He got uncomfortable and uncertain then, sneaking glances at me out of the corner of his eye. "Was that... too much? Too much... teasing? I didn't..."   
  
I smiled, despite myself. "Duo, how can someone as gorgeous as you are be so damned insecure? That was... fantastic. Unbelievable. If you ever want to do anything like that again, I am certainly not going to stop you."   
  
"I'm sorry. It's just... well, you're so handsome and sexy and I just wanted to kiss you and then I got a little bit carried away and..."   
  
I shut him up with a kiss, nothing as passionate as what we'd just done, more tender and loving.   
  
"I love you, Duo Maxwell," I whispered against his lips.   
  
"Love you too, Heero Yuy."   
  
I stood up and helped him to his feet, catching him when he wobbled a bit. "Sorry," he humbled. "I'm just a bit tired. Today was..."  
  
"Emotionally exhausting?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Let's go to bed then."   
  
As he always did, Duo curled up beside me in my bed, nestling his head on my shoulder, and I wrapped an arm around him. He was asleep almost immediately, leaving me to my thoughts.  
  
Today had been... very important. He'd acknowledged that he would heal and that someday, he would be able to fight and kill again. The thing was, did I want him to?   
  
I know, it's a stupid question. He's a Gundam pilot and he doesn't have a choice, any more than I do, but... I love him and I don't want to lose him. Could I really watch him go into battle and not know if I would see him again? Would I be able to leave him behind on a mission, surrendering him to capture and torture and possible death? Could I kill him myself, to keep him from talking?   
  
Gods, I just didn't know. 


	13. Chapter Thirteen

Notes: This is a short chapter, I know, but it's choc full o' sap, so I guess that's okay. And for those of you who haven't read the side-fic of Wufei's thoughts, you should probably go read it, because it's gets sort of fleetingly mentioned in this chapter, and I think I'm gonna use it more later on. Anyway, the next chapter will be along in a few days (my muse is back!!!) and the boys will be *sob* leaving Marianne's. Enjoy and review!   
  
Remember that mysterious thing Wufei had going? Where I knew he was up to something, but didn't know what? Well, I got my answer that morning.   
  
He was grinning all through breakfast, managing to look very pleased with himself and very unsure all at the same time, sort of like Duo before someone triggers one of his pranks, where he's really proud but still not sure of the welcome it, and he, will receive.  
  
Quatre kept glancing at him and rubbing a hand over his heart, frowning, and I knew that he was sensing some weird things from our Chinese friend, but didn't ask what.   
  
After we'd all done our chores we went into the living room to watch Wrong Turn, a movie with someone called Eliza Dushku in it. Duo said he'd seen her on something called Buffy the Vampire Slayer and that she was a really good actress, so he wanted to watch it. None of us argued, though Quatre seemed hesitant because of his dislike of horror movies. Still, he curled up with Trowa on the sofa, ready to close his eyes at the really scary bits.   
  
The movie was actually pretty decent, and Eliza Dushku was a very good actress. Plus, the movie had cannibals in it, which gave it automatic points in my book.   
  
After the movie, Wufei asked me and Duo to wait in the living room for a moment. We shrugged and waited obediently while he went up to his room.  
  
"What's this about?" Duo murmured to me, and I shrugged again.  
  
"Don't know."   
  
Wufei returned carrying a large manila envelope and wearing a very large grin. He held the envelope carefully, as if afraid to damage whatever it held, and just looked at us for a moment.  
  
"This is something for the both of you," he eventually said. "And... well, it's... just something that... I wanted to do. So... here."   
  
He handed me the envelope and I looked at Duo with a raised eyebrow. He shrugged again and waited for me to open it and reveal what was inside.  
  
It was a portrait. Of Duo and me. I was behind Duo, my arms draped casually over his shoulders, chin resting on his left shoulder so that my face was next to his. We were both smiling. It was done in black and white, but still incredibly realistic and detailed, right down to the little scar along Duo's hairline. Speaking of hair, Duo's was done... perfectly. Each strand was drawn individually, giving just the right thickness and... texture, though I don't have any idea on how he managed that. His braid was over his right shoulder, trailing down next to my arm, and it looked as if Wufei had somehow taken Duo's real braid and flattened it onto the paper.   
  
We both blinked at it, not speaking, not even thinking. It was just so... incredible. I'd never seen a picture look so damned realistic before. It was almost like a window or a weird black and white mirror. Only, the mirror didn't show the bad, only the good. That haunted shadow was gone from Duo's eyes, leaving them bright and cheerful. The scowl was gone from my face, leaving my expression relaxed and open. It showed what we could have been like if we weren't Gundam pilots. It was perfect.  
  
I looked up at Wufei and tried to think of something appropriate to say, but couldn't. What words could express the gratitude I felt for this gift?   
  
Duo didn't bother with words. He just leapt up and hugged Wufei so hard I thought he was going to break the raven-haired teen's neck. Wufei blushed and smiled and hugged back, murmuring something in Chinese that I didn't quite catch.   
  
Well... this was unexpected.   
  
I knew Wufei liked Duo, possibly more than I thought, but... this was a gift to me as well, a chance to see Duo without any of the hardships that had haunted his heart and mind. If it was only a gift to Duo, he wouldn't have been in the picture, and he wouldn't have handed it to me.   
  
I knew that Wufei was a lot more sensitive than he let on, that once he gave his loyalty and protection to someone, it was forever, and that he liked me as a comrade and fellow warrior, but... I had never realised that he liked me as a friend. He didn't just respect my fighting skills and strength, he liked my personality, what little I had and what little I showed. He was... my friend, and not just because I was a fellow Gundam pilot, not because I was the Perfect Soldier, but just because I was me.   
  
I would've liked to hug him, but I didn't for two reasons. One: I don't hug anyone but Duo. Two: Wufei doesn't let anyone but Duo hug him. So, I just looked at him and nodded my thanks. He smiled at me, still holding Duo tightly.   
  
After a moment, he untangled himself from Duo and cleared his throat, staring at his feet. "It was... just something I've been working on."   
  
Duo hesitated, biting his lip, and then blurted, "Can you draw me something?"   
  
Wufei looked at him, surprised, and said, "Of course. What do you want?"  
  
"I want... all of us. A picture of each of us, bodies and everything. I know that's a lot to ask, but...."  
  
"It would be my honour. But I'm not really very good at self-portraits."  
  
Duo grinned. "That's alright, I can help. I mean, I can't draw to save my life, but I can tell you how I see you."  
  
"It's a deal. Now, I have to go practise my katas."   
  
He left us alone then, and Duo curled up beside me, the picture still in my lap. He trailed a finger along picture-me's jaw.  
  
"He really is very talented, isn't he?" he murmured, and I hummed agreement. "I wanna do something for him now, but I don't know what. I mean, this is so precious and he must've worked so hard on it. What can I do to repay him?"  
  
"Get better; he'd love to see you well again."   
  
"Yeah, but... I dunno. I'll think of something."  
  
"I'm sure you will."   
  
He was quiet for a moment then, just staring at the picture in my lap. Then he asked very casually, "What're we gonna do today?"   
  
There was something in his voice that told me he was thinking something but didn't want me to do something I didn't want to, so I just said, "I hadn't planned anything. You got any suggestions?"  
  
"Well... I was kinda wonderin' if you would kinda like to... gointotownwithmeanddosomeshoppingmaybe?"  
  
I blinked and replayed that sentence in my head, breaking it down into actual words. When I had it figured out, I smiled.   
  
"Sure, we can spend the day, have mall-food for lunch." Do not ask me why, but Duo likes mall-food, and has inflicted it upon me a couple of times. Everything tasted very flat and artificial, and the cheese on the pizza tasted like rubber. But, Duo likes it, so I ate it with him.   
  
Duo grinned at me and gave me a light kiss before standing up, pulling me with him. "Great, let's go!"  
  
I laughed and made him wait while I told Quatre where we were going, grabbed my cell phone, and pulled on shoes and a jacket. Duo had already put on his boots and jacket when I talked to Quatre, and stood by the door, bouncing up and down impatiently.  
  
"Come on, come on, come on, I wanna get there real soon."  
  
"Is there some deadline that I'm not aware of?" I asked as he pushed me out the door.  
  
"Well, no, but the mall's a big place and I wanna see EVERYTHING and that takes time."   
  
"Right."   
  
So that's what we did for the next few hours. Duo was... almost childlike in his joy. He had to look at all the CDs in the music store, read all the slogans on the tee shirts in the clothes store, pet all the puppies in the pet store, try all the keyboards, drums and guitars in the music store.... Well, you get the idea.   
  
He seemed to have limitless energy and bounced from store to store to store, dragging me behind him.   
  
His favourite store was an old second hand one, and seemed to love all the old cheesy romance novels with the beautiful woman on the front and some really weird plot twist at the end. He ended up buying half a dozen of them, and would've bought more, but I talked him out of it, assuring him that when he finished them he could buy some more.   
  
He also bought several little toys from Kinder Eggs and McDonalds Happy Meals. I blinked when he began planning just where to put them in Deathscythe's cockpit, but didn't comment.  
  
To go with the toys and novels, he bought three pairs of jeans, one sweater, an old DVD of a show called Red Dwarf, and a bottle of hand lotion.   
  
I finally lured him away from the store with the promise of mall food. I attempted half-heartedly, to get him to agree to eat at McDonalds, but he had his heart set on mall food, so... that's what we ate. It was as horrible as I remembered, but I didn't complain, partly because it was actually a small step up from military ration bars, and partly because it seemed to make him even happier. I don't think I will ever completely figure out Duo. He will forever remain a mystery.   
  
We finally made it back to Marianne's just before dinner, carrying Duo's new purchases and talking about The Simpsons.   
  
Dinner was some chicken-in-breadcrumbs with mash and vegetables affair, and Duo talked almost constantly about the mall and his new things. He managed to start a lengthy conversation with Quatre over what effects long-term isolation in space would have upon the average human's psyche, when he briefly mentioned his new DVD and explained what it was about.   
  
He also told them all about the portrait Wufei had drawn for us, and seemed to forget completely about punctuation and individual sentences and just use the word 'and' a few hundred times. For example: 'And he's drawn my hair so absolutely perfectly ya know with all the thickness and each strand is drawn individually and it falls over my shoulder next to Heero's hand which is also on my shoulder and we're both smiling and the look in Heero's eyes is how he looks when he doesn't think anyone's watching him and he looks really totally gorgeous all wild and feral but so tame and loving at the same time and yes I know that's a contradiction but that's what I saw and even though it's all in black and white you can somehow see the colour in our eyes and...'   
  
"Maxwell, they will see the drawing after dinner, will you please just pause and take a breath before you faint?" Wufei asked, smiling, and Duo blushed.   
  
"Sorry, 'Fei, I just like it really much."  
  
"Yes, I think we all got that impression."   
  
"It's good to see you so happy, Duo," Quatre said, sipping his water.   
  
"Well, who wouldn't be happy with such an awesome sketch of me and my SO? Ooh, did I tell you about how Wufei even got that tiny little scar on Heero's left thumb and this little scar on my temple right here see and did I tell you-"  
  
I very calmly put my hand over Duo's mouth and shushed him, until he blushed again and shut up. I smiled at him, and he gave me one of those warm, sweet smiles that I love so much. But in his eyes, I saw a dull shadow of the knowledge that we would be leaving this place soon, and return to the war. 


	14. Chapter Fourteen

Notes: Short chapter, but it's kinda sappy/angsty, as the boys are leaving Marianne, and Heero gets all mushy about her.   
  
This chapter is dedicated to cyberdistroyer, for your lovely reviews and because you liked my story enough to cry. Enjoy and review!   
  
Then we had to leave. Our two weeks of vacation were over, Duo was nearly completely healed, and there were fights to be fought, targets to be killed, people to save, pain to be felt.   
  
We were all pretty subdued that morning, trying to cling to the fading shreds of normality we'd gathered in our hearts. Marianne seemed just as quiet as us, and I had to wonder if she would actually miss us.   
  
Duo took it worst of all, not surprisingly. This had been the place where he'd felt normal, where he'd been at peace, and now he had to leave it and go back to fighting and pain and blood and death. I hated to see that look of sorrow in his eyes, but I couldn't help it. We had to leave.   
  
We left at lunchtime, our stomachs full of turkey stew with dumplings-Duo's favourite. Marianne hugged each of us in turn, whispering her goodbyes and good lucks. She told Quatre that he had the sweetest soul she'd ever seen, and that he shouldn't tarnish it with his doubts and self-hatred. She told Trowa that he had an amazing mind and shouldn't be afraid of opening up more to those who cared about him. She told Wufei that he had a strong sense of justice, but shouldn't be blinded by it and to accept help from those around him occasionally. She told me that I had a pure heart, battered as it was, and that I shouldn't be afraid of letting people get close to me.   
  
I don't know what she told Duo, because she spoke too low for me to hear, but whatever it was made him smile and hug her extra tight. A sparkling tear rolled down his cheek, and my heart lurched painfully at the sight. Marianne had meant more to him than the rest of us, because he had seen in her the mother he never knew, and the adoptive mother he'd lost so early. He'd seen in her all the good things he'd not had in his life, and had been able to cling to them for just a little while. Marianne would always be important to him, that I could tell, and I had to wonder if we would ever see her again. A small part of me hoped we would.  
  
Trowa drove, by silent mutual consent. We had 'borrowed' a nice dark blue SUV, with plenty of room for us and our gear, so Duo was able to curl up next to me for the long drive. He seemed to need to touch me, and had barely left my side all morning. I wasn't complaining all that much. I was happy to just have him pressed against me and stroke his braid.   
  
Wufei was on my other side, absently doodling in his sketchpad. I glanced at hthe page and saw it was a little Duo-neko, like in all those anime shows Duo loved. He looked rather cute, actually, and Wufei had a little smile on his face. I wondered what Duo would think of the picture.   
  
Duo mumbled something incoherent, and I realised he had fallen asleep. I dropped a kiss on the top of his head, and shifted slightly so that his elbow wasn't digging into me quite so much.   
  
"I hope we see her again," Quatre said quietly, sighing.   
  
"If she survives this war, I'll make sure of it," I replied, and it was true. If we all survived the war, I'd make sure that Duo got to see Marianne again, no matter what it took. I would do anything to see Duo so happy again, so... peaceful.   
  
And if I was being completely truthful with myself, I had to admit that I actually wanted to see her again. Marianne had shown me something I didn't think anyone could: she had shown me what a home was like. She had given me, albeit briefly, a chance to live in a home with a... semi-normal family. I had always been on the outside, looking in, watching but never involved, and she had opened the door and welcomed me inside. She had shown me that I wasn't just the Perfect Soldier, Gundam pilot and assassin, but that I was a person, too. I was a human being with feelings and emotions and wants and needs. She had not been horrified by the blood staining my hands, or terrified by my gruesome skills. She had liked me because I was me. She had done what Wufei had hinted at, she had liked me because I was who and what I was. She had... loved me.  
  
We had orders to go to a new safe house, but we had to retrieve our Gundams first, so we went back to the one we had been using. I'd forgotten, somehow, just what the Gundams were. They were the most brutal weapons of mass destruction in the world, with the most advanced technology around that we used for killing. I don't know why I forgot that, but I did.   
  
So I was entirely unprepared for Duo to freeze in the hanger doorway, staring with wide, frightened eyes at the black Gundam he piloted. I frowned, and then it clicked, and I cursed myself for being such an idiot. I took a step back to him and touched his arm. He jumped like he'd been shot, and swung his terrified gaze to me.  
  
"Duo?" I asked softly, searching his eyes for... something.  
  
"I... I can't. God, Heero, I can't."   
  
Shit. I knew he wasn't ready for combat yet, but... I had hoped he could pilot his Gundam. Apparently not. Now what were going to do? I couldn't pilot two Gundams at the same time, and a cockpit wasn't built for two.   
  
"Maxwell, you are not going on a mission," Wufei said quietly. "You are not going to kill anyone. You are not going to be Shinigami. You are merely flying your Gundam to another location. The only systems you need boot up are the flying and stealth ones. None of the weapons, not your scythe, nothing. I know you can do this."   
  
Duo looked at him for a long time, searching for something in his onyx eyes. I don't know what it was, but apparently he found it, because he smiled shakily.   
  
"I... I guess. I just... got scared."  
  
"Understandable. The journey is a short one, and we will have constant communication. You can even play your obnoxious music if you absolutely must, though how you can call that music is beyond me."   
  
Duo's trademark grin flashed into action then. "Just because it's got drums and guitars and an actual rhythm that you can dance to does not make it non-music! Not everyone likes that boring classical stuff, ya know!"   
  
"It is not boring, Maxwell, it is soothing."  
  
"Only because it has the ability to put anyone instantly to sleep."  
  
"That is your opinion, Maxwell, not the world's."  
  
"I am the world."  
  
"No you're not."   
  
I frowned and watched the two of them banter as they walked to the Gundams. Was I missing something? What the hell was going on? And how did Wufei know? I was supposed to know Duo's heart, and yet he was the one helping my love. That just didn't make sense.   
  
Shrugging, I walked to my own Gundam and keyed in the password, sitting down in the command chair and strapping myself in. Running a quick systems check, I started up the engines and waited for the others before leaving.   
  
Wufei opened a private com-line to my Gundam about five minutes into the journey, and he was smiling softly.  
  
"He just needed to be distracted," he said without preamble. "A verbal sparing match with me meant that he couldn't think about piloting his Gundam. As long as he's distracted, it won't be a problem, he'll do everything else on auto-pilot, but when he doesn't have anything to distract him, he'll start thinking about all the other times he piloted Deathscythe, and he'll have a breakdown."   
  
I frowned. "How do you know all that?" I asked, and he smiled again.  
  
"It is something... Meiran taught me." Then he closed the link and left me gaping at a blank screen.  
  
Well damn.  
  
Wufei never talked about his wife, because it was too personal, too private, but I knew that he had loved her dearly. And I had seen in his eyes, when he said her name, a shining light that spoke of love and friendship and respect. It was a second before I realised I had seen that same light in his eyes when he looked at Duo. And that's when I knew: Wufei loved Duo.   
  
So what did I do now? I had suspected this for days, and yet... I was still unsure of what to do. I wasn't really angry, or jealous, because that would be a bit hypocritical. I loved Duo, so it was perfectly understandable for someone else to as well. But... shouldn't I do something? I mean, Duo was mine and I was his and I wasn't going to share, so... I should do something. But what?   
  
"I hate confusing relationships," I muttered to my Gundam, forgetting that I still had an open link to the others. I got a chorus of 'What?' and blushed uncomfortably.  
  
"Nothing, just thinking aloud," I mumbled, staring at my hands as they gripped the controls.   
  
"Heero, you okay?" Duo's concerned voice asked, and I glanced at his image.   
  
"Sure. A little tired, I guess."   
  
"You didn't sleep last night."  
  
"Not... really."  
  
"You are going to bed as soon as we land." His voice held a firm, determined tone that I'd learned not to argue with. When Duo decides he wants something, he gets it. I sighed and nodded meekly.  
  
"Alright, love."   
  
"Good boy." He grinned at me, eyes sparkling with mischief, and I couldn't help but smile back. 


	15. Chapter Fifteen

Notes: This is kinda short, but very important, so you really need to read it. I would like to say that I did not intend for this to happen, it surprised the hell out of me, and I can go two ways with the story. Please read the chapter and then the author notes at the end. Enjoy and review!   
  
The safe house was a little cabin in the woods, with a living room, a tiny kitchen, a bathroom that had a toilet, sink and shower with no hot water, and two bedrooms. That meant that Wufei would be sharing with me and Duo.   
  
This usually wouldn't be a problem, but I still wasn't sure how I felt about him loving Duo. He was too honourable to try and take him away from me, I knew that, but... it kinda made me feel weird. Not really angry, but... weird. Duo seemed oblivious, and I wondered whether or not to tell him. I don't think Wufei wanted him to know, but I also thought that Duo had a right to.   
  
True to his word, and mine I guess, Duo put me straight to bed with a promise to check on me in ten minutes and if I wasn't sleeping, I'd be very, very sorry. So, I was given plenty of time to think about what to do with Wufei.   
  
I was new at this relationships thing, okay? I understood the basic principals, and I knew that when you found out one of your best friends loves your boyfriend, you're supposed to get angry and jealous and possibly hit him. But I didn't want to hit him because I wasn't angry or jealous.   
  
There was the possibility of a threesome, but that only worked if all three people were either attracted and or in love. I thought Wufei was handsome, but didn't want to act upon it, and I certainly wasn't in love with him. To my knowledge, neither was Duo. But... what if he was? I knew Duo loved me, I had no doubt of that, but what if he loved Wufei as well? What if he wanted Wufei more than me? What if he wanted both Wufei and me? Would I be able to handle that? I loved Duo more than anything, but was that love strong enough to share him with someone else?   
  
"You are supposed to be sleeping," Duo's annoyed voice said, and I smiled ruefully as he sat down on the bed. "What'cha thinkin' about so hard?"   
  
"Um.... Duo, what do you think about Wufei?"  
  
He managed to frown and raise his eyebrows at the same time, and said, "Huh?"  
  
"How do you feel about him?"  
  
"Well, he's one of my best friends. I mean, we argue a lot and stuff, but... I'd do a lot to save him, and I know he would for me. Why?"  
  
"Do you...." Okay, how the hell do you ask your boyfriend if he's in love with one of our best friends, and not sound stupid/ridiculous/crazy/awkward. If he didn't, then I'd look all of the above, but if he did... "I want to ask you a question and you have to promise me that you'll tell the complete and total truth, okay?"  
  
He frowned again. "I'd never lie, Heero, especially to you."  
  
"Alright. Do you... are you attracted to Wufei?"  
  
The question surprised him enough that he didn't have time to edit his response, and though it contained some very colourful words, it didn't give me an answer, so I waited patiently for him to calm down a little.  
  
"Heero," he said, his voice still holding an edge of hysteria. "What made you ask that?"  
  
"Just answer it, please."  
  
"Um... you won't get pissed?" He got that hesitant and confused look that makes him look totally cute, and I smiled, brushing his cheek with the back of my hand.  
  
"No, love, I won't get pissed."  
  
"Well... I think he's handsome, and... well, I like him, and... if I wasn't with you, then yeah, I could see myself with him, but I don't know how far it would go."  
  
"Do you love him?"  
  
"In the friendship sense, of course. In the romantic sense... no. But I could see myself developing those feelings."   
  
"I see."   
  
"Heero, what's this all about?"   
  
Okay, I had my answer, sort of, but now what? Did I a) tell him how Wufei felt and ask him what to do, b) not tell him and ask Wufei what he wanted to do, or c) not tell anyone and forget the entire thing?   
  
I really, really hated confusing relationships.   
  
Duo was still waiting for my answer, and I sighed, coming to a decision and hoping it was the right one.  
  
"It's just... something I wanted to know. I'm really tired now, love, so I'm going to go to sleep for a bit, alright?"   
  
He frowned, obviously not happy with my answer but willing to let it go, and kissed me goodnight, making me promise to actually sleep this time or he would knock me unconscious if he had to.   
  
~*~  
  
Wufei was practising his katas outside, and for a moment, I just watched him. I don't know why, but I was suddenly struck by how handsome he was. He was wearing just a loose pair of jeans, and his chest glistened with sweat. His muscles were hard and firm, his stomach flat and taut. His hair was falling out of its tight ponytail, thin strands framing his face, softening his features. His onyx eyes were distant with concentration, and I knew that he was going to that place where deep meditation took him. Every move he made, every sweep of his arms, every twist and steep of his feet, were grace personified, the kind of grace that dancers and cats have. He was... breathtaking.   
  
Then he felt my attention and stopped, blinking and focusing on me. He frowned slightly, and I coughed behind my hand.   
  
"I didn't want to disturb you," I muttered, and he thankfully took that as truth.  
  
"Something wrong?"  
  
"Not... really, I just needed to talk to you."   
  
He raised an eyebrow and waited. I glanced back at the house, painfully aware that any of the others could be listening, even Duo. With that in mind, I led him in the direction of the Gundams, putting distance between us and the safe house. He followed without a word, patient as always. When we reached the Gundams, I perched on Wing's foot and looked at him for another long moment.  
  
"I don't know how to be subtle about this, Wufei, that's not really my specialty, so just hear me out, alright?"  
  
He was clearly confused now, but nodded slowly. "Alright."   
  
"Alright." I took a deep breath and then just blurted it out. "I know you love Duo."  
  
Wufei is not the sort of man to swear casually. Sure, he'll insult you and threaten you, but swear words aren't really his thing. They're too... crude, to unsophisticated. But occasionally, he will get pissed or shocked enough to swear. This was one of those times.   
  
"Holy shit! Heero, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to... I mean, I... aw, fuck it!"  
  
I smiled despite myself. "Wufei, I asked you to hear me out, and I'm not finished yet."  
  
He was still confused, but also wary, probably wondering why I hadn't decked him. I noticed him subtly shift his footing, giving him a firmer stance, the better to defend himself. I smiled at that, because I don't think he even realised he'd done it.  
  
"I'm not pissed, alright? I want to get that clear right now. I mean, I love him, so I can see why you love him as well. So I'm not gonna hit you or threaten you or anything. And I am definitely not going to tell you to keep away from Duo. You're one of his best friends, and you leaving would hurt him, a lot, and I, obviously, don't want that."  
  
"Then... what do you want?"  
  
Ah that was the question now, wasn't it? I hesitated for a moment, choosing my wording carefully.  
  
"I want... to give him a choice. I've talked to him about this, subtly for once and he doesn't know why, and he told me that he a) finds you attractive and b) might be interested in dating you. All I want is his happiness, Wufei, that's all I've ever wanted. Naturally, I'd be ecstatic if he was happy with me, but that's secondary. If he's happy with you, I'll let him go."  
  
Something strange happened with his expression and he whispered in an almost reverent voice, "You'd do that?"   
  
"Yeah, I'd do that. I wouldn't be happy, but I'd do it. However, I know he loves me, as much as I love him, so I can't really see us splitting up."  
  
"Where is this going, Yuy?"  
  
Now or never. I took a deep breath and let it out. I had been thinking of this for over a day, and still wasn't sure. I hoped this went alright. "I want you to tell him how you feel, and then I'll ask him what he wants to do."  
  
"Meaning?" Wufei asked, clearly confused.  
  
"Meaning, if he wants to... see you as well as me."  
  
Shock swept over his face, and I'm pretty sure he would have sworn again if it wasn't so undignified.  
  
"He might say no," I said hurriedly, not wanting to get his hopes up. "But... I want him to have the choice. If he says yes, then I'll share him. If he says no... everyone stays friends. Alright?"   
  
It took him a moment to speak, and even then it was with difficulty. "I don't... think I can tell him."  
  
"You have to, Wufei, because if you don't, you'll always wonder what his answer would've been."  
  
I had him there, and he finally nodded, though he still looked just a little scared at the notion. I sympathised, it had taken me months to even admit to myself that I loved Duo.  
  
We decided to talk to Duo after dinner, and I left him to 'run checks on Nataku'. I smiled, watching him climb into the cockpit and shut out the world.   
  
If Duo did say yes, then this was going to be... interesting.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Notes: Okay, people, it's decision time. I have, over the weeks writing this chapter, decided on many directions for this fic to take and have not settled on a single one. So, I'm leaving it up to you. I would appreciate it if you could kindly review and tell which of the three options given you would like.  
  
1) Duo says no and this fic stays a simple 1x2x1  
  
2) Duo says yes and starts dating Wufei, love a possibility to be decided later, making it a 1x2x1 2+5+2  
  
3) Duo says yes and starts dating Wufei and forms a nice threesome, making it a 1x2x5 


	16. Chapter Sixteen

Notes: Yes, I have made my decision on where this story is going and if you read the reviews given for the last chapter, you can probably guess what that decision is. Before you read this, I want you to know that thanks to some of the comments people gave me, I realised that this could very easily degrade into something crap, and I really don't want that. Having Wufei enter the relationship is not going to weaken the relationship between Heero and Duo. Nothing could ever do that. This is not going to be a cheesy love triangle, it is going to be about a strong, steady relationship filled with love and passion and trust that just happens to include three people.   
  
Anyway, Duo will find out what's going on next chapter, and this chapter is just about how Duo's coping with being back at a safe house and establishing the very first hints of romance between Heero and Wufei. Enjoy and review!  
  
Duo was quiet at dinner, and that worried me. He seemed almost... timid. I really didn't think he was dealing very well with being back at a safe house, and I didn't know what to do. So I was quiet, too, just eating and watching Duo. I also glanced occasionally at Wufei, who didn't really seem to be eating much, just fidgeting in his chair. Add in the fact that Trowa was a naturally quiet person, and only Quatre was left to break the silence. He tried, I'll give him that, but eventually he too gave up and just ate his dinner.  
  
So after a very quiet, very tense dinner, Duo mumbled something about taking a shower and fled. I glanced at Wufei and we went into the bedroom we both shared with Duo.   
  
"Maybe we should postpone this," Wufei blurted as soon as the door was closed. "He seems very sad, perhaps this isn't the best time."   
  
I sighed and sat down on one of the beds. "I don't know how to handle this," I muttered. "I mean, what the hell can I do? He's still recovering, he won't be able to go into combat for ages, but... he could get a mission any moment. And he knows that. Dammit, as long as he's on call, he'll be worrying about his problems instead of trying to overcome them! Damn this stupid fucking war!"   
  
"This war was damned a long time ago," Wufei said bitterly. "Look, Heero, just... give him some time. Let him get used to being back for a few days, and then we can tell him."   
  
"I don't like waiting..."   
  
"Neither do I, but now really isn't the time."   
  
I had to admit that he was right. Duo was... off-centre right now. The last thing he needed was to find out that Wufei loved him and I was willing to share him with the Chinese pilot.   
  
"Aright, we'll wait," I said quietly, lying down and staring up at the ceiling. "But... I still don't know what to do in the meantime. We've been out of action for two weeks, there's got to be a lot of missions we have to do. I don't know how he'll react to me being gone. And if he gets a mission himself... I think, in a little while, he might be able to handle a simple infiltration mission if it doesn't require killing, but..."  
  
"Unless the missions specifically require the stealth equipment unique to Deathscythe, I'm sure one of us can take it instead."  
  
That was a good idea, the best one I could see in fact, but Duo wouldn't like it. It would make him feel weak and useless, he'd hate the fact that he was causing his friends to put themselves in danger to protect him.   
  
"Oh we're idiots!"  
  
I blinked at Wufei's sudden exclamation and raised my head to look at him. He blushed slightly, but still continued to look very annoyed.  
  
"When all this crap first started, you declared Duo unfit for duty indefinitely. We're back at work, but he's not."  
  
Oh yeah, I had done that. Why had I forgotten? "Well, that's something at least..."   
  
"Just don't let him get too depressed," Wufei said. "Keep reminding him that he is getting better."   
  
"I can try, but... you know how stubborn he is."   
  
Wufei snorted and I knew without looking at him that he was smiling. "Yeah, stubborn and proud."   
  
"Sounds like someone else I know."   
  
"Not really. He's a lot stronger than I am."   
  
"I wouldn't say that."   
  
"I would. I'm not sure I could have survived the... trauma he is suffering from. I think it would have broken me."  
  
"It did break him," I said softly, shuddering at the memory of how Duo had clung to me, lost in horrific memories. "But he's finding ways to put himself back together."   
  
"With your help. I don't think he would be as far along as he is without you, Heero. Without you, I think he would've stayed broken."   
  
There was a short pause while I digested that, and then Wufei spoke again, his voice layered with tones of shame, fear, doubt, and need.   
  
"Maybe I shouldn't tell him."   
  
My response was immediate. "Fuck that."   
  
I stood up and walked three paces so that I was barely inches away from him. I stared into his dark, dark eyes and the thought hit me that we were close enough to kiss. I blinked and mentally stared at that thought. Since when did I want to kiss Wufei?   
  
I remembered that I had wanted to tell him something and struggled to remember what it was. It was strange, but being so close to him was like being close to Duo. I was all... confused. I couldn't think straight.   
  
"You, uh... you, um, have to... uh..."  
  
Some part of my mind said that I should take a few steps back, get some distance. Perhaps a few miles. But I couldn't. I was frozen. I could smell the faint scent of sandalwood from his shampoo, could feel his breath tickling across my skin. He was just so close....   
  
It was the sound of the shower turning off that jerked me back to my senses. I blinked and shook my head, taking several steps back. Wufei looked just as dazed and confused as I was, and I had to wonder: what the hell was going on?  
  
Duo was just wearing his black jeans when he walked into the room, the rest of his clothes a bundle under his arm. He had obviously quickly towel dried his hair, and a towel was slung around his shoulders to catch any drips. His skin was still beaded with water and slightly flushed. He looked gorgeous. A glance at Wufei showed that he thought so too.  
  
Duo blinked and frowned at us. "Uh, guys, something wrong?" he asked, an edge to his voice saying that he expected bad news.   
  
I coughed to clear my throat and forced a smile. "No, nothing, Wufei just wanted to tell me that he was going into town and wanted to know if there was anything I needed."  
  
"Oh. Okay."   
  
"Is there anything you wanted, Duo?" Wufei asked, and Duo thought about it for a moment.   
  
"Um, some more shampoo, I think, I'm running low."   
  
"Alright. I'll be back in a couple of hours."   
  
Duo waited until Wufei had left before turning to me, a curious expression on his face. "What else was going on in here?"   
  
I blinked, too surprised by the question to actually hide my surprise. Sometimes, I forgot how perceptive my Duo is. I hesitated, not knowing what to say. I didn't want to lie to him, but I couldn't exactly tell him the truth, especially since I wasn't all that sure of the truth. I settled for a half-truth.  
  
"He was worried about you, we both were. You were... quiet at dinner."  
  
"Oh." He looked away from me and pulled on his tee shirt, grabbing his brush and sitting down on the bed. He began to brush his hair and ignored both me and my unasked question.   
  
I settled down on the bed beside him, touching his arm. "Duo, love, please talk to me."   
  
He sighed and began tugging the brush through his damp hair with more force than was necessary. Seeing that he was hurting himself, I took the brush from him and moved to sit behind him. I began to brush his hair and waited patiently for his answer.   
  
"I guess I didn't think how much this would affect me," he eventually said, his voice soft and timid. "Being back here... I can't ignore the fact that someday I'm going to... kill again."   
  
"Is there anything I can do?"   
  
"... I don't think so. I think I just have to... get used to it."   
  
"You know I'm here for you, right?"  
  
"I know. I don't think I could do this without you, Heero. You're my strength."   
  
I temporarily abandoned the brush to hug him tightly, pressing my body against his back. He leaned his head back on my shoulder and placed a light kiss on my jaw. I don't know where the urge to hold him suddenly came from, but it swept through me like a crashing wave. I just needed to be close to him, to feel him against me, to reassure myself that he was real, that he was in my arms.   
  
"Heero," Duo said in a voice that trembled with emotion, "Tell me you love me."  
  
"I love you, Duo."   
  
"Tell me again."  
  
"I love you, Duo, more than anything in the entire world. I'll love you with my last breath."  
  
He somehow managed to turn around and pin me to the bed without breaking my embrace, and I suddenly found myself with a shaking American lying on top of me, pressing kisses to my neck and collarbone.   
  
"I love you," he murmured between kisses. "You're my everything. I can't do this without you. Oh, God, I love you so much. Your mine, right? All mine?"  
  
"Yes, Duo, I'm yours."   
  
"And I'm yours, right? Tell me I'm yours."   
  
There was something desperate in his voice, something I didn't understand. But I didn't really need to understand it, did I?  
  
"Yes, Duo," I whispered, kissing his neck. "You're mine."   
  
A shudder ran through his body and he collapsed on top of me. It kinda made it hard to breathe, but was I really going to complain? No, I just held him and stroked his hair and waited for whatever was going on inside him to pass.   
  
"I'm sorry," he muttered, rather predictably. I smiled and held him tighter.  
  
"Nothing to be sorry for, love." He shivered at the nickname, and I had to wonder at this new timid side of him.   
  
"I just... I want to belong, Heero, to have someone own me, take care of me."   
  
The words and emotion behind them burned my heart and I realised suddenly that Duo had always been alone, always had to take care of himself. He had been abandoned by everyone in his life and forced to make it on his own.   
  
And I wanted to take care of him. Oh, God, I really did want to. I wanted to shelter and protect him and care for him.   
  
"You belong to me, Duo," I whispered into his hair, and he shivered again. 


	17. Chapter Seventeen

Notes: Well, three things happen in this chapter: Heero gets a mission, Duo finds out about Wufei, and Heero realises how he feels about Wufei. And sorry for the cliff-hanger, I just couldn't resist. Enjoy and review!  
  
It is a mark of the complete unfairness of our lives that I was the first one to receive a mission. The familiar chime of my laptop seemed alien and somehow threatening. I glanced at Duo and saw him studying his bowl of cereal as if his life depended on it.   
  
I sighed and went to answer the email. It was a simple infiltration-extraction, stealing some data off a computer at a base around sixty miles away. One hour there, spend the day scouting out the place, sneak in at night, and drive back first thing in the morning. Easy, short, low risk but high-priority.   
  
But it would mean leaving Duo. I had not been away from him for more than two hours and even then it was at his request. I didn't know how he would react to my being gone, and on a mission no less. His mind would probably understand that it was a low-risk mission and the chance of getting hurt was minimal, but his heart....   
  
"Dammit," I whispered to the empty bedroom. I couldn't leave him, nor did I want to. How could I be expected to leave him now, when he was just starting to adjust to being a Gundam pilot?   
  
My head knew that I had to go, that the mission needed to be handled by a stealth expert and a good computer hacker, and that our little team had two such experts. Me and Duo. So if Duo didn't go, I had to. But dammit, I couldn't leave him!   
  
I suppose I was being selfish, that I should have been thinking of the war and my duty, but I couldn't just ignore everything and everyone else like I used to. Duo had shown me what it was like to be human and I couldn't just disregard those sweet lessons.   
  
So, what was I to do? Refuse an important, easy mission and stay with my love, or take the mission and just hope that he would be alright on his own.  
  
And that was when it hit me.   
  
Duo didn't have to be alone, not anymore. He could have Wufei with him. If, of course, he said yes to our proposal. Which I thought he would. But he might not. And if he said no, things would always be different between him and Wufei.   
  
"That's the third time you've sighed in under a minute," a dry voice said, and I turned to find Wufei leaning in the doorway. I quirked my lips in a mirthless grin, and he returned the gesture, moving to sit on his bed.  
  
"Can someone else handle the mission?" he asked softly, and I shook my head.  
  
"It'll require some serious skill in stealth and hacking, the kind of skill on Duo and I have. You're good at sneaking into places, and you might be able to get in if you were lucky, but you wouldn't be able to hack the computer. Either I go or Duo does. Or no one does, but that's not really an option."   
  
"Can it be postponed at all?"  
  
"No, high-priority. I leave tomorrow morning."  
  
He shook his head and muttered a Chinese curse under his breath. "This is going to really hurt Duo."  
  
".... Only if he thinks he's alone."  
  
Wufei looked at me sharply, and I saw an edge of fear in his onyx eyes. He knew what I meant by that comment, but wanted to deny it.   
  
"If we tell him, he'll have you," I said quietly, still not completely sure about my decision. "I don't want to leave him alone, 'Fei, I don't think I can. But, if he has you, I think I could go on this stupid mission."   
  
"Heero, I.... I'm not sure I can."  
  
"If you don't tell him, you'll always wonder."   
  
"Tell me what?"   
  
We both jumped and looked at the door to find Duo watching us. He looked curious, head cocked to one side, but I knew it was a mask, knew that he was hiding from me. From us.   
  
"You guys needed to tell me something?" he asked, and I tried very hard to unfreeze my brain. Duo frowned, eyes flicking from me to Wufei and back again. "Guys, what's going on?"   
  
I cleared my throat and tried to school my expression into something calm and relaxed. I think I failed.   
  
"Uh, it's uh... Duo, there's something you need to know."   
  
"Alright..."   
  
"Why don't you sit down?"  
  
He was clearly suspicious, and just a little afraid, and decided to just lean against the wall rather than sit on the bed. I took a deep breath and tried to decide just how in the hell I was going to say this.  
  
"Duo, I... um, remember that talk we had about how you felt about Wufei?"   
  
The suspicion in his eyes and body language shot up, and he glanced nervously at Wufei. "Yeah?"   
  
"Um... well the reason I asked was... I wanted to know because... because...."   
  
"Because I love you."  
  
Well, thank God one of us could say it.   
  
Duo's eyes went so wide I thought they would pop out of his head, and he seemed to have stopped breathing. I hurriedly continued before he a) passed out or b) ran away.  
  
"And I'm okay with that, him loving you, and you said that you might be interested in dating him, and I just want you to be happy, and if you say yes then it means that you won't be alone if I have to go on a mission and that he can help you work out your problems as well and... well it's up to you."   
  
I glanced uncertainly at Wufei and found him firmly studying his shoes, a light blush tinting his cheeks. I looked back at Wufei and found him still staring at Wufei. I let the silence build for approximately four minutes and thirty-seven seconds.   
  
"Duo? Please say something?"   
  
He turned to look at me and some of the shock left his face to be replaced by anger. "You... you bastard! How could you fucking do this to me? Now? You choose to tell me this NOW? Goddamit, Heero, do you have no fucking common sense? I am on the verge of a mental breakdown and I have just found out that you are leaving me to possibly go get killed and you choose NOW to tell me that my best friend happens to love me and that you don't mind sharing me with him?"   
  
All of this was screamed at the top of his voice and I winced, looking at the floor. I knew it had been probably the worst time to mention this, but I just didn't want to leave him alone. Surely that made it a little more okay?   
  
Duo gave an inarticulate scream and I had the vague impression that he was waving his arms in the air, but couldn't see because my eyes were on the floor. Then he was storming out of the room and house, slamming every door on the way.   
  
I sighed and looked at Wufei. He didn't look any happier than I did. He looked at me with something very... painful in his eyes.  
  
"I guess that was the best reaction we could have expected," he said quietly, and I nodded.  
  
"I'd go after him, but... I don't think he'd appreciate it."   
  
"Some things need to be handled alone."  
  
"Doesn't make it any easier."   
  
"How long do you think it'll be before he returns?"  
  
"I just hope he does return," I muttered, which was perhaps not the best thing to say, but still the truth. Duo had a tendency to run far, far away when things got really, seriously bad. I didn't think he would leave, but I wasn't completely certain.   
  
One of us sighed. I think it was Wufei, but it might have been me. I looked across at Wufei and saw him tug the band out of his hair. It fell free, sliding forward to frame his face, black as raven's wings. He really was a very handsome man.   
  
I blinked. Not only at the thought, but the feelings it caused. It was sort of a warm tingly feeling, the kind of feeling I got when I looked at Duo. Did I like Wufei? I mean, I knew he was gorge-I mean good looking, and he was one of my best friends, but did I like him like I liked Duo? That couldn't be right.   
  
The analyst in me had to take a moment to review the situation. I loved Duo. I wanted Duo to be happy. I knew Wufei loved Duo. I knew Duo liked Wufei. I didn't mind sharing Duo with Wufei. Because I wanted him to be happy. But what if I had other reasons for making this proposal? What if... I wanted Wufei?   
  
I glanced at Wufei again and tried to picture him naked. Having seen him shirtless plenty of times, that was no problem. The hardened muscles, the slender waist, the golden skin, the dark hair... oh I had no problems imagining a naked Wufei. And I had no problems feeling what it did to me.   
  
A wave of heated desire swept over me and I shuddered, forcing my mind away from pictures of a naked Wufei.   
  
Well this was surprising.   
  
"You look shocked," Wufei said quietly, moving to rest his elbows on his knees, a very relaxed position that just happened to mean that his hair slid forward to hide his face. I had to resist the urge to reach out and tuck his hair behind his ear.   
  
"Wufei, can I ask you a... personal question?"  
  
He glanced at me through the curtain of his hair and I saw a slight frown creasing his brow. "I suppose... is it about Duo?"  
  
"No it's... about me?"  
  
"About you?"  
  
"Yeah. Um, how do you... if Duo says yes, then there's a high possibility that we'll be in... intimate situations with each other. Does that... is that okay?"  
  
I could tell I surprised him with the question, and he turned his head to glance out the window. I let the silence build, content to wait for his answer because I knew he was thinking about it seriously. That was one of the things I liked about him. He might not be the most spontaneous person in the world, not like Duo, but whatever he did, he did it with thought and passion and... maybe love?   
  
"I don't think I'd mind that," he said quietly after a while, turning to look at me again. He reached up and tucked his hair behind his ear, giving me an unobstructed view of his face. "I have to admit, you're very handsome, and you're strong and courageous and dedicated and passionate.... There's very little about you that I don't like. Why do you ask?"  
  
Confession time. "Well I just realised that... I don't mind being intimate with you. In fact, I... think I'd kind of like it."   
  
I held my breath and waited to see what his response would be. 


	18. Chapter Eighteen

Notes: This is a very short chapter, and I'm sorry, but it was incredibly difficult to write. I knew what I wanted to say but just couldn't find the words, so after agonising over this for days and changing all the little details I was unhappy with, I decided to post it. I hope it's alright, because i honestly don't think i can write it any better.  
  
Notes2: I am in the middle of writing a side-story about what Duo thinks about when he walks around after leaving at the end of the last chapter. It's not necessary to read it, but it would give you a better insight into what Duo's feeling. Anyway, enjoy and review!  
  
He opened his mouth, and then shut it without saying anything. I tried to read his face, yet all I saw was shock. I couldn't tell if he was angry or happy or just confused. All I knew was that I'd surprised him.  
  
I found myself getting very... uncertain. Expressing my emotions had always been hard for me, and this was a lot more important than just admitting that I liked watching old black-and-white movies. What if I'd made a huge mistake? What if he was only interested in Duo? What if I had ruined things forever?   
  
A part of my mind informed the rest of me that he'd already said he wouldn't mind being in intimate situations with me, and that he found me handsome, but the rest of my mind told that little part to shut the hell up, he could have changed his mind, dammit!   
  
I blushed uncomfortably and looked away as he continued to stare at me. "Saying something would be appreciated," I muttered, and I think it made him realise that he'd done nothing but stare for just under two whole minutes.  
  
"Uh... well, you surprised me. Um... oh, wow. Sorry, I'm just... surprised." He took a deep breath and closed his eyes for a moment. I knew he was centering himself, focusing his mind. When he opened his eyes, they were filled with a curious seriousness.   
  
"I thought you were completely devoted to Duo," he said quietly, and I blinked.   
  
"I am! Duo is...." I hesitated, struggling to verbalise something that I only half understood. Duo was my world, he was my everything, but... I couldn't just ignore my feelings for Wufei, now that I realised they were there. I still loved Duo and always would, he would always own my heart, but... well I starting to think that maybe Wufei would like to co-own my heart. I eventually managed to say, "My love for Duo is not diminished in any way by my attraction to you."   
  
"Attraction," he repeated, watching me closely. "Not love?"  
  
I blushed, scraping at a spot of dirt on the floor with my foot. It wasn't love, I knew that, but it wasn't just lust either. I wasn't sure what the hell it was that I was feeling, something stronger than basic attraction but not quite love. "No, not love. But... well, I think it's a... possibility."   
  
This was really uncomfortable. Here I was, baring my soul, answering all his questions with nothing but the complete truth because that's what he deserved, and I had no idea how he felt about my answers. It was really not fair.   
  
"Does Duo know about this attraction?"  
  
"No. I only realised yesterday. When we... were so close." I peeked at him through my bangs, to see him smile faintly at the memory.  
  
"Ah yes."   
  
"Wufei... could you please tell me you don't hate me?"  
  
He looked surprised. Again. "Why would I hate you?"  
  
"For... liking you."   
  
"Heero, that's ridiculous. I would never hate someone because of their emotions."  
  
"But... look, could you just tell me that I haven't really screwed everything up."  
  
"Alright. You haven't really screwed everything up. I was just surprised, but now.... I think I proved when we... were close yesterday, that I am not unable to find you attractive."  
  
Actually, I hadn't known that. I'd only been aware of the dizzying emotions in my own heart, and hadn't been able to focus on him all that much. I found that I desperately wanted to know what he had felt. "How did... I mean, what... did you feel?"  
  
He smiled softly, I think at my floundering, but I couldn't be bothered to glare at him for it. "I felt... well, I don't think I felt much. I was just very hypersensitive to you. I was acutely aware of your pulse and your breath, of how very close you were... your lips..."   
  
I blushed again, strangely embarrassed by his words. He chuckled at my reaction, and I glared at him. If he even hinted at the word 'cute' I was going to do something very painful to him.   
  
"I need coffee," I muttered, not because I had a sudden caffeine craving, but because I wanted out of this... uncomfortable situation. Wufei gave me a look that said he knew exactly what I was doing, but he let it go.   
  
Trowa was in the kitchen, playing a game of cards on his laptop, but Quatre wasn't there, and I couldn't hear him upstairs.  
  
"Where's Quatre?" Wufei asked, as I got out two cups from the cupboard.  
  
"Out looking for Duo to make sure he actually comes back. Your timing could have been better, you know."   
  
I winced, and Wufei sighed, but neither of us said anything. We made coffee in silence and I wandered into the living room to watch the news. OZ were opening a new base in Colorado, some military person from Prague had mysteriously 'vanished', a hotshot baseball player had announced his retirement, and an OZ base in Connecticut had been 'the misfortunate target of a brutal terrorist attack'. I smiled and silently said thank you and well done to Sally.   
  
"Hm, I doubt Sally had the resources to get from America to Prague in two days without attracting attention, so who could have stolen that General?" Wufei asked, sitting down in the armchair.   
  
"I don't know. We're not the only ones fighting secretly, but that General was highly guarded. Whoever it was, they have talent. I'll ask Dr. J about it later."   
  
"Hm."   
  
Silence fell, and I couldn't help but glance at the clock on the wall. Half an hour. He'd been gone half an hour. My mind said that it wasn't that long, that he would probably need a lot more than that to calm down and think properly, but my heart... my heart wanted to go out and find him, make sure he was alright and that he still loved me.  
  
Like so many times lately, my head and my heart wanted two different things. I knew this conflict would arise on many occasions in the future, and I just hoped I was able to make the right decisions. 


	19. Chapter Nineteen

Notes: I hate this chapter. Unfortunately, I don't think I can write it any better, and it does need to be written. I'm hoping that the nice sidefic I just posted about Duo's thoughts and emotions makes up for the crappiness that is this chapter. And Heero's leaving next chapter, so expect much sappiness and angst! Enjoy and review!   
  
It was just after lunchtime when Duo returned. He looked a little nervous. Maybe a lot nervous. Okay, so he looked friggin' scared. He glanced back at Quatre, who smiled and nodded. I looked at Wufei, and though he tried to hide it, I could tell that he was very nervous. I couldn't deny feeling a certain amount of nervousness myself.  
  
"Alright, gentlemen, let's take this up to the bedroom," Quatre said, and it was clear that he was coming too. I blinked, but a glance at Duo made me stay silent. So we all trooped upstairs to the bedroom, with Quatre firmly closing the door and then leaning against the wall. Duo immediately went to the window and perched on the sill, while Wufei and I sat on the two beds.   
  
"There are-There are gonna be some ground rules," Duo said, his voice quiet and not all that steady. "The first is... no pressure. I can't handle any more pressure right now, so if I say no, whatever's going on stops. Alright?"  
  
I had expected this, and was actually pleased with it. This was about Duo, after all, about making him happy. I wouldn't do something that upset him, and I knew Wufei wouldn't either, so we quickly voiced our agreement. Duo nodded and seemed to gain a little more confidence.  
  
"Okay, next rule is, n-no secrets. We have to be completely honest, or whatever's going to happen isn't going to. Right?"  
  
"I would never lie to you, Duo," I said, frowning slightly, and he glanced at me, before returning to his study of the floorboards.  
  
"I know. But you would hide things from me. You'll keep things back. You both will. That can't... can't be allowed. I can't feel like... like I don't know what's going on with you."  
  
"Alright. I agree."  
  
"So do I."  
  
"Okay." He paused, sneaking another glance at Wufei. "Next rule is, is that... Wufei, you... you understand that..."  
  
"That you can't have the level of intimacy that Duo shares with Heero," Quatre said, and I saw Duo give him a grateful look. "You'll have to work at your relationship, Wufei, and you'll be patient and understanding or it will all fall apart."  
  
"I know that!"  
  
"Just checking. Go on, Duo."  
  
"Right." He licked his lips and glanced at us both before continuing. He seemed to lose what little confidence he'd gained, becoming scared and defensive again, and I had to wonder about what this next rule was going to be. "I have to... I have to, um... know what, uh... the uh... mechanics... um... what..."   
  
Once again, Quatre took over, speaking in that calm, firm voice, "He has to know what you feel about each other, and how you're going to share. Is your relationship going to be two overlapping couples, or a true threesome? We have to know that before you can assure Duo that you aren't going to be possessive jerks who get insanely jealous for no apparent reason."   
  
From the way Duo flushed at that last statement, I guessed that Duo had been very worried about how we would act towards each other. I hesitated. "Um.... Well we've been talking about that, and, uh... we're not quite sure what our feelings are. We find each other attractive, and we're not completely opposed to... being intimate, but we're not really sure about a relationship. But we can say right now that we will never act like possessive jerks who get insanely jealous for no apparent reason. We just want you to be happy."   
  
He had to think about that for a moment, chewing his lip and fiddling with the end of his braid. After a while he nodded. "Good enough, I suppose, but... when you do get sure, you tell me, right?"  
  
"Of course. Next rule?"  
  
"Um... I think that's it for now. Is... that okay?"  
  
Wufei snorted. "Of course it is, Duo, we'd have said if it wasn't. The rules are fair and very clear. We'll not break them."  
  
"Well... good."   
  
"I think I'll leave you alone now," Quatre said. "Duo, remember what I said, alright?"   
  
Duo smiled, the first real, warm smile since he'd returned. "I will. Thanks, Quat. You're amazing."  
  
"I know." Then he left, and we were alone together.   
  
I looked at Wufei, and saw that he was equally as nervous. He kept flicking glances at Duo, and then looking at his hands. I think he was having a little trouble comprehending the fact that he was Duo's boyfriend now.   
  
Duo's boyfriend.   
  
Hm.   
  
That sounded funny when it was about Duo and not me.   
  
Then I thought about what Quatre had said about how Wufei would have to build a relationship with Duo, and realised that he was right. They wouldn't have the instant intimacy that I had with Duo, because the circumstances then had been rather extreme.   
  
Well, I might as well give them a little push in the right direction.   
  
I stood up and took the few steps required to bring me to Duo, touching his chin to force him to look at me.   
  
"I'm going to go take a shower, alright?"   
  
He nodded silently, and I brushed my lips against his, a gentle kiss to remind him that I was still his, that I still loved him. When I drew away, he smiled at me, and I knew that he had been worried, not sure of how I would react now that he was... Wufei's boyfriend as well.   
  
I pulled him into a comforting embrace, and whispered, "He really does love you." I felt him shiver, and drew away before he could cling to me, as I knew he would. I glanced at Wufei, and saw him carefully studying a water stain on the wall. I smirked and left them alone.   
  
The shower was divine, the hot water hitting my skin in a gloriously hard massage. I bit back a groan and surrendered myself to the water, letting the tension flow out of my body, leaving me weak and tired. I hadn't realised just how stressed I was, until I relaxed.   
  
Thoughts kept pressing at the edges of my mind, pushing and prodding, and I knew that if I thought them, I'd get tense again, so I just ignored my stupid thoughts and concentrated on the soothing feel of the water hitting my skin. At that moment, nothing existed beyond me and the shower.   
  
I don't know how long I stood there, leaning against the tile, but when I finally got around to washing my hair and scrubbing my body, the water was lukewarm and rapidly getting colder. I didn't care.   
  
As I was drying my body, I had to think about my upcoming mission. I'd be gone for a whole day, and that had never happened since his last mission. I couldn't fully predict just how much this would affect him, but I knew that it would. He would need... well, he'll need me. He'll need me to hold him and comfort him, to reassure him and protect him. And I won't be there.  
  
But Wufei would.  
  
I realised that my absence could be the thing that drew them closer together, the thing that began forming the bond between them. It wasn't specifically me that Duo needed, it was someone who loved him and that would comfort and protect him, someone who will hold him and not leave him alone. Wufei could do all that. And in doing that, it will reassure Duo that Wufei does love him.   
  
I smiled, deciding that maybe this mission wasn't such a bad thing after all. 


	20. Chapter Twenty

Notes: Sorry for the long wait, but real life has been a bitch lately. Anyway, I figured that I couldn't keep playing on the confusion between Wufei and Heero or you would lose interest, so this chapter serves as the changing point in their relationship and includes their first kiss. Yay! The song is called Sweetest Sin by Jessica Simpson. And I wouldn't really call it lime, but Heero gets some nice fantasy images in his head, so if you can't handle three guys getting together (though you should have read my earlier warnings if you can't) you shouldn't be reading this. Enjoy and review!   
  
Being emotionally exhausted, Duo decided to take a nap before dinner, which left us with a rather weird situation. I had to do some pre-mission stuff, checks on the area, booking myself into a hotel and other little things, yet Duo either didn't like to or couldn't sleep alone. It was a moment before we realised that Wufei could take my place. To say that Wufei was nervous would be an understatement, but thankfully, Duo seemed to have regained some of his confidence and just dragged him into the bed. Either that, or he was just tired and scared enough to have accepted comfort from anybody, but I don't think that was it.  
  
I stayed long enough to make sure they were comfortable and to reassure Duo that I'd wake them ten minutes before dinner. I paused in the doorway, and realised that looking at them curled around each other, bodies pressed tight to each other, didn't make me feel left out as I'd thought it would. Instead I felt sort of... warm.   
  
I frowned at the feeling and walked downstairs to find my laptop. I waited patiently for the small time it took to boot up and then set to work.   
  
I pulled up a detailed map of the area and marked off the target, three individual buildings with one office building, one lab area, and one building restricted for the testing of experimental machines. Then I marked the nearest hotel, as well as three different escape routes from both that would eventually lead me back here, taking several twists, turns and doubling-back. Then I clicked onto the hotel's website and booked a room for two days, using the alias of Mister James Potter.  
  
All of this took roughly twenty minutes, so I was left with a lot of time to sit and think about Duo. And Wufei. And Duo and Wufei. Basically I just thought.   
  
"You look confused," Quatre said, flopping down in the armchair, and I frowned at him. He just smiled and waited. I sighed and ran a hand through my hair, trying to order my thoughts into something that resembled coherency.   
  
"I love Duo, Quatre; I love him with my entire heart, I love him more than I thought was humanly possible. But..." I hesitated, suddenly not wanting to voice my strange and new-found attraction to Wufei, as if keeping it in my own head would somehow make it go away. Then I realised that I didn't want it to go away, that while I may not be entirely sure what I was feeling, I knew that I didn't want to stop. Which just got me more confused.  
  
I sighed and stood up, walking upstairs to check on Duo. He hadn't moved, and near as I can tell, the only movement Wufei had made was to move an arm from Duo's shoulders to his waist. I leaned in the doorway and tried to figure out exactly what my feelings were.   
  
Wufei was strong, and protective, very loyal and devoted, very intelligent and an excellent fighter, not to mention his great looks. I could certainly see why Duo liked him. But... what I was feeling wasn't just attraction. There was some warm spark inside of me that danced at the sight of him, something that reacted to him and just him.   
  
Was it possible to love two people? Could I be falling for Wufei as I had fallen for Duo? When I had proposed this arrangement, I had thought I was doing it for Duo, but... what if some part of me had just wanted an excuse to get closer to Wufei? How would Duo react to my strange emotions? Would he accept it as I accepted him liking Wufei?   
  
Duo shifted uncomfortably, a frown creasing his brow, and I tensed, watching him closely. He mumbled something that sounded suspiciously like my name and began moving his hand as if searching for something.   
  
I debated whether or not to go over and comfort him, when Wufei's arm tightened around his waist, making soothing noises. I watched as Duo slowly relaxed again, shifting a little closer to him. I smiled.  
  
*  
  
"You'll be careful, yeah?" Duo asked quietly, looking at me intensely. "You won't take any stupid risks or try and rush things? I don't care if you come back later than you want as long as you come back in one piece. I have Fei to look after me, right?"  
  
I smiled and caressed his cheek tenderly. "I'll be careful, I promise. You just look after yourself while I'm gone, and don't be afraid to lean on Wufei."  
  
He smiled and nodded, before leaning in to kiss me lovingly. I wrapped my arms around his waist and pulled him towards me, pressing my body against his. His hands were buried in my hair while my own were roaming his back.  
  
Wufei cleared his throat softly and we reluctantly parted, my hands trailing down his back as I stepped away.   
  
I looked at Wufei, suddenly unsure of how to act. A little voice in the back of my head whispered that I should kiss him, but the rest of me was nervous about a) how he would react and b) the fact that Duo was watching.  
  
Wufei smiled and said quietly, "You should go."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Be careful?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
We stared at each other for another moment before I plucked up the courage and pressed my lips against his. I drew away quickly, searching his eyes for a reaction beyond surprise. Then he smiled and captured my lips in a deeper, more passionate kiss.  
  
His kiss was different from Duo's, more of a fought fight for dominance, a fierce battle for supremacy. I growled and thrust my tongue into his mouth, taking from him what I would usually ask from Duo.  
  
After a long, hard kiss, I drew away, nipping at his lips one last time. I glanced at Duo and found him watching us with wide eyes. I blushed and touched my tingling lips, looking at Wufei to see his reaction. He looked as dazed as I felt and I smiled.   
  
"I'll see you both soon," I promised quietly and climbed into the car. I glanced at them in the rear-view mirror as I drove away and fought the urge to turn back.  
  
I turned on the radio to distract me, but the lyrics of the current song didn't help.   
  
Can you image us making love  
  
The way it would feel the first time that we touch  
  
Can you think of the way I dream it  
  
I want you to see it like I'm seeing it  
  
It's a picture of perfection  
  
The vision of you and I   
  
You lips upon my lips  
  
(Can you just picture this)  
  
Your fingertips on my fingertips  
  
You skin upon my skin  
  
Would be the sweetest sin  
  
That would be the sweetest sin, yeah  
  
All night I lay awake  
  
'Cuz it's too much to take  
  
Dreaming about the love that we could make  
  
All day I think of schemes  
  
To get you next to me  
  
I want you so bad that I can barely breathe  
  
It's a sign of my obsession  
  
That I can't stop thinkin' about  
  
Your lips upon my lips  
  
(Can you just picture this)  
  
Your fingertips on my fingertips  
  
Your skin upon my skin  
  
Would be the sweetest sin, yeah  
  
Your lips upon my lips  
  
(Can you envision it)  
  
temptation I could never resist  
  
Your skin upon my skin  
  
Would be the sweetst sin, yeah  
  
It would feel so good  
  
To be so bad  
  
You don't know how bad  
  
I want that  
  
I would do anything  
  
To feel  
  
Your lips upon my lips  
  
(Can you picture this)  
  
Your fingertips on my fingertips  
  
Your skin upon my skin  
  
Would be the sweetest sin, yeah  
  
Your lips upon my lips  
  
(Can you envision it)  
  
Your fingertips on my fingertips  
  
Your skin upon my skin  
  
Would be the sweetest sin, yeah  
  
The images it invoked in my mind made desire course through my body, crashing through me in heated waves.   
  
Ghosting kisses across creamy skin... running my fingers through luxurious golden-chestnut tresses.... brushing my fingertips down bronzed thighs... looking into dark, slanted eyes... watching as two perfect bodies writhed in pleasure....  
  
I blinked and forced myself to focus on the road, shifting uncomfortably in my seat. It wasn't the content of the images that surprised me, it was that it had felt so natural, so right.  
  
I might not love Wufei, but I definitely thought of him as more than a friend and I was definitely attracted to him. Love would follow. 


	21. Chapter Twenty One

Notes: I'm sorry for the long wait, but this chapter took a while to get right, and it is slightly longer than the other chapters, so I think that makes up for it. Things are starting to wrap up nicely now, and I only have a few more chapters to write before finishing and starting on the sequel, and I'd like to say a huge thank you to everyone who has reviewed this fic, it's got over a hundred reviews! Seriously, your support means a lot to me and I'm glad you like my fic. Anyway, enough of my babbling, enjoy and review!  
  
I was very tired when I finally arrived back at the safe house. The bullet wound in my arm stung like fire, all my muscles ached, my head was pounding, and all I wanted was to see Duo and curl up in a warm bed and sleep for a few days.  
  
I suppose part of it was my fault. I certainly didn't have to drive back immediately after my mission was completed; OZ had no idea that I was Mister James Potter of Room 214 at The Jacobson Hotel. I could have rested there for a few hours before driving back, but I didn't want to wait, didn't want to add more time to my separation from Duo. So after running out of the base, I tended to my wound, popped a couple of aspirin for my killer headache, and started the journey back.   
  
I don't remember thinking much during the time I got in the car and the time I finally caught sight of the safe house, but I do remember thinking that Duo was going to be extremely not-happy about the state I was in. Especially the wounded arm. I could practically hear him shouting about how it was supposed to be an 'easy mission' with 'low-risk' and that I would 'be fine'.   
  
But it wasn't my fault that I got wounded, one of the guards had decided to sneak into the office I was using for a little hanky-panky with a female scientist. I'd killed them, but not before he got off a shot and thus alerted everyone to my presence. I got the data and escaped, but not without a few confrontations. But the mission hadn't really gone all that bad, it just hadn't gone as well as can be expected.   
  
In a normal situation, it wouldn't really be anything to fuss about, the wound was minor and sleep would cure the aching and the lingering headache. But right now, with Duo so on edge and my new not-quite-a-relationship with Wufei, things would probably get a bit blown out of proportion.   
  
Sighing, I reached out and opened the door. It was early, probably early enough that anyone would be asleep, and I felt kind of guilty about the fact that I would wake them up. If I had been a little more awake, I could have entered silently and just slipped into bed, but I was not up to being all stealthy.   
  
I immediately heard the bed springs creak as Quatre and Trowa woke up, and the hurried footsteps from the kitchen. Two sets of footsteps. Hm.   
  
I knew exactly what would happen as soon as they caught sight of me, and I wasn't wrong. Duo spotted the way I was standing and his brain informed him that I was tired, Wufei spotted the blood-tinged bandage that was just visible through the thin sleeve of my shirt and his brain told him I was wounded, and they both told me to sit the hell down and explain what the fuck happened.   
  
I sighed again and sank gratefully onto the sofa just was Quatre and Trowa appeared, both looking tousled but alert and both carrying their guns. Trowa immediately went to fetch the med kit while Quatre went to make coffee, and a tea for himself of course.  
  
"Dammit, Heero, it was supposed to be an easy mission," Duo growled, quickly unbuttoning my shirt and slipping it off my shoulders. He hissed when he saw the bloody bandage and Wufei touched his arm, just a light brush of his fingertips, but it made a little of the tension seep out of Duo. I wondered at that, at how close they seemed. Even now, Duo was unconsciously leaning towards Wufei, seeking comfort from him because he wouldn't seek it from me.   
  
"I got surprised," I murmured, struggling to stay awake now that I knew I could fall asleep.   
  
"And you got shot," Wufei commented dryly, and I glared at him half-heartedly.  
  
"Yeah, I got shot. It's minor."  
  
"It's still a frigging wound," Duo said in that same growling tone. "You promised me you'd be alright."   
  
"I am alright," I insisted, thankful that it came out strong and forceful. "Duo, you have to admit that the wound is very superficial compared to what we're usually faced with."   
  
"I don't care about that! You said you'd be careful and you come back looking like you're about to collapse on your feet and a bloody bandage wrapped around your arm!"  
  
"It wasn't my fault, Duo, and I couldn't have prevented it. Some security guard walked in on me with a woman and I couldn't kill him fast enough to prevent getting hurt."  
  
"Was the woman a security guard?" Wufei asked, and I shook my head.  
  
"No, scientist."  
  
"Did she have a weapon?"  
  
"She barely had all her clothes on."  
  
"Then why kill her instead of the main threat first?"   
  
"Because she was in front of him."   
  
"Ah."   
  
Trowa returned with the med kit, and I realised that he had been gone for a full five minutes, which was about four minutes and fifty seconds longer than it should have taken. He glanced at me and gave me a small smirk, telling me that he had waited on his return to give me a little time with my... um, boyfriends.   
  
Working briskly but gently, he unwrapped the bandage and examined the wound. I had put as little stress on it as possible, but hadn't taken the time to do anything with it in the first place other than bandage it, so it was still seeping blood. Trowa cleaned it and stopped the bleeding before applying a couple of butterfly stitches and wrapping it in a new bandage, the white material standing out starkly against my skin.   
  
"You need sleep," he said quietly, and I snorted.  
  
"I know, but I have a report and some data to send. I can sleep in about an hour." Unfortunately, this was true. My body longed, needed, ached for sleep, but my stupid mind told me that I did have to send my report and give base the data I had stolen. The only thing that was allowed to delay reports was serious injury that prevented typing or in a pinch, dictating. A wounded arm did not fit the criteria, and neither did lack of sleep.   
  
"Oh no you don't, you are not doing a thing until you have had at least eight to ten hours sleep," Duo said sternly, glaring at me. "I don't care if base wants that data and your mission report, I want you in bed and I want you there NOW."   
  
I have learned not to argue with that look combined with that tone of voice, and most of me didn't want to, but that small part of me that always thought as the Perfect Soldier made me say, "I really do have to type up a report and send the data, Duo. One hour isn't going to kill me."  
  
"No, but I just might! Bed, Heero, and I mean right now. Come on, up." He tugged at me until I reluctantly stood up, though he kept a firm grip on my hand.   
  
I looked at Wufei to help me, hoping that we could tag-team him into letting me write my report, but found him watching me with an expression that clearly stated 'I agree with Duo and you are going to bed whether you like it or not'.  
  
So I took a deep breath, let it out slowly, and told that little voice in the back of my head that the report could freakin' well wait, I was going to sleep. Of course, the little voice objected, but I kept shouting at it until it shut the hell up. Sometimes, being not completely sane is quite entertaining.   
  
I have to admit that I very nearly groaned out load when I almost literally fell onto the bed. Apparently Duo got the idea though and couldn't seem to make up his mind whether he was amused or annoyed. Wufei just raised an eyebrow and tugged the quilt out from under me, carefully tucking me in. I immediately reached out and grabbed his hand.  
  
"Thank you," I murmured, and could see he knew that I meant for more than tucking me in. He smiled and shrugged. I smiled back and let my hand fall, clutching the quilt to my neck and rolling onto my side, snuggling down deep.   
  
I really was very tired... I'd just sleep for a little bit....   
  
"Thank you for coming back, Heero," someone whispered in my ear, and I felt a light touch on my cheek. I mumbled something and I think I smiled, but then I was gone, drifting peacefully in a pleasant nothingness.

==

I don't know how long I was asleep for, but darkness had fallen and there was someone in the room. I automatically evened my breathing to imitate sleep and opened my senses. They were on the other bed, both feet on the floor, hands working on... something, and they smelled like... soap?   
  
I opened my eyes and smiled at Duo, who was watching me closely while fiddling with the end of his braid.   
  
"You scared me," he admitted softly, and I winced, sitting up.   
  
"I'm sorry. I really am alright though."  
  
He grinned self-deprecatingly. "Yeah, I know. I just... I can't handle you not being here, and when I saw you were hurt... I just got so scared." He looked at me with fear naked in his eyes and all I had to do was hold out my arms before he was clutching at me, careful of my arm.   
  
"I'm here, baby," I murmured, stroking his back. "I'm here and I'm not going anywhere."   
  
"Just hold me," he whimpered, and I tightened my arms around him, ignoring the stabs of pain that shot through my arm. The fact that Duo didn't notice my pain told me just how deeply he was hurting.   
  
"Come on, Duo, it's alright, I'm here now," I soothed. "I'm right here and I'm fine. It's alright, Duo."   
  
He didn't respond, and I searched for a way to change the subject, to get his mind off my wound and his fears.   
  
"You seemed very close to Wufei," I noted in an absent tone, and he stilled a little. "You wanna tell me what happened while I was gone?"   
  
"Well... I don't really know. I just sorta... opened up a little, I guess. I was a bit... funny over you not being here, and he just... did that thing that you do, where he holds me and makes me feel better. After that, I realised that I could trust him, and I... just let him get close to me. It was... easy."   
  
There was a faint tone of wonderment and surprise in that last word, and I smiled, knowing how much he had feared trusting Wufei, feared getting rejected.   
  
"I told you you could trust him," I said quietly, and he nodded.  
  
"Yeah. So, how did the mission go, other than badly?"  
  
"Not all that badly, actually. It was easy, other than getting shot, and I spent most of my time... thinking."  
  
He drew back to frown at me. "That's unusual. You're usually completely focused on the mission."  
  
"Yeah, well... the mission didn't require a lot of attention. I just had to watch the building for an entire day and then sneak in."   
  
"Did ya think about anything special?"  
  
"I thought about you and Wufei mostly, so yeah, I did."  
  
He blushed at the compliment and I smiled. He really was beautiful when he blushed like that, ducking his head to avoid eye contact, the faintest hint of pink colouring his cheeks, fiddling with the end his braid.   
  
"Ya know, Wufei was worried about you, too," he murmured suddenly, and I frowned at him. He quirked a small smile and looked at me again. "He hide it well, so as not to worry me even more, but he... was a little bit worried. He doesn't just care about me, I think."   
  
I smiled softly, thinking back to the heated kiss I'd shared with Wufei just before I left, remembering the slight hint of worry in his voice as he asked me to be careful. I remembered how I had sat by the window in my hotel room, wondering what Duo was doing, what Wufei was doing, and realising that I thought of Wufei just as much as I thought of Duo. I remembered realising that it might not be love yet, but it was damned close. And I remembered thinking, when I'd been shot, not just how Duo was going to react, but how Wufei would. I remembered wondering, in that fractured instant right after the bullet touched my skin, if I would ever see them again? I remembered how their faces had flashed in my mind, both of their faces.   
  
Duo was watching me with something akin to suspicion, and I blushed, realising that I had been smiling a rather daffy smile as I thought about my thoughts.   
  
"Does Wufei know of your knew feelings?" he asked softly, a small grin tugging at the corner of his lips, and I shook my head.  
  
"I only realised myself while I was away and as soon as I got my arm bandaged I was asleep."  
  
He frowned, puzzled. "What about that twenty minutes you spent with Fei?"   
  
"Huh?"  
  
"When I left, he stayed in here for a good twenty minutes. I thought you talked."  
  
"No, I went straight to sleep." I touched my cheek, remembering someone else touching it, and suddenly realised that the voice had not been Duo's. Well, damn.   
  
"I think you and Fei need to talk," Duo said, and I nodded. I made to get out of bed, but he pushed on my shoulder to make me stay seated, saying in a firm tone, "I'll get him."   
  
So I just sat in the bed and waited. I wondered if Wufei had done as much thinking about our relationship as I had. I wondered if he had reached the same conclusions. I wondered how I'd feel if he hadn't.   
  
And then Wufei walked into the room and I stopped wondering, because for just an instant, as I first caught sight of his raven hair and his golden skin, joy and... something else, blossomed inside me, and all I could do was smile.   
  
"Duo said you had something important to tell me," he said quietly, sitting down on the bottom of the bed.   
  
I found myself, hesitating, wondering how to say that I think I might be well on my way to loving him, and fearing his reaction. I finally decided to just say it, that he had already proven he was attracted and if he didn't love me... I'd take what I could get.   
  
"Wufei, I... I think I love you." 


	22. Chapter Twenty Two

Notes: This is short, yes, but it's also important. Also, updates from me will probably become slower because I'm currently working on a HUGE fic for Lethanon's Fangue contest. The winner gets a soundtrack by her! Anyway, enjoy and review!   
  
To my surprise, Wufei just smiled and leaned forward to brush his lips against mine in a soft, tender kiss. My hand reached out to tangle in his hair, holding him to me, drawing him into a deeper, longer kiss. I felt his fingertips brush against my jaw before travelling down to trail along my throat, moving to cup the back of my neck.   
  
The kiss was different to our first, less violent and more loving, and I began to see that compassion that he hid so well. Until now, I think he hadn't trusted me enough to let down all his defences, but with my... confession, I had shown that I wouldn't hurt him.   
  
We drew away slowly, and he smiled at me, flicking my bangs out of my eyes in an oddly intimate gesture.   
  
"I think I love you too," he murmured, and I smiled back at him, my hand still buried in his unbound hair.   
  
"D'ya reckon Duo knows?" he asked, and I thought about it before realising that he probably did.   
  
"I think so." I suddenly remembered the reason Wufei was here and said, "Duo said you were in here twenty minutes after he left."   
  
Wufei blushed and looked away from my eyes. "I was... watching you sleep," he mumbled, and I raised an eyebrow. He blushed harder and began picking at a loose thread on his jeans. "You looked so... innocent, kind of. You weren't scowling or frowning or anything, you were all relaxed and... well, not defenceless, but... more vulnerable than when you're awake. You looked... handsome, and... and lonely, and I just... I couldn't look away."   
  
"Oh."   
  
"Does that... bother you?"   
  
I thought about that, and realised that far from bothering me, it actually pleased me. "No, it doesn't bother me," I said softly.   
  
He sighed in relief and smiled at me again, the blush fading. "How's your arm?"  
  
I winced, glancing at the bandage on my arm and was forced to admit, "It stings a little. I had to comfort Duo and pulled on it a little."  
  
He frowned and inspected the bandage for any signs of bleeding. He apparently found none because he left it alone. He didn't bother to offer anything for the pain as it wasn't serious enough and I wouldn't take anything even if it was. I could ignore virtually any pain, and medication messed with my head too much for me to like it. I'm something of a control freak if you didn't know.  
  
"What time is it?" I asked, glancing out the window and realising it was darker than I thought.   
  
"Nearly eleven. You slept so long, Duo was starting to get worried. He also started to get pissed-you shouldn't have pushed yourself so much. You may be the Perfect Soldier, but even you need to sleep."   
  
It was a lecture, a mild one but still a lecture, and only force of will kept me from blushing. "I know, I was just worried. I wanted to see Duo again. And you."   
  
He didn't comment on the last little bit of my explanation, but he did flash me a shy little smile.   
  
"Come on, Quatre saved some dinner for you," he said, his tone almost emotionless but not quite, it held a hint of warmth to it, the faintest edge of tenderness.  
  
My stomach growled, reminding me that I hadn't eaten, and I quirked a wry grin at Wufei, who frowned back. He refrained from comment, for which I was thankful, and we walked downstairs in silence.   
  
Duo was in the kitchen, staring intently at the microwave as if his gaze could make it heat whatever was in it faster. Quatre was sipping a tea and reading at the kitchen table, and Trowa was working at something on his laptop, frowning at the screen.   
  
"You got a mission?" I asked, and he glanced at me before shaking his head.   
  
"Reviewing old data."   
  
"Ah."   
  
"You and Fei have a nice talk?" Duo asked, not taking his eyes off the microwave. I smiled and walked over to him to hug him from behind.  
  
"Yes, we had a nice talk. Thanks for giving us a little push."  
  
"Ah, you gave him and me a little push, I was just returning the favour. You like chicken Kievs, right?"  
  
"Right."   
  
Trowa made a soft, shocked noise and we all turned to look at him. He was staring at his screen with raised eyebrows, and I could see enough of the screen to tell that he was looking at an email.  
  
"Something wrong?" Quatre asked, frowning slightly.   
  
"Uh... Heero, could I talk to you for a minute?"   
  
I frowned, not liking the tense set to his shoulders and the soft undercurrent of fear to his voice. Duo twisted his head to frown at me and I brushed my lips against his cheek before following Trowa into the living room.  
  
"What's wrong?" I asked, and he sighed, looking at me with a very odd expression.  
  
"I just got an email from Sally," he said, speaking as quietly as possible. "She says that... Duo's about to receive a mission."   
  
I blinked, unable to process those few simple words. I couldn't, wouldn't, believe it. It didn't make sense. It was impossible. Duo wasn't on active duty, he couldn't receive missions, it would break him. If he went on a mission now... physically, he'd probably survive, but mentally....   
  
There are hundreds of ways to die, and few of them actually involve death. This mission, if he took it, might be the one thing that finally destroys Shinigami. Sure, he'd eat and breathe and maybe talk, but he wouldn't be alive. He would be a shell of a person, an empty body with no mind, no spirit, no personality inside. Duo would die, and only his body would remain.   
  
"This can't be happening," someone whispered, and I was surprised to realise that it was me.   
  
"It's happening. I'm sorry."   
  
I shook my head, still trying to comprehend the fact that I might be mere moments away from seeing the death of my beautiful angel. It just wasn't possible...   
  
"Heero, he's going to get the message in about two minutes," Trowa murmured, and it was enough to snap me out of my dazed state.   
  
"Keep Quatre down here, he won't want an audience," I muttered, and we walked back into the kitchen.  
  
Duo looked at me, a frown creasing his brow, and I sighed, holding out my hand to him.   
  
"We need to go upstairs, love," I said quietly, and fear seeped into his violet eyes.  
  
"What's happened?" he asked, his voice trembling slightly.  
  
"I'll explain upstairs."   
  
His frown deepened, but he took my hand and let me lead him up to our bedroom, Wufei following behind us. He closed the door without being asked, and I pulled out Duo's laptop from underneath the bed, setting it on the desk.   
  
Duo stared at the laptop, his eyes wide and filled with fear. "Heero?"  
  
"I'm sorry, love," I whispered, and pulled him into my arms. Wufei was frowning at me, and I gestured for him to come hold Duo with me. He hesitated slightly before obeying, wrapping his arms around both Duo and me.   
  
"What's going on?" Duo whispered, but I didn't answer him. I didn't know how. How could I possibly explain that he was about to find out if he could get on the horse and ride, or if it would kick the shit out of him? How could I hope to make him understand that he might be on the verge of losing another piece of his sanity?   
  
Then came the sound that I had been dreading, a high-pitched series of beeps that sounded oddly like of Mozart's Rondo.   
  
All three of us froze. I had known it was coming, had thought I'd been prepared, but the sound of that cheerful tune chilled my blood, stopped my heart. I couldn't let this happen, I wouldn't let this happen. Duo couldn't take the mission, it would destroy him. I wouldn't let that happen. I loved him too much to let him die. He was mine, dammit!   
  
"Oh, God," someone whispered, and Duo was suddenly a dead weight in our arms. Caught by surprise, we couldn't hold him and he crumpled to the floor, staring blankly at the wall.  
  
I distantly heard a crash and a thump from downstairs, and I knew that it was Quatre. But for once, I didn't need the empath to enlighten me, I could see everything in Duo's eyes. Or rather, nothing. Because that's what it was, absolute nothingness, drowning violet pools as empty as a black hole. I knew something had broken within him at the sound of that merry chime, knew that something had been shattered and destroyed, and I knew that Duo would never be the same again. 


	23. Chapter Twenty Three

Notes: This turned out more sappy than angsty, and I really don't like the ending, but I hope you like it anyway. And because I got yelled at for the Duo-torture in the last chapter, just remember that I always write happy endings. Enjoy and review!  
  
I suppose I should stop forgetting that even in his... weakened state, Duo is a trained Gundam pilot and skilled thief. I should stop forgetting that he has been training to get out of 'capture' since childhood. But, I do keep forgetting, and apparently so does Wufei, because when Duo suddenly started struggling in our arms, we were unable to stop him.   
  
He moved with startling speed, scrambling out of our hold and running out of the room. By the time we had climbed to our feet and chased after him, he had fled the safe house. I caught sight of his black-clad body dashing into the woods, but knew that I would not be able to find him if he didn't want to be found.  
  
I sighed and turned back into the house, sinking down onto the sofa. I felt tired. These past few days had just been one crisis after another. I'd barely been able to rest before some other disaster happened. My endurance was running out, and I just needed to crash for a few days, needed a nice period of rest and relaxation.  
  
I choked down a bitter laugh. Rest and relaxation. God, what an incredibly stupid thought. I had been lucky to get those two weeks at Marianne's, which hadn't even been crisis free, but now I was back in the war, and there would be no rest until the fighting stopped. Or I was dead.   
  
"Whatever you're thinking, don't," a weary voice said, and I glanced up to find Wufei leaning against the wall. I smiled wryly at him but didn't say anything. He sighed and let his head fall back to rest against the wall, closing his eyes. "Is the mission going to be difficult?"  
  
"I don't know," I admitted softly. "Let's find out." I grabbed my cell phone and flipped it open, dialling Sally's number after checking it was a secure line. It rung three times before she picked up.   
  
"Am I going to get yelled at?" she asked without a hello, and I felt a tiny spark of amusement.   
  
"Depends on how good your explanation is," I replied, and she sighed.   
  
"Right. Duo needs to get back to fighting to prove that he can."   
  
I waited for more, but finally prompted, "And?"  
  
"And I gave him a mission to do that. Well, technically I requested that the mission be handed over to 02 for personal reasons. It took a lot of arguing to get them to agree, since you took him off active duty and they're pretty much scared shitless of you. I wish you wouldn't be so intimidating to the people on our side."  
  
"Give me the mission details."  
  
"Base is about ninety miles away from the town nearest to you. Around a hundred mobile suits, a dozen cadets, and the usual amount of officers and other staff. They aren't expecting an attack and with Deathscythe's stealth capabilities and Duo's piloting capabilities-"  
  
"Which he may not be able to fully utilise," I said, not caring about interrupting. My control was fraying, and I knew it. "He's still recovering, Sally. He's only been wearing a gun again for a few days. You can't ask him to kill."  
  
She made a noise that sounded suspiciously like a growl and I imagined her rubbing her eyes. "Heero, I am a trained professional. Not only am I a regular doctor, I have a degree in psychology. I have seen dozens of cases like Duo's, not as severe I'll grant you, but similar, and I am telling you that this will work."   
  
"It had better," I said in my most threatening tone. I hung up without another word and repeated the details to Wufei. He thought silently for a few moments, absently brushing a strand of hair out of his closed eyes.   
  
"The theory has merit," he finally admitted, and I sighed.   
  
"I know that, but... the average human psyche is complicated at best. Duo is far from average, and when you apply the theory to his... fragile mind... I just don't know if he's strong enough to handle this. You saw how he reacted."   
  
"I did, and I admit it was bad, but it could have been worse."   
  
The fraying rope that was my control broke with an almost audible twang and I glared at him. "Worse? He fucking ran away!"   
  
He didn't react to my outburst other than to smile softly. "Yes, he did. He ran and he hid so that he could figure things out. He'll be back."   
  
"How can you be so sure of that?" I asked, hating the desperation in my voice. Wufei finally opened his eyes to look at me, and I stared into those onyx depths, falling into the dark light that shone with a fierce love.  
  
"Because he loves us."  
  
I hate losing control for two specific reasons. One: I'm very dangerous when I do, and two: I can't bottle up my emotions like I usually do. It started off slow, just a single tear rolling down my cheek, but then something inside me snapped and I huge sobs were racking my body, tears streaming down my face.   
  
Wufei was suddenly there, holding me close, whispering softly to me, doing everything that I did when Duo was upset. I had never realised before just how good it felt to be held by someone who loved you when you needed them, and I clung to him, pressing my face into the bend of his neck.   
  
I couldn't do this for much longer, couldn't keep bouncing from crisis to emergency to disaster. I was going to drown in a sea of dark emotions, and I wasn't the only one. Hadn't we done enough? Didn't we deserve a break? We were only fifteen for Christ's sake! We shouldn't have to deal with all this shit! It wasn't fair! It just... it wasn't fair.   
  
How long I cried for, I don't know, but I do know that the house was still devoid of a certain braided American when I was finally able to gather up the torn remains of my control.   
  
I looked up at Wufei, an apology on the tip of my tongue, but he pressed a finger to my lips, effectively shushing me.  
  
"You needed to let it out," he said quietly. "Don't be ashamed."  
  
I blushed, and realised that this was probably how Duo felt whenever he collapsed in my arms. I felt ashamed and weak, small and pathetic next to Wufei's amazing strength.  
  
"Heero, would you stop that?" he demanded in exasperation. "You've been trying to carry too much on your shoulders. You've been putting Duo's needs before your own for weeks and it was killing you."   
  
"I just feel so...."  
  
"Tired? Worn out? Tense?"  
  
I looked up at him through my bangs and muttered, "Pathetic."   
  
He rolled his eyes at me, but didn't comment. He sighed suddenly and flicked a strand of hair out of his eyes. I realised that that was why he kept his hair in a ponytail most of the time, it had an annoying habit of getting in his eyes. Still, he looked a lot nicer with his hair down, so silky and fine, just slides through my fingers like water...   
  
"Is there a reason you are playing with my hair?" he asked, and I blushed, dropping my hand.  
  
"You look good with your hair down," I mumbled.  
  
"Apparently Duo thinks so, too, which is why I have left it down today."   
  
I smiled softly and dared to reach out again, twisting the fine strands of his hair around my fingers, feeling the smooth texture of them. He watched me toy with his hair, a wry smile twisting his lips.   
  
"You have a hair fetish," he accused softly, and I grinned.  
  
"Yep."  
  
I heard footsteps and let my hand fall away from Wufei's hair just as Trowa walked in from the kitchen. I noted Quatre's absence and raised an eyebrow.  
  
"He's unconscious," he murmured, flopping down in an armchair. "He'll wake up in an hour or two."  
  
"Did he say much?"  
  
"Fear, pain, despair, the... usual."   
  
I sighed, even though I had known it was coming. Why wasn't Duo here? Why couldn't he trust me to hold and comfort him? Why couldn't he lean on me just a little?  
  
"Because he's as proud as you are," Wufei muttered, his voice tinged with exasperation. I glared at him, but he just glared back. "You are too proud for your own good, Heero Yuy, and you know it. You were completely mortified two seconds that you needed me to hold you, you are more likely to kill yourself than to accept help on a mission, and Duo is just the same. Well, he may not kill himself instead of accepting help, but he will go to great extremes and later insist that he didn't need the help. So can you really blame him for wanting to get out of here for a little bit before he had another breakdown? He hates that he needs you, us, so damn much and he's terrified that we'll be disgusted with him and leave him."  
  
He stopped talking and silence descended on the room. I was desperately fighting a blush and the urge to fidget for his evaluation of me. What stung more was that it was true. I was too damned proud for my own good.   
  
"You're almost as good as Quatre at that," Trowa said after a moment, his eyes sparkling with amusement and a soft smile curling his lips. I glared at him, but he, unfortunately, remained unaffected.   
  
I sighed and cuddled up to Wufei, nestling my head on his shoulder. It was only when Trowa raised an eyebrow and smirked that I realised what I'd done. Blushing, I started to move away but Wufei wrapped an arm around my shoulders, holding me in place. I smiled and stayed where I was. It wasn't such a bad place to be. 


	24. Chapter Twenty Four

Notes: The next chapter might be a little slow in coming, because it is the actual LEMON for the fic and also deals with some rather heavy emotions, so I want to get it just right. Enjoy and review!  
  
It started raining just after dawn, that thick, heavy rain that comes out of nowhere and lasts for hours. I watched it fall from the bedroom window, thinking glumly about the thin shirt Duo was wearing. He would be soaked when he came home, and cold too. He'd been gone for hours now, why wasn't he back yet? Was he okay? The woods were tricky, had he tripped and fallen? Was he hurt? Did he need help?   
  
Someone nudged my shoulder and I whirled, hand reaching for my gun, before I realised it was Wufei. He offered me a cup of coffee and I accepted it gratefully, sipping it and not caring that it was really too hot to drink.   
  
"He would have called for help if he was injured," he murmured, but I didn't reply. Would he? He was so unbalanced right now, so scared and lost. I wished I could believe in him like Wufei did, wished I could trust that he would return to us, but... I just couldn't. There was a little worm of doubt in me, squirming and wriggling in my gut, that whispered maliciously to me, taunting me and teasing me.  
  
I took a gulp of my coffee, trying desperately to ignore the voice that was currently laughing at my foolishness, whispering to me about the complete idiocy of falling in love with Shinigami during a friggin' war. I just loved to do the impossible, didn't I? Or at least try.  
  
A sharp gasp from Wufei snapped me out of my musings and I focused my eyes back on the trees to find a shuffling, dark shape slowly making its way towards the house. My cup slipped from my numb fingers to clatter against the floor, hot coffee splashing against my bare feet unnoticed as I turned and ran out of the room, followed by Wufei.  
  
The rain hit me like a wave of water, soaking me instantly and making my clothes stick to my body. The mud coated my bare feet and stained the bottoms of my jeans, but I ignored it all as I rushed towards the indistinct figure before me.   
  
He was shivering, arms wrapped tight around his body, staring at his muddy socks as he walked. I made a mental note that he really should stop running out when he wasn't wearing shoes, but the rest of my brain was focused on how defeated he looked. He was covered in mud, probably from a fall, and I wondered if he had fallen, if he was hurt.   
  
He slowly raised his eyes to look at us, and they were bloodshot and puffy. He'd been crying.   
  
Words died in my throat as I stared at his desperate eyes. He tried to take another stumbling step forward, but fell to his knees. I frowned and knelt down beside him, touching his shoulder and feeling the tension in his muscles.   
  
Wufei knelt down on Duo's other side and touched his cheek with the back of his hand, scowling. "You're freezing," he murmured. He glanced at me and I nodded, hooking an arm around Duo's waist and pulling him to his feet. Wufei mirrored me and we half-supported half-carried him to the house, careful not to slip on the muddy ground as none of us were wearing shoes.  
  
The living room was empty, so we carefully set Duo down on the couch. Wufei went to the kitchen to get him some coffee, and I found a couple of blankets in our bedroom, returning as quickly as I could to wrap them around Duo.   
  
"I-I h-h-have t-t-to do t-t-this, d-d-don't I?" he muttered, his teeth chattering so bad I could barely hear him. I sighed and nodded, sitting down beside him.  
  
"Yes, love, you do."  
  
A harsh shudder ran through his body and he pulled the blankets tighter around his shoulders. Wufei returned with a large mug of coffee, but Duo just shook his head. I raised an eyebrow; it was never good when Duo refused caffeine.   
  
"How hard's the mission?" Duo asked in a whisper, and I quietly told him the details, watching as he absorbed it all with a resigned light in his eyes.   
  
"Hundred and thirty, approximately. Cadets, that means teenagers, young twenties at the oldest. Innocent."   
  
"Not innocent," Wufei corrected firmly. "OZ. They are OZ soldiers and that makes them the enemy. They're not innocent bystanders, Duo, they are people that are training to kill us and others. They have to-"  
  
Duo twisted around to glare at him. "To die?" he interrupted shrilly. "Is that it? They have to die because they're doing what they think is right? Who are we to decide who should live and die, Fei? Who made us God?"   
  
Wufei looked at him helplessly for a minute and then sighed, looking away. "We have to fight, Duo, because we're the best in the world. We have to protect the innocent, and that sometimes means we have to do things we don't like."   
  
"That's bullshit! We're fucking kids! We shouldn't have to risk our lives everyday for a bunch of people who hate us! We shouldn't have to sacrifice everything and anything for the fucking cause! We shouldn't have to pretend that we don't care about all the fucking blood on our hands!"  
  
"No one's asking you to not care, Duo. We're just asking you to...."   
  
"To be a killer! To be a monster! Well you know what, I don't want to be! I don't want to be Shinigami any fucking more!"   
  
"Duo, we know we're asking a lot, but-"  
  
"Shut up, Heero, I don't want to hear it anymore!"   
  
I flinched, hurt by his harsh words more than I thought I would be. He growled and stood up, shrugging the blankets off. I reached out to touch him, but he batted my hand away.  
  
"I don't want you near me right now, Heero," he growled, and walked upstairs. He didn't stomp, but I could tell he wanted to. I frowned and looked at Wufei, who looked just as upset and lost as I felt. Great.   
  
"Should we go after him?" Wufei asked, and I hesitated. Sometimes Duo needed time alone to think, as evidenced by his running away, but sometimes he needed to be held and comforted while he thought, and I didn't know which one it was today. I finally nodded, deciding that the worst that could happen would be we'd get yelled at again. Well, he might throw something, but I doubt we'd actually get hit. Hopefully.  
  
He was standing at the window, shoulders hunched and head down. I could partially see his left hand and saw that he was gripping the windowsill tight enough to turn his knuckles white.  
  
"I'm sorry," he muttered, not turning around to face us. "I didn't mean to yell. I'm just a bit tense. I know you're not asking me to be... I know what I have to do, and I know that I'm going to do it, but... I don't want to."   
  
I sighed and moved to hug him from behind, noticing that he was still wet and cold and muddy. He needed a shower.  
  
"I'm sorry, love," I whispered, and he shivered.  
  
"I know. I'm gonna do it, Heero, my conscience won't let me do otherwise, but... I don't know how it'll affect me. He shook his head and straightened, resting his head on my shoulder. "I guess we're about to find out if I can handle my job, huh?" He snorted bitterly and muttered, "Job. God, that makes it sound like some nine-to-five deal, like working at McDonalds."   
  
I didn't know what to say to that, so I just changed the subject by saying, "You need a shower."  
  
He glanced down at his body and smiled mirthlessly. "Yeah, guess I do."  
  
"Did you fall down?"  
  
"Mm, tripped over a log."  
  
"Are you hurt?" Wufei asked, speaking for the first time, and I glanced at him to find him sitting on his bed, watching us closely.   
  
"No. Well, some scratches and I'll probably have a bruised shin come morning, but I've... had worse." He shook his head again and stepped away from me, muttering something about a shower and then bed.   
  
"This isn't fair," Wufei said quietly, and I smiled bitterly.  
  
"Things rarely are in our lives."   
  
"Can't one of us go with him?"  
  
I shook my head and sat down next to him, resting my elbows on my knees. "No, it's too risky and completely pointless. I mean, the mission was originally assigned to Sally and her team, but she handed it over to Duo. It's easy enough for one Gundam, having two go would be like using a thermonuclear weapon to kill an ant."  
  
"Well, overkill is something of a speciality of ours."  
  
"They'd never let us, and you know it. Besides, I have a suspicion that having one of us 'babysit' Duo would undermine whatever Sally hopes to achieve. This is supposed to be about teaching him that he can still pilot, and if he thinks that we don't believe that, he won't see any reason to believe it himself."  
  
"But a bit of support might be nice."  
  
"And we will support him. We just won't go on the mission with him."  
  
Wufei sighed and nodded. "Right. I just worry. I don't want to lost him."  
  
"We won't," I said firmly. "If he can't handle the mission, we'll think of something else, but we are NOT going to lose him." 


	25. Chapter Twenty Five

Notes: LEMON ALERT!! LEMON ALERT!! DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU ARE NOT OF LEGAL AGE AND/OR OPEN-MINDED!! This is, as stated, a lemon chapter, specifically a threesome lemon between Wufei, Heero and Duo, so do not read this if you know you won't like it, and don't bother to flame me about how sick/disgusting/gross it is, because I'll just laugh at you. I take no responsibility if you chose to ignore these warnings and proceed to read this chapter anyway. That said, this is my first lemon, and I know it's not the best, so I'm just going to go hide under a rock now. Enjoy and review!  
  
The kiss was soft, almost chaste, Wufei's lips moving softly against mine. His free hand was resting on my hip, the thumb slipping under my tee shirt to trace circles on my skin. It was a very intimate touch and it sent shivers through my body.   
  
A wry chuckle made us break apart. Duo was standing in the doorway, smiling wearily at us. There was a towel around his waist and another draped across his shoulders. Small cuts and scrapes covered his body and his right shin was already starting to darken, but all I saw was the flat planes of his chest, his taught stomach, the hard muscles of his arms and legs. My breath caught in my throat as I admired the strength in his lean body.  
  
He blushed and looked away, uncomfortable under my scrutiny. "Nice to see you two finally getting cozy with each other," he joked weakly, half-heartedly drying his hair with the towel around his shoulders. Wufei blushed and offered a rather shy smile.   
  
I frowned as I studied Duo. He looked calm, if a bit weary, not exactly relaxed but not completely tense either. He seemed to have accepted the situation, but he was far from being happy about it.   
  
"Duo, do you-"  
  
"No." His voice was sharp and clipped, and he sighed, flicking me an apologetic smile. "But I wouldn't mind you brushing my hair," he added in softer tones. I smiled and nodded.  
  
I scooted back on the bead and gestured for him to sit between my legs. After lifting his hair out of the way, he did so, reaching out to stop Wufei when he made to stand up.  
  
"Don't even think about leaving, Fei," he said firmly. "I need you here right now."   
  
Wufei smiled and said, "I was going to go make you a cup of cocoa. Do you really think I'd leave when you're half naked?"  
  
It surprised a short laugh out of Duo and he let him go without any further objections. I focused on getting the few tangles out of Duo's hair without tugging too much. I really did like his hair, it was all long and silky. Well, when it was dry it was silky. But even wet it was still so thick and you could tell it was gorgeous when dry. Hm, Wufei's right, I really do have a hair fetish. Then again, can you blame me?  
  
I had nearly finished brushing Duo's hair by the time Wufei returned with a mug of cocoa. He smiled at us and handed Duo the mug, settling down beside him again.   
  
"Band?" I asked, and Duo fished one out from under the bed. I quickly braided his hair and tied it off, tossing it over his shoulder. "Now what?"   
  
"Now... I get dressed and... look over the mission details."   
  
"Duo...."  
  
"I wouldn't terribly mind some company."   
  
I nodded and watched him get dressed, not being able to stop myself from watching when he bent over to pull some clothes out of the dresser. The towel was short and he flashed a long length of thigh and a glimpse of buttock. My jeans seemed very tight suddenly and I flushed guiltily, looking away from the tempting vision that was Duo only to find Wufei in a similar situation. We grinned at each other and I shrugged one shoulder as if to say, how could we not react that way?   
  
Duo was frowning at us, not understanding, and then spotted our tented jeans. He coughed and looked away, holding a shirt and some black jeans in front of him like a barrier. I watched him struggle for a moment, glancing between us, the window, and his laptop, which had been placed on the floor. I held my breath, waiting to see what his final reaction would be.   
  
To say I was surprised when he let the clothes slid to the floor and look us at with desire dancing in his violet eyes would be an understatement. He smiled coyly and ran his hands over his bare chest. My gasp was echoed by Wufei's, and it seemed to give Duo more confidence because his hands brushed over his nipples before venturing lower, fingertips dipping below the towel.   
  
"Like what you see?" he asked, his voice low and husky. I swallowed thickly, my eyes fixed on his hands as they once again ran over his chest, this time stopping to play with his nipples. He bit his lip, head thrown back, lost in the pleasure, and my control snapped.  
  
I was suddenly standing before him, hands over his, lips greedily devouring his. He moaned into my mouth and pressed his body against mine. I broke the kiss reluctantly, gasping from lack of air. He looked at me, his eyes intense and shining with lust, and then moved back to pull the tee shirt over my head.   
  
"You two are wearing too many clothes," he stated, his hands moving to my jeans. Another pair of hands ran over my back, massaging my shoulders, and I twisted my head to look at a suddenly shirtless Wufei. He used the opportunity to capture my lips in a searing kiss. His hands slid over my shoulders to toy with my nipples and I made a sound that I will firmly deny was a whimper.   
  
"You two look so hot like that," Duo whispered, licking his lips as he stared at us hungrily. Wufei and I shared a look and then advanced on Duo as one. He looked very surprised, and I grinned, one hand sliding languidly down his chest to rub his hard nipple. He gasped, and it was swallowed by Wufei, who was suddenly kissing him as if there was no tomorrow.   
  
I realised that Wufei and I were still partially dressed, and moved to stand behind Wufei, slipping my arms around his waist and unbuttoning his jeans. I pressed a kiss into the nape of his neck and then pulled the band out of his hair before making a trail of kisses down his spine.   
  
When I was kneeling, I tugged his jeans down around his knees and then repeated the action with his boxers. I grinned again and quickly bit Wufei's ass, making him yelp and jump. I flicked my tongue over the bitten skin, knowing it would leave a red mark, and then worked at removing his jeans.   
  
When he was as naked as Duo, I stripped my own jeans and boxers off and pressed myself against Wufei's back, rubbing my hardened arousal against his ass. He groaned, head falling back against his shoulder, offering me his throat, and I bent my head to bite the junction between neck and shoulder, tasting his skin, memorising the faintly spicy hint it held. One hand left his hip to reach out and ghost up Duo's arm.  
  
"We need to take this to the bed," he whispered, raising his head from where he was suckling at Wufei's nipple. I gave Wufei's neck one last lick before walking backwards, pulling him with me, who in turn pulled Duo, so that we all fell onto the bed in a pile of tangled limbs.   
  
Someone's groin was placed conveniently by my lips, so I craned my neck and took the head of their member in my mouth. A ragged gasp, combined with the pale flesh of the thighs, told me it was Duo. I smirked and levered myself into a better position, raising my eyes to look at him, licking the underside of his arousal.   
  
Things spiralled downhill from there, or uphill depending on how you look at it, and I have very few clear memories of what happened. I remember kissing my way up someone's body, I remember tangling my hands in fine, black hair, I remember gasping and writhing on the bed as someone greedily sucked on my cock, but mostly all I remember is great waves of pleasure crashing through me.   
  
Gasps, moans, groans and vulgar prayers (from Duo) reached a crescendo as we came, one after the other, and then gradually subsided into panting and heavy breathing.   
  
We lay on the bed, sweaty limbs tangled and Duo's braid trapped between our bodies, and just tried to remember how to breathe.  
  
"Jesus, that was fantastic," Duo breathed, twisting his head to grin at us. "You guys are incredible."  
  
"You aren't too bad yourself," I murmured, shifting and pulling his braid out from underneath me. "But now I think we all need a shower."  
  
"Not together, we'd never actually get out," Wufei mumbled from where he was laying face down somewhere around our waists.  
  
"You and Fei go shower, while I get dressed," Duo ordered, and I couldn't help a frown as I thought about clothes covering up his delicious body, with his toned muscles and dusky pink nipples....   
  
"Gods, you're insatiable," Duo grumbled, and I smirked at him.  
  
"You'll learn to love my stamina," I promised quietly, leaning over to give him a quick kiss before standing up and pulling Wufei with me. We were both slightly unsteady on our feet, and Wufei nearly had to physically restrain me from pouncing on Duo when I glanced back and saw him lounging on the bed, looking utterly spent and completely gorgeous.   
  
I frowned, but then just grinned wickedly as I thought of a wet, soapy Wufei and all the pleasant things I could do to him. 


	26. Chapter Twenty Six

Notes: This is a bit short, and I'm sorry for the long wait, but it might make you happy to know that I have about two chapters left to write, and then I can FINALLY get started on the sequel. Enjoy and review!  
  
When Wufei and I finally managed to drag our bodies out of the shower (the water was getting cold and Trowa was getting impatient) we found Duo sitting on the bed, fully-clothed and with his laptop perched on his knees. His eyes were fixed on the screen, but I know he sensed our presence because he smiled.  
  
"When you're clothed, I wouldn't mind a hug," he said, taking a sip of cocoa that had to be cold.  
  
"Why didn't you wait?" I asked as I pulled on some boxers.  
  
"Because I got bored, and you guys were having so much fun I didn't want to interrupt. You two are very loud."  
  
I blushed and Wufei brushed his fingertips against my hip, where the skin was starting to darken in the shape of fingers. Not only had we been loud we'd been... rough. I had several bites, scratches, marks, and bruises, and so did Wufei.  
  
When we were both fully clothed in jeans and tee shirts, Wufei went to make some more cocoa, while I settled down behind Duo, wrapping my arms around his slender waist and resting my chin on his shoulder. He was looking over the mission specs, memorising figures and pieces of data. It was, as Sally said, a simple mission, shouldn't be too much trouble. Hopefully.  
  
"I'm leaving tomorrow morning," Duo said quietly, opening a new window and beginning to type out a mission plan. He allowed for every possibility, no matter how unlikely, giving himself plenty of room for error. It was more caution than he usually showed, but I didn't blame him.  
  
"I... I think that when I get back... I'm going to need a little time alone."  
  
I sighed and nodded. "Alright. We'll wait for you to come into the house, and make sure that Quatre and Trowa stay inside as well."  
  
"Thanks."  
  
"I know you can do this, Duo."  
  
He didn't answer, but his typing faltered a moment, his fingers resting on the keys. Then he took a deep breath and continued typing, putting the finishing touches on his mission plan and sending it off to base for approval. Well, technically it was for approval, but in reality it was just so that they had a general idea of what we were intending to do and if we actually managed to accomplish it in the manner we intended. If they ever sent back a plan, I don't really think we'd listen to them. We have this tendency to do things our own way, in case you haven't realised.  
  
"What are you smiling about, Heero?" Wufei asked, handing Duo a fresh mug of cocoa and sitting down beside me.  
  
"Our independence and the fools at base who think they can control us."  
  
"Ah. Always good for a chuckle, I suppose."  
  
Duo closed his laptop and pushed it off his knees with a sigh. He leaned back, pressing against my body, and I tightened my grip around his waist.  
  
"You alright, love?"  
  
He smiled softly, but not like it was funny. His eyes were distant, and it was a long moment before he answered, his voice soft and sad. "Just... bad memories. I keep seeing things, in my head. Bad things. Things I... I don't want to see." Tears sparkled in his eyes, and he blinked them back. He was absently rubbing his fingertips against a scratch mark on my forearm, and I shivered at the sensation.   
  
"I... Deathscythe needs to be looked over before the mission. I have to check weapons, guidance, stealth systems, controls, flight systems.... It's a few hours' work. Can you guys give me a hand?"  
  
"Do you really need to ask?"   
  
"Guess not."   
  
"Want to start now?"  
  
Duo took a deep breath and let it out slowly, nodding decisively. "Yeah, I do."  
  
Deathscythe stood like a dark tower of destruction, gleaming in the sunlight. Wing and Shenlong stood on either side of it, strong and protective. The symbolism wasn't lost on any of us.  
  
"I'll work on the guidance system, if you want," Wufei offered as Duo clambered up the tall machine to open the hatch. The cockpit was barely big enough for two, so Duo powered up the necessary systems to lay Deathscythe on the ground. Duo sat in the command chair, Wufei perched on his left shoulder, and I sat on the chest.   
  
Each of us had our laptops plugged into a different system, and we spent the time working silently. Duo seemed to be handling it alright, but he had so far avoided accessing the weapons system. I wanted to offer to do it myself, to try and shelter him from the pain, but I knew that it wouldn't help, that he had to prove to himself that he could do it. Knowing that and actually listening to myself was two very different things.  
  
We worked diligently, not overlooking the smallest imperfection. It was nearly lunchtime by the time we finished, but Deathscythe was perfect and ready for anything. I just wasn't sure Duo was. He seemed to be handling things alright, working just as hard as he usually did, even when it came to the weapons system, but I had learned long ago that what I saw wasn't necessarily the truth.   
  
Part of me wanted for him to talk to me, wanted him to break down and let it all out, but the rest of me knew that it wouldn't help. He was strong, right now, safe behind his mask, and if I took that away, whatever chance he had of completing this mission would be ruined. Whether I liked it or not, Duo had to do this alone.  
  
==  
  
Breakfast was tense the next morning, filled with an uneasy silence of unsaid words. Quatre opened his mouth several times to say something, but eventually gave up and just gripped Trowa's hand under the table, succumbing to the silence. I was acutely aware of Duo sitting beside him, of the tension in his body, of his slightly uneven breath.  
  
Duo picked at his breakfast, a complete fry-up, and managed a couple of bites before pushing it away.  
  
"Duo, you need to eat something," I said quietly, and he sighed.  
  
"I can't, 'Ro. I'll be sick."  
  
"How about just the toast? For me? Please?"  
  
"I'm sorry, Heero."   
  
It was the tone of his voice, bitter and harsh, that made me shut up. I looked down at my cereal and the thought of actually eating it made my stomach hurt. I sighed and pushed the bowl away, reaching out to lace my fingers with Duo's. His hand was cold and clammy, and I could feel a slight tremor running through them.  
  
"Whatever happens, we'll still love you," I promised softly, and he shuddered.   
  
"I, uh... I think I need a moment alone. Meet me in the hanger in ten?"  
  
I nodded and watched him leave, noticing how his footsteps faltered occasionally. Someone sighed, I think it was Quatre. I could tell that he was on the verge of trying to console Wufei and I, that he was about to start assuring us that Duo was strong and he could handle anything and he'd be alright and he'd come back healthy and sane... but I just didn't want to hear it. I fled to the bedroom, and Wufei soon followed me.  
  
We collapsed on the bed, holding each other tightly, not speaking because we didn't need to. Fear made our hearts race, fears of so many things. Wufei kept whispering 'He'll be fine' over and over again, and I pulled the tie out of his hair to run my fingers through the thin strands.  
  
By the time we regained control of ourselves, by the time we pulled on our masks and hid our hearts, we were five minutes late to see Duo. I don't think he noticed, he was too busy staring at Deathscythe with haunted eyes.  
  
I touched him on the shoulder and he turned to gather us into a three-way hug, pressing his body close to ours. He didn't speak, I'm not sure if he could, and after a brief eternity, he pulled away and climbed into the cockpit. The hatch closed, sealing him away from our sight, our protection, our love. I hoped it wasn't forever. 


	27. Chapter Twenty Seven

Notes: Ah, doubt, worry, angst and sap. Well, not much sap, just a smidgeon, but don't worry, the sap will be in the next part, the epilogue. I can't believe this story is nearly finished. Enjoy and review!   
  
The day passed slowly. Everyone says that time is a relative thing, that the actions and feelings of the moment can alter our perceptions of time, but I had never really believed that. A second was a second, a minute was a minute, an hour was an hour, nothing could change that.   
  
I was wrong.   
  
Waiting for Duo to come back, hoping and praying that he was alright and terrified that he wasn't, the day was the longest of my life. I was tense and unfocused, restless, wandering around the safe house and never staying still for two minutes.   
  
Wufei was in a similar state, but had managed to find an outlet in his art. I don't know how long he spent drawing, because as I said my sense of time was a bit impaired, but whenever I was in the living room, I would find him curled up on the sofa, sketching madly. I glimpsed at a detailed sketch of a gun, a Glock if I wasn't mistaken, a rose, and even very vivid angel, complete with feathered wings. I longed to have that release, to have some way to detach myself from my emotions, but I couldn't.   
  
I tried working out, but kept losing track of how many reps I had done; I tried cleaning my weapons, but stopped when I found myself dismantling my Beretta for the third time; I tried doing the washing, but walked past the detergent four times trying to find it before giving up.   
  
Where was Duo now? What was he doing? Was he injured? Was he sane? Was he coming back at all?   
  
The questions chased themselves around my head, getting louder and louder until nothing could drown them out, and I found myself curled on the bed clutching my head, trying desperately to shut out the maddening questions.  
  
I don't know why I was reacting so strongly, I'm usually a pretty in-control person, but I was just so... scared. I've never reacted well to fear, it always makes me feel weak and vulnerable, and it was somehow worse this time because it wasn't anything physical I feared. I feared losing Duo. Maybe not physically, but emotionally and mentally. I was terrified that this mission would scar his mind beyond repair, that I would never be able to see his eyes sparkle or hear his bright laugh. I didn't know if I could handle that, didn't know if I was strong enough to survive the loss of his love.   
  
The bed dipped with extra weight, and someone rolled me over to snuggle against their warm body. I knew from the muscles that it was Fei and that I didn't have to be ashamed, so I let myself go and clung to him, my body shaking and my thoughts screaming.  
  
After a while, don't even think about asking me how long, I managed to calm down, the screams fading to harsh whispers. Wufei continued to hold me, stroking my back and letting the steady beat of his heart soothe me.  
  
"I'm scared, Fei," I whispered, looking at my hands as they were fisted in his shirt.  
  
"He'll come back," he whispered back, and I shivered, letting the assurance wash over me and calm my pounding heart.  
  
"How long has he been gone?"  
  
"Four hours, twenty-seven minutes."   
  
I did some quick calculations and said, "He should be home soon."   
  
Wufei didn't reply, but I sensed movement and was pretty sure he nodded.   
  
We had set up a couple of cameras in the clearing to watch the Gundams, just in case. I booted up my laptop and tapped into the feed, looking forlornly at the empty space between Wing and Shenlong.   
  
What would we do if Duo wasn't alright? We couldn't just leave him in some hospital, it was too big a security risk. Just one slip, one hint of who he was, and OZ would descend on him like vultures. And besides that, the thought of never seeing him again, of never kissing him or touching him or listening to him talk... it would be like trying to live without sunlight, or food, or... something really important.  
  
But I couldn't think of what else to do, other than the unthinkable thing of 'neutralising the threat' and that was never going to happen in this reality. He might possibly be able to stay at one of the resistance bases, but if his... problems were too severe, it might be too traumatic for him.  
  
But that was moot point, because I wasn't living without him!   
  
"What are we gonna do, Fei?" I asked quietly, turning around to look at him desperately. "There's a chance that Duo's not gonna be okay, and you know it. What are we gonna do if he can't be a pilot?"  
  
Wufei sighed and looked at his hands, avoiding my eyes. "I don't know," he admitted after a while. "I've thought about it, as hard as I tried not to, and I just... I don't know. Some things from the beginning are still true, much as we wish they weren't, and if Duo can't pilot, the only choice is..."  
  
"We are not killing him!"  
  
"I never said we were! I just don't know what else to DO!"   
  
I bit back another sharp reply and looked back at my laptop's screen. I didn't blame Wufei, and I knew that he was no more willing to kill Duo than I was, but... I felt lost, confused, helpless. I didn't do well with any of those emotions. They always made me defensive, and when I got defensive, I got angry.  
  
A slight pressure on my shoulder from Wufei's hand told me he understood and I felt a little of the tension run out of my body from the knowledge that I wasn't alone.  
  
"We can talk to Sally," he suggested softly. "Maybe she can think of something. But we aren't making any decisions until we see him, right? He might be okay."  
  
I nodded, not really looking at him, and he stood up. "I'm gonna go make some coffee, you want any?"  
  
"Sure. Thanks."  
  
He snorted and muttered, "Anything to keep busy," before leaving. I smiled briefly, understanding that all to well. The motion sensors activated suddenly, warnings flashing across the screen, and I held my breath as Deathscythe slowly landed between Wing and Shenlong.   
  
He was back. He was alive. Everything else was uncertain, but he was alive.   
  
My heart was pounding in my chest, relief making my breath catch in my throat. I ached to go out and see if he was alright, to hold him in my arms and kiss him and touch him and just BE with him, but... he didn't want that. He wanted time alone. He didn't want me there just yet.   
  
"You could have told me he was back," Wufei said archly, and I quirked a wry grin.  
  
"I got distracted."  
  
"Understandable." He looked over my shoulder to see the screen and his shoulders sagged with relief when he spotted the sleek, black Gundam. He whispered a soft prayer of thanks in Chinese, and I added my heartfelt agreement.   
  
The hatch opened slowly and Duo stepped into the sunlight. For a moment he just stood there, face up to the sky, breathing deeply. I took the moment to evaluate him, and was pleased to note that there were no visible injuries and his clothing wasn't torn in a single place. No cuts, that only left bruises. And broken bones. Torn muscles. Slipped disks. Okay, maybe I was getting paranoid.  
  
Duo climbed down the Gundam, not bothering with the lift wire, and walked out of the camera's range. I shut down my laptop and walked downstairs with Wufei to meet him. Trowa was watching the news, but when he saw us he left without a word.   
  
Duo looked tired when he came in, his face drawn and pale. His eyes were thoughtful, troubled. His hands were shaking slightly, but the rest of his body was still.  
  
I opened my mouth to ask how he was, but the question seemed a little pathetic, so I changed it to, "Are you alright?"  
  
He frowned, thinking about the question for a long time. "I think so," he finally admitted. "I mean, I'm not happy and I'm probably gonna have nightmares, but... the mission was easy, practically a cake-walk, no one came near to hurting me or Deathscythe, I was... fuck it all to hell, I was a Gundam pilot. And I think... I think I'm okay with that."   
  
I wrapped him up in my arms, crushing his body against mine and kissing his neck. Relief flooded my being, making my skin tingle and my heartbeat race. He was okay. He was fine. He was sane. He was going to stay with me. With us, I amended as Wufei joined the hug.   
  
We were together, and we could stay that way. We WERE going to stay that way. No one, not OZ not our 'bosses', not the hounds of hell, would tear us apart now. 


	28. Epilogue

Notes: This is it, guys, the official end of Saving Shinigami, my first ever fanfic. It's kinda scary that I won't be writing this anymore, but with luck the sequel will keep me just as busy and just as happy. I'd like to thank everyone who reviewed and everyone who read but didn't review. I'm glad you enjoyed this fic as much as I did.  
  
Epilogue  
  
The sunlight was bright and warm, fluffy white clouds dotting the clear blue sky. The grass was soft and lush beneath us, caressing our skin with each shift of our bodies. Duo was tracing patterns on my bare stomach with a finger, raising goosebumps and sending little shivers down my spine.   
  
"You have a nice stomach," Duo announced seriously out of nowhere and I smiled, not opening my eyes.  
  
"Thank you. You have a nice stomach, too."  
  
"And what about me?" Wufei asked in mock hurt.  
  
I heard the grin in Duo's voice as he said, "Sorry, Fei. You have a nice stomach, too."   
  
"You just love me for my body."  
  
"Well, yeah. And now that you mention it...."  
  
The finger disappeared from my stomach and I felt the weight pressing against my side shift.   
  
"Duo, are you never satisfied?" There was a slight breathlessness to Wufei's voice and I wondered what Duo was doing. I thought about opening my eyes to find out, but couldn't be bothered.  
  
"Look who's talking, Mister Three Times in One Hour."  
  
"You refused to get dressed, who was I to refuse such an open invitation? Mmm, oh yes!"  
  
"All my clothes were in the wash!"  
  
"Not all of-not all of them."  
  
"No, some of them were sticky with bodily fluids."  
  
"That's not our fault. Oh, nngg."  
  
"Yes it is, you jumped me as soon as I stepped in the door!"  
  
"We were... bored."  
  
"You two bicker like an old married couple," I stated, and felt two pairs of eyes look at me with annoyance.  
  
"Compared to the fights you and Fei get into, this is hardly worth mentioning," Duo replied archly, and I grinned, a pleasant heat flooding my body at the memory of what those 'fights' always ended up as.  
  
"Are you going to join us or just lay there?"  
  
I stretched lazily, and muttered, "Haven't decided yet."  
  
"Maybe you need a bit of convincing."  
  
The predatory tone to Wufei's voice, and the wicked smirk I knew went with it, made my blood sing. I held my breath as two pairs of hands started roaming over my body, pushing clothing out of the way to reveal the skin hidden beneath. I bit my lip as someone unbuttoned my jeans and ran a finger inside the waistband of my boxers.  
  
"Guys, mission!"  
  
Quatre's cheerful voice shattered the peaceful scene and I sighed, finally opening my eyes to look at my lovers. They looked as disappointed and resigned as I felt.  
  
"Who for?" Duo asked.  
  
"All of us!"  
  
"Shit."   
  
"Continue this later?" I suggested, and Duo smirked.  
  
"Bet your ass we will. And I call seme!"  
  
I rolled my eyes and zipped up my jeans, standing up and letting my tee shirt fall back into place. I offered Duo a hand up, and held onto it as we walked back towards the safe house.   
  
A small cloud, perfect white lined with dark grey, passed in front of the sun and a shadow fell across us, a chill chasing over our skin. We paused and looked up, waiting for the shadow to pass and the warmth to return. It did.   
  
I smiled at Duo, kissing his cheek quickly, and he grinned in return.   
  
"Race you to the laptop!" he shouted, and sprinted back to the house. Wufei muttered a half-hearted curse and chased after him. I followed at a more sedate pace, not bothered about losing the race. The mission would still be there when I did reach my laptop, waiting my approval and acceptance.   
  
But it wouldn't always be that way. Soon, the war would end, peace would arrive, and the missions would stop. And when that day came, I would smile and hold my lovers close.   
  
What would we do in the peace we created? What place was there for three battered, scarred and weary ex-Gundam pilots? Where could the Perfect Soldier, God of Death, and Solitary Dragon find contentment?   
  
Honestly, I didn't know. But I did know that we would find that place together. Each of us had been alone for so long, our duty and our pasts isolating us from everyone, even our closest friends, the people we trusted most.   
  
But we weren't alone anymore. And we never would be again 


End file.
